Women are the most beautiful embodiment of empowered awakening. We breathe life into the world with the heave of our body, sing the sacred into song with our soul, and heal the deepest of wounds with our boundless heart. Our time has come. Love is calling us all to remember the eternal ecstasy of Being. Now is the time. Now is the place. Love is here pressing itself into the moment. Love calls us to remember the universal creative pulse. Love calls all of humanity to its embrace. Love calls for women to claim their deepest truth, to create their greatest gift, and to rise from the ashes of a yesterday gone, to rise to fulfill authentic self. We women are awakening. We women are empowering. We women are rising. I am a woman rising.

~ Ani Kaspar

via Wild Woman Sisterhood on Facebook

This past weekend was the La Leche League of Missouri conference. I absolutely love these conferences and always learn so much, usually things I can use instantly. At this conference, I gave two presentations. The first was about miscarriage and grief and was sparsely attended, but pretty powerful. The second was about Moontime and it was really crowded! The participants were a diverse crowd and I felt a little unsure of my ability to connect with all of them without being excessively “woo woo.” Though, I expressed that concern in a comment on another woman’s blog post and I got this wonderful remark in return: I was just listening to an online interview with Sonia Choquette where she said that “woo woo” should be “where it’s at,” meaning that when we’re “woo woo,” we’re actually connecting to our authentic self, being in touch with our intuition, etc.

I’m going to remember this in the future—woo woo is where it’s at!

Anyway, one of the things I shared during my talk is that mothers of small children are more likely to have PMS than anyone else—it is partly because our bodies call out to us to rest and be alone and we often can’t be when we have little babies that need us. It really, really does help with all pre-menstrual symptoms to be able to take some time to yourself to rest and rejuvenate rather than staying “on” all the time. Several women emailed me with follow-up questions and so here are the links and resources that I suggested for them:

Check out Miranda Gray’s website, particularly her free handouts. Deanna L’am is another favorite resource and she has resources for pre-moontime daughters as well.  Oh, and Tisha Lin’s Pleasurable Periods is another good resource as well as The Happy Womb from Lucy Pearce which has a free ebook about having a happy, healthy menstrual cycle. I’ve been digging into this subject a lot over the past year—any posts I’ve written are here. I’m also really liking the book I recently got called Honoring Menstruation by Lara Owen.

Bringing it back to the Wild Woman, I also shared a quote previously shared here:

“…Could it be that women who get wild with rage do so because they are deeply deprived of quiet and alone time, in which to recharge and renew themselves?

Isn’t PMS a wise mechanism designed to remind us of the deep need to withdraw from everyday demands to the serenity of our inner wilderness? Wouldn’t it follow, then, that in the absence of quiet, sacred spaces to withdraw to while we bleed — women express their deprivation with wild or raging behaviors?…” –DeAnna L’am via Occupy Menstruation

And, this book project recently caught my eye: Blood Sister, Moon Mama: a Celebration of Womanly Ways – submissions for a new book

Less related, but cool, I also just downloaded The Creative Joy Workbook (free!) from the incomparable Jennifer Louden.

For me, honoring moontime in my own life is very much about taking it to the body and listening to myself in the way in which I learned to do during pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and lactation. So, I loved this quote I spied on Facebook late last night:

Your body is your own.
This may seem obvious.
But to inhabit your physical self fully,
with no apology, is a true act of power.
This sovereignty over your body may need to be cultivated.
Most of us have been colonized; other people’s ideas, desires,
and expectations have taken hold in our flesh. It takes some time
and effort to reclaim our own terrain.

Own yourself. Say no when you need to.
Only then can you say yes…

- Camille Maurine, Meditation Secrets for Women (via TheGypsyPriestess)

“Fatherhood challenges us, but it also enlarges us and reshapes our perception of what is important in the world around us. As we take stock of this new world, we find that doing our job as a dad is inherently honorable and respectful, and brings to us the dignity that goes with the territory. Far from being emasculating, being a dad makes us men in the finest sense of the term.” –Dads Adventure (via Happy Father’s Day! | Talk Birth, 2011)

“I share…with the dads in my classes—your most important job is just to love her the way you love her, not to try to be anything different or more ‘special’ than you already are…” (via Fathers, Fear, and Birth | Talk Birth)

“A few weeks ago, I spoke to a mother from one of my most recent birth classes. She told me something that her husband said to her in labor that I found very profound. Staff at the hospital were becoming concerned that this mother’s labor was ‘not progressing’ and ‘not normal’ She, in turn, became worried that she wasn’t normal and that something was wrong. Her husband told her: “There is no normal. There is no right way. There is only your birth.” (via No Right Way + Fathers at Birth | Talk Birth.)

It is Father’s Day! I know I spend most of my time writing about women and mothers, but dads are amazing people as well. And, conveniently, I keep finding things I’d like to share about fathers and birth this week, including this article by a male doula:

As a birth professional, I have worked with many amazing dads who glowed at least as bright as their pregnant partners. At most of the births that I have attended, the tears coming from the eyes of men overwhelmed with joy and relief at the birth of their baby have been just as wet as those of the mothers. I am not trying to equate the experiences of becoming a father with becoming a mother. However, I do hope to shed light on how birth professionals’ communication with fathers can influence the pregnancy and childbirth experience not just for fathers but also for mothers and babies. Like many birth professionals, I have worked hard to support the whole “client family” and honor the role of each person involved…

via Science & Sensibility » Celebrate Fathers; Birth Professionals Play A Critical Role.

And, just for a laugh!

15 Exceptional Dads Who Deserve Parenting Awards.

I’m also remembering babyloss fathers at this time of year as well after scanning over these Healing Resources Specific to Fathers: Long Term Healing/Perspectives – Still Birth Day.

I’m not sure if anyone remembers, but in early 2011 as I watched my husband bond with his new baby girl, I explained the following:

We have discussed how each of our babies has been a catalyst for big changes in our home situation. Our first baby was the catalyst we needed to move away from our by-the-highway-no-yard townhouse in a city and onto our own land in the country near my parents. Our second baby was the catalyst we needed to finish building our real house and to move out of our temporary house and into our permanent home. So, we are now wondering what kind of catalyst our baby girl will be? We have spent our entire married life (13 years!) saying that we want to live a “home based life.” I truly do not think it is (biologically) normal, desirable, or healthy for anyone to spend 40+ hours a week out of their home, regardless of whether or not they have children or who the primary caregiver is. I don’t think fathers belong at work that much time, I don’t think mothers do either, and I don’t think children belong at school every day. The home-based life idea came to us long before we had kids and it came from all the reading and thinking I did about the simple living movement. So, I wonder—and hope—that maybe our new baby will be the catalyst we need to finally face the fear of possible failure (and/or no money!) that accompanies jettisoning his full-time job and building our other “multiple streams of income.” Maybe we will, maybe we’ll keep talking ourselves out of it, but that is what our baby girl makes us feel like doing!

via Fatherbaby | Talk Birth.

That time has finally come and he gave his notice at work on Friday! His last day is June 28th and we are feeling a little freaked out. This is huge. This is also a decision that has been a long time coming, having tossed it around for the first time in 2001, two full years before we even had any children at all. We’ve gotten to a point at which it feels like it is less helpful to our family to have him at work than it is to have him home and that the costs of him working in his present job are outweighing the benefits. He has several different project ideas to explore and also a whole heck of a lot of life to live. I promised we’d take some time to “un-job” or detox from the regular work world for at least three months before we start trying to explore the other ways we have in mind for him to make money. He’s been sitting at a desk every day since he was five years old. It is time for a change! I’m feeling a bit of pressure with the shift of household wage-earning responsibility to my shoulders, especially since I make about 60% of his salary (and I work on a contract basis) and this means our household income is now falling by two-thirds. However, I also remember that he’s been in the position of primary wage-earner for our entire now-15-years of marriage and quite frankly, maybe it is high time for me to take a turn, especially because my work only takes me out of the home for seven hours a week (fourteen on the “heavy” sessions when I teach three classes) and he is gone for fifty or more…hmm…do the math!

Mark and I have always been wonderfully compatible people, but we do sometimes have our differences over parenting. I feel like he is tougher on, and more critical of, the boys than the parenting ideal I hold in my head. I have been terrible for years about butting in and not letting them define the boundaries of their own relationship and I’m also terrible about “correcting” or interfering with what he is doing with the kids. As I looked through pictures from our recent trip to include in this post, I saw something really, really clearly: I saw an amazing dad taking good care of his kids. It was woven throughout our entire trip. Just because his communication with them doesn’t always look like what I read in all my books, doesn’t mean it isn’t working…

Speaking of my husband’s awesomeness, might I also mention that I’m here at the La Leche League of Missouri conference on Father’s Day and who is here with me, taking care of the kids, driving, etc., so that I can do something important to me. I really appreciate him!

Also, I can’t let Father’s Day go by without a picture of me with my own dad! These were taken in April when my grandma was sick.

I really appreciate him too!

Happy Father’s Day!

Via Art Therapy Without Borders

I’ve written before about being an introverted mama and how that introversion connects to my experiences of pregnancy, birth, and parenting. The challenge to my personality type was most intense with the birth of my first child and I sure wish I’d had access to an article like this one when I was in the early months of motherhood: A Guide to New Motherhood — as an Introvert – The HerStories Project

“…At the end of the day I can be emotionally and physically depleted. I’m simply done. I am often exhausted by the pace of my son’s constant chatter and need for constant verbal and physical engagement. I need to be alone — sometimes for hours — to recharge my emotional batteries. And then I’m back to normal self…”

Yep. And, that alone time is really, really hard to come by as a new mother and also as kids grow!

I also enjoyed an article about praise. Praise has taken its share of knocks from the alternative parenting community and I enjoyed how this article differentiates between casual praise and genuine praise and does advocate for plenty of genuine praise:

“…People in the big wide world can often be pretty short on praise. People in the natural parenting world can get their knickers in a tremendous knot about it. I know how it makes me feel. And sure I should be a big enough person, and it shouldn’t matter, I should just instinctively know how great I am. But truth is I don’t. And it does matter hugely. To me and most people I know. To be honest I don’t enjoy spending time round people who are totally convinced of their own awesomeness with no room for a compliment top-up…”

Good Job… In Praise of Praise!

If you don’t praise kids enough they may never forgive you…just kidding…but, I’m trying to segue into my next topic which is about forgiveness. After my grandma’s memorial services and our time spent with extended family over the last couple of weeks, a couple of articles caught my eye, the first with regard to choosing not to take offense:

And, as always, I have more books I want to read than there are hours in a year. (photo credit not known)

I have been doing much pondering on this subject since. There are so many examples in our community of individuals and groups being offended and shutting down the ability for divinity to be a guiding force in our communications. Individuals see their relationships as in service to self rather than as in service to others. Over time I have witnessed multiple examples of people expressing that it is a positive thing to let go of relationships that no longer “serve them”.

What my recent experience has reinforced in my life is that taking offence in conversations is an expression of personable ego. Those with whom I disagree are valued partners in my journey; that my relationships and friendships are about my service to my friends, associates and community, not their service to me…

via Pagan In Paradise: The Courage To Not Be Offended, Powerful Magic.

And the next, the radical notion that perhaps there is nothing to forgive:

3. Consider that there’s nothing to forgive.

Over the years I’ve thought about the shift that happens when we go from feeling angry and hurt to loving and peaceful.

Are we learning forgiveness or do we simply reach a point where we now see there was nothing to forgive in the first place?

Is forgiveness so tricky because the real “cotton dress running through the fields” feeling we’re after only comes once we realize there’s nothing to forgive??

To help me wrap my head around this I find it helpful to consider the larger picture. As in, outer space large:

I imagine a kinder, wiser and more compassionate version of myself sitting on the moon, perhaps kicking back on a deck chair drinking a margarita with Alice Kramden, looking down and watching, as the earthly me muddles my way through life…

Watching myself hold onto dodgy beliefs and making some epic mistakes.

Watching children around me born into challenging times and how this affects their sense of self-worth and how easily this passes on to others.

Watching us all learning to love ourselves unconditionally—trying, failing, and even succeeding, as we do.

And I figure this wise margarita-drinking self would conclude that everyone in their own unique way was doing their best.

And when you think about it, if everyone’s doing their best, what’s to forgive—doing your best?

Toss around the idea: “Forgiveness is understanding there’s nothing to forgive.” It’s big, but when it sinks in, it really helps.

via 3 Unconventional Tips for Forgiving and Letting Go.

Being a parent has given me compassion for most parents, past, present, and future, and how they are trying their best and that they are just people, no more, no less. We may have experienced our parents as something more powerful and dramatic, but really, they were just like us. Are we perfect? No. That means that it is okay that they weren’t either. Nothing to forgive. Ditto with friendships—if we ourselves are not a perfect friend, and I guarantee we’re not, it is impossible, unrealistic, and even cruel to expect that our friends will never do anything “wrong” and never, ever hurt our feelings. Nothing to forgive.

Thea Gallas Always Gets Her Man (Affiliate link included in title and image)

Thea Gallas Always Gets Her Man
Author: Kristen Panzer
Paperback, 308 pages (also available on Kindle)
ISBN-13: 978-0988566316

When neighbor Roy Groody disappears, lactation consultant wannabe Thea Gallas is hot on the trail. Roy’s wife Dolores says they argued and Roy left her, which satisfies the authorities. Case closed. But why is Dolores digging in her back yard? And why has a crew shown up to pour a concrete slab out back? Thea Gallas might not be fiction’s last word on lactation consulting but she’s the first. And hottest.Thea Gallas Always Gets Her Man is a sexy, dark cozy mystery that will keep you up all night turning pages! –

I really loved this novel about an aspiring IBCLC who solves both breastfeeding problems and an intriguing murder mystery. Thea Gallas is a pregnant mother of three young children and a concerned neighbor who won’t let the strange disappearance of man next door rest.

Even though everyone around her tries to dissuade her suspicions, Thea continues to investigate the suspected murder of her next door neighbor in between making house visits to solve breastfeeding problems as well as taking care of her three small children (she’s also planning a homebirth!). I got a kick out of seeing her use her midwife’s suggestion to “take it one breath at a time” to cope with the other challenges in her life and her mention of reading Spiritual Midwifery. Thea Gallas is clever, fast-paced, and funny too:

“Demonize her? Is that what I was doing? That had never occurred to me and I didn’t think so, but if that was the case, it would be super un-feminist and un-cool of me…”

Lest it sound too lightweight, the book has some very dark themes including abuse and infant loss. The issues the book explores are complex ones without simple interpretations and this is definitely more than just a comedic mystery romp. There is also a smoky subplot involving a youthful “bad boy” of a neighbor who is nearly successful in tempting Thea to stray from her husband!

The author is an IBCLC and the breastfeeding information in this novel is solid and informative. In between talking to the police and being threatened by creeps, Thea helps diagnose a cleft palate, gets babies to latch on by suggesting “laid back breastfeeding” and makes amusing cracks about attempting to read very dense issues of The Journal of Human Lactation. A delightful read!

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Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes.

Reaching for the Moon

Reaching for the Moon is the girl’s version of Lucy H. Pearce’s much-loved first book, Moon Time: a guide to celebrating your menstrual cycle. Written especially for girls aged 9-14 as they anticipate and experience their body’s gradual changes.

Beginning with an imaginary journey into the red tent, a traditional place of women’s wisdom, some of the gifts and secrets of womanhood are imparted in a gentle, lyrical way including:

* The secrets of the moon.
* The secrets of our cycles.
* The gift of self-care.

Along with practical advice on:

* Preparing for her first period.
* Choosing menstrual products.
* Herbal healing.
* Celebrating menarche.

Maiden threshold cord from past ritual.

Reaching for the Moon is a nurturing celebration of a girl’s transformation to womanhood.

The book is also available to buy as a signed paperback + bookmark + FREE greetings card of one of Lucy’s paintings (usually €2.50) from The Happy Womb. £6.99 + P&P.

This book comes at the perfect time for me because I’m getting ready to present a Moontime session at the upcoming LLL of Missouri conference!

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Disclosure: I have no financial relationship with the author or publisher and I received no compensation or other benefit in writing this post—I just shared the information because it is cool and free and good!

****Giveaway is now closed. Michelle was the winner****

This post is a companion giveaway to the book birthday celebration! You can enter to win your own e-book copy of Birth on the Labyrinth Path. The giveaway will end this Sunday at midnight, so make sure to enter soon I’m not fancy enough yet to figure out a Rafflecopter giveaway, so I’m doing this the old-fashioned way. To enter, just leave a comment sharing anything you’d like to share about labyrinths or birth or the two together! 

Also, make sure to check out my long post today at Pagan Families on the subject of life and labyrinths—perhaps better titled, “labyrinths I have known and loved,” or “labyrinths as birth art.” Here’s an excerpt:

It took me a little while, but I eventually discovered that a labyrinth is a perfect metaphor for birth and could be of potent use during birth education, as well as a tool for birth preparation and for processing one’s birth story, feelings about birth, and birth experiences. I was inspired by Pam England’s work with the LabOrinth and began to incorporate the concept into my own birth classes. Most couples seem to connect with it, regardless of their own religious background, though I think on the surface it feels a little too “New Agey” to some of them. Labyrinths are actually ancient (oldest found is 3500 years old!) and have been found in many cultures and places. According to England, they were used by midwives in England 500 years ago as tools for healing. And, centuries ago, mosaic labyrinths inlaid in the floors of churches were walked by pilgrims on their knees (those who could not actually make pilgrimages to the Holy Land in person, would crawl through the labyrinth in the church on their knees as their pilgrimage). I use the crawling example in class to explain that in the “labyrinth” of birth, you can go at your own pace and speed and you can even crawl if you need to! You can also find your own way blindfolded or walking or running or dancing.

via Book birthday party: of life and labyrinths.

On our last vacation day at Pismo Beach, my husband and I drew a labyrinth in the sand together with our toes and then we walked it with our family.

Lann ended up going on Space Mountain three times! I like this picture because the strangers behind us look so casual and like they should be on an ad for Disneyland.

Playing at the beach in Carlsbad.

Waiting for the gate to open at Legoland! We went on Memorial Day, which I was dreading, and it was shockingly deserted!

Couldn’t resist a pic with Lego Indy because he’s holding a birth goddess! The classic golden “idol” from Raiders is really an Aztec birth goddess figure—for some reason in the big Lego version, there is no baby emerging though.

Alaina loved the “tea party ride.”

Had to have one of these iconic pix, taken by friendly passerby!

Lego Darth Vader!

We were dragging by the time we got to Miniland and to Star Wars land, but these guys were so cool!

 The crew getting ready to catch some waves. My brother and sister-in-law, plus my uncle and cousins and Mark. (I love Zander in this picture!)
 

My uncle showed us how to take silhouette pictures at sunset at Pismo and I love how they turned out.

Okay, so that was more pictures than I originally thought!

I’ve heard my grandma’s blue hydrangea is blooming at home and I miss my woods and my own house! Homeward bound…

“But as surely as the women needed me, I needed them. Without my work, who would I be? A wealthy widow and nothing more…The thought of such an uneventful and powerless existence filled me dread, for my work as a midwife mattered in a way that mere housewifery never could. I ensured that men who fathered bastards had to pay for their children and that the women who bore them were whipped. If a maiden was raped, who but a midwife would stand with her against her assailant? Who better than a midwife could recognize the signs of bewitchment and find the witch’s mark? Without midwives, lust would reign, and order would turn to chaos…” (p. 230)

I was fortunate to do an interview with author Sam Thomas as well and here it is!

How did you become interested in writing about midwives from a historical perspective?

It was pure chance, or perhaps fate. I was working on my Ph.D. (about religious persecution and toleration in England), when I stumbled across the will of an incredible midwife. (I posted a transcript of the will on my website.) I then discovered that historians were in the midst of some great new research on midwives, and I was eager to join in the fun.

The more work I did, the more fascinated I became with the subject, and I wound up writing a couple of articles and planning a full-length book. In the end I left the ivory tower, but could not bring myself to leave midwives behind.

Do you follow present day midwifery politics? If so, any thoughts on how this connects to the historical issues raised in the book?

I do, to some extent. We lived in Huntsville, Alabama not far from Ina May Gaskin’s place in Tennessee. And I was surprised to learn that midwife-attended births are illegal in Alabama. As a result some women – including a good friend – “happen” to go to birth in Tennessee so they can be delivered there. (Hi, Celeste!)

Things are rather friendlier in Ohio where we now live, and I’ve had a number of midwives and other childbirth workers come to presentations. We’ve had some wonderful conversations!

Did you find it difficult to balance writing accurately about the misogyny of the time with portraying a strong, female character? (Still within the confines of her time and space)

Great question! In fact this is part of the reason I love writing about midwives and about women more broadly. To be sure, my characters inhabit a misogynistic world, but it is one in which women have at least some room to maneuver. (Men from southern Europe were horrified by how much freedom English women enjoyed. Everything is relative!)

Midwives, of course, wielded more power than most women and in certain circumstances, more power than some men. They were the only women who took a public oath, and the only ones whose work required a license. They also played an important role in the criminal justice system (to use an anachronistic term). Despite being women, midwives had a lot of the rights and responsibilities of men, at least in the context of their practice.

Part of what I’m doing in The Midwife’s Tale – and in future books – is charting Bridget’s gradual realization that despite her wealth and status, she is subject to the same oppression as other women. It really throws her for a loop.

Will we see Bridget return in any further mysteries?

Happily, yes! I have finished The Harlot’s Tale, which will be released in January, 2014, and just completed a second draft of The Witch-Hunter’s Tale, the third in the series. Minotaur-St. Martin’s has bought a fourth in the series, so the pressure’s on!

Oh, I’m also writing a few short stories about different characters’ backstories. One will be about how Bridget got into midwifery, and the other will be focused on Rebecca Hooke and how she became such a nasty piece of work.

If your readers want to keep up to date on future releases (and maybe win a copy!) they can sign up for my quarterly newsletter, The Midwife Mailer. No spam, I promise!

“Woman-to-woman help through the rites of passage that are important in every birth has significance not only for the individuals directly involved, but for the whole community. The task in which the women are engaged is political. It forms the warp and weft of society.” –Sheila Kitzinger (Rediscovering Birth)

“I love and respect birth. The body is a temple, it creates its own rites, its own prayers…all we must do is listen. With the labor and birth of my daughter I went so deep down, so far into the underworld that I had to crawl my way out. I did this only by surrendering. I did this by trusting the goddess in my bones. She moved through me and has left her power in me.” ~Lea B., Fairfax, CA via Mama Birth)

Summary of Article: How do today’s women prepare for major life changes such as becoming a mother? Have our once meaningful rites of passage been trivialised, and if so at what cost? Kat Skarbek looks at ways to reclaim what we have lost.

Permission is given to publish this story on the web (thanks to Women’s Mysteries Teacher Circle e-journal).

Without wishing to appear overly dramatic, I think that our society may be in danger of becoming devoid of any important spiritually nourishing rites of passage. Women no longer seem to know how to celebrate important transitions. We have fallen into the horrible habit of treating life-changing events in trite and meaningless ways and as a result, we are cheating ourselves out of the powerful positive effects that these rites of passage can bring us.

For women, menstruation, puberty, marriage, pregnancy & birth, menopause, death – even divorce and separation, all need to be properly acknowledged when passing through these stages of life. Instead we either ignore them completely as in the case of puberty, first menses and divorce, which sends the message that they are both shameful and unworthy of celebration. Or we use the opportunity to get drunk, act like strippers and carry out questionable tasks which would make a sober person question why she would want to get married in the first place – as on your average hen night. At a friend’s baby shower recently I watched with sinking heart as one of the most important events in a woman’s life was celebrated with games involving stealing pegs from other women’s clothing the minute they unconsciously crossed their legs, guessing the baby’s weight and answering questions such as did she have ‘an inney or an outey’ bellybutton? How, I found myself asking, does this in any way prepare a woman to deal with the rigours of labour and birthing and the demands of the first year of motherhood? Why are we so seemingly unaware that our accepted celebrations offer absolutely nothing to women except a bunch of baby clothes? At standard baby showers there is no wisdom shared, no loving support offered and no nourishment given (unless you count cupcakes!).

How did it come to this?

What happened to our once vital and spiritually awakening rites of passage? The easy (and heavily feminist) answer is 500 years or more of patriarchy. Prior to this and from the earliest records of society, it has been apparent that there were very well observed, meaningful and symbolic rituals to mark just about any occasion. Rituals existed for everything from simple agricultural celebrations of the changing seasons and giving thanks for food and supplies, to complex marriage and birthing rituals that eased newlyweds into their new roles and prepared the way for women to birth with dignity and power. Women in particular carried enormous wisdom about the cyclical nature of life and shared nourishing rites of passage, which enabled them to marry in confidence and with awareness, birth without fear and to die with dignity and grace. Once patriarchy became established it began the systematic erasure (or appropriation) of many of these important rites and in particular it diminished the roles and experiences of women so that they went from being important and respected members of their communities, with power over land, name and children to women whose only role was to birth heirs and to be subservient to their men. Even in today’s changing society the roles of ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ are still considered less important than the roles of ‘career woman’ and ‘breadwinner’. We have higher rates of divorce, higher rates of birth intervention and subsequent post-natal depression and more difficult menopauses now than women experienced 50 years ago. I believe that this is directly linked to the fact that we are now expected to just ‘get on with it’ and disappear into these changes without the proper observances being made. I’m not suggesting that women to disappear into mud huts every time they bleed or to give birth in fields as we did in the tribal days, but I do think that we need to pay more attention to our needs at these powerful times of change. Menstruation is not a curse, it’s a promise of our life-giving ability to come. Menopause is not a loss of youth and sex appeal, it’s a vital gateway to the enormous power of our wisdom years. And pregnancy, birth and marriage are life-changing experiences that need to be embraced and celebrated with something more nourishing than ‘Mr December’ and his overstuffed banana hammock.

A graceful acceptance of our changing roles and an awareness of the power that these changes bring, gives us huge personal freedom. Freedom from the current obsession with youth and aging, freedom to explore our new shapes, our new lives and the possibilities they hold. Isn’t that worth exploring?

Reclaiming simple rites of passage

So how can today’s modern goddesses, and in particular mammas-to-be, prepare themselves for life’s many transitions? A good starting point is to create your own rite of passage for whatever transition you may be going through. Pregnant women could change their planned baby shower to a Mother Shower (also known as a Blessingway). Mother Showers celebrate and nurture the mother rather than focusing exclusively on the child and are a growing trend amongst women. They offer pregnant women a chance to honour their pregnancy journey, to enjoy symbolic rituals of preparation for the labour and birthing ahead and indulge in an afternoon of loving, nourishing attention from their closest friends and family. And yes, there are still cupcakes! During one of these afternoons a pregnant woman can expect to be waited on hand and foot – often quite literally. Celebrations often include some kind of pampering for the mamma-to-be such as a foot and hand massage with beautiful, pregnancy-safe essential oils. She might choose to have her belly, hands or feet hennaed as a recognition of her changing status. She might enjoy creating a beautiful ‘labour necklace’ created out of beads gifted by each woman present and blessed with all of their best wishes for a wonderful birth. These necklaces can be used as a powerful focusing tool during the darkest hours of her labour and can become a beautiful heirloom that gets passed on from mother to daughter, or even from woman to woman within her community, with each subsequent pregnancy adding more beads to the necklace.

What you can do

There are a number of meaningful activities that you could include in your celebration. You could even combine elements of a traditional baby shower with elements from a mother shower by adding in any of the following:

• A Fear Releasing Ceremony. Writing down your fears on a piece of paper and ritually burning them can help you rid your unconscious mind of any impediments to an easy and positive birth.
• Belly Casting. Creating and painting a belly cast (a 3D plaster cast of the beautiful pregnant belly) can be a wonderful meditative tool to connect you more consciously with your body and your baby.
• Guided Meditation or Visualisations. If there is a group of you, each woman can place a loving hand on the mamma-to-be, while another guides her into a place of deep relaxation where she can communicate with her unborn child or any guides or angels she feels drawn to, in order to receive information or just reassurance.
• Plant a Tree. Buy a beautiful fruit tree to plant in honour of your newborn. You can tie birth blessings and wishes to its branches until after the baby is born.
• Give gifts to nurture the mind, body or soul of the mamma-to-be. Most women won’t get the opportunity to enjoy a spot of luxury once the baby is born, so instead of yet more baby clothes why not spoil the mamma with something indulgent such as a pregnancy massage, a hair appointment, a manicure or pedicure or simply some beautiful skin cream to minimise stretchmarks? You can even buy her a gift for after the birth such as a post- natal spa voucher, to give her some ‘me’ time to look forward to when she needs it most.
• Share Birthing Stories (no horror stories please!). Poetry, singing or chanting can also be a very uplifting way of connecting with your wise inner goddess.
• Create a Phone-Tree. When labour is established, each woman is called and lights a candle for the birthing mamma to re-create the loving circle of support present on the day and send her thoughts of courage and strength.
• Provide Nourishing Food and Drink. Each woman present can contribute a meal to be frozen for after the birth.
• Pledge an Act of Support for after the Birth. Each woman offers one tangible act of support for after the birth when the mother and child are getting to know one another. It can be something simple like providing a home cooked meal, offering to take care of an older child for an afternoon so that the mamma can get some rest, taking the dog for a walk or taking the newborn off her hands so the she can have a recuperative bath.
• The Baby Moon (or a month of ‘lying in’ with the newborn) is still observed in many cultures and offers a chance for the infant and mother to really bond and get to know one another without the usual worries about cooking, cleaning and taking care of other children. I think it would be very beneficial to women to reclaim this particular tradition.

Finding our way back home.

On the day that a baby is born, so too is a mother. Without properly acknowledging our changing lives in these beautiful and memorable ways, we go into motherhood unprepared for the challenges it may bring. No amount of reading can bring you the kind of self-knowledge needed to be a good mother. No amount of beautiful nursery furniture can enable you to trust in your mothering instincts when you are frightened of making a mistake with your precious little bundle. These things all take time. Reclaiming our rites of passage, no matter in how small a way, can help restore to women something vital for their spiritual and emotional wellbeing. And if you are worried that it might be boring or heavy, you needn’t. Celebrations are just that, a joyous coming together of loved ones to honour something wonderful. Keep that in mind and enjoy the many wonderful ways of celebrating this amazing and challenging time in a woman’s life. Choose the things that work for you, that you will enjoy and that will really give you the space to recognise the momentous changes that are happening and offer you some genuine support and acknowledgement of this special time.

More information about alternative pregnancy celebrations can be found in books such as Mother Rising by Yana Cortlund, Barb Lucke and Donna Miller Watelet (OK) and Blessingways, A Guide to Mother-Centred Baby Showers by Shari Maser (OK).
If published on the web please include the following contact details: Website: www.thedivinefeminine.com.au Email: info@thedivinefeminine.com.au Phone: 0439 636 958

Kat Skarbek
www.thedivinefeminine.com.au
About Kat Skarbek…
Kat Skarbek is a writer, presenter of the Shamballa Spirit Show on 3MDR 97.1FM and the Head Honcho of The Divine Feminine (www.thedivinefeminine.com.au) which specialises in creating unique and spiritually nourishing transitional celebrations and events for women. These include alternative Hen Nights and Mother Showers for pregnant women. She is a proud survivor of the first two years of motherhood and a visit from the PND Fairy.
Phone: 0439 636 958
Email: info@thedivinefeminine.com.au

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Previous posts about rites of passage and women’s mysteries:

Rites of Passage Resources for Daughters & Sons

Birth as a Rite of Passage & ‘Digging Deeper’

Blessingways and the role of ritual

Blessingways / Women’s Programs

Red Tent Resources

I asked this question on my Facebook page last week and got several responses:

• With our stories.
• Every woman is different. You listen to her. Then you respond
• Speak it forward. Speak everything forward.
• I speak birth from an awareness stand point, in a non biased stance and of course judgment free and I do A LOT of listening first.

This question also made me think of some of my own past writing about the language of birth and why it is that how we speak birth matters:

Birth Talk

Health Care or Medical Care?

Maternal-Fetal Conflict?

Pain with a Purpose?

Perceptions of Pain

Words for Pain

Consumer Blame

Cut here?? What not to say to pregnant or laboring women…

I also re-read one of my own articles as I worked on a lesson for one of my classes:

“…I also think, though I could be wrong, that it is possible to plan and facilitate women’s rituals that speak to the “womanspirit” in all of us and do not require a specifically shared spiritual framework or belief system in order to gain something special from the connection with other women…”

After sharing the link on Facebook, I got a lovely comment from a midwife sharing that she shares my handouts with her clients in Trinidad and Tobega and I was humbled at how my “talking birth” in this form reaches out across the ocean and around the world. This is why I keep writing, even when I get discouraged and feel like it is an “indulgence” of some kind to write and blog.

While not about birth, but still related to the  overall theme—perhaps how we speak sisterhood—one of my Facebook friends validated my stressed and overwhelmed experiences/feelings of the past month with an “of course” response and I really appreciated it!

“Through the act of controlling birth, we disassociate ourselves with its raw power. Disassociation makes it easier to identify with our ‘civilized’ nature, deny our ‘savage’ roots and connection with indigenous cultures. Birth simultaneously encompasses the three events that civilized societies fear–birth, death, and sexuality.” –Holly Richards

via The Of COURSE response… | Talk Birth.