Today, I was catching up with some old issues of New Beginnings magazine (LLLI’s publication) and one of the snapshots of a mama and her toddler nursling brought unexpected tears to my eyes. I am so, so excited to get to have a breastfeeding relationship again! Seeing that picture brought this intense body memory of looking down at my nursing babies and seeing that total and complete contentment on their faces—the way their whole bodies relax and become peaceful at the breast after experiencing the stresses of life as a toddler. It is gorgeous, beautiful, precious and irreplaceable. And, it slips away and before you know it another “normal” has taken its place—breastfeeding was such an integral part of my life for so long, it is startling to realize that it has been an entire year now since I’ve nursed anyone. And, also startling is that I only think about it rarely—the boys I have now have thoroughly replaced those nursling boys. Those tears sprang up from the past joy I have experienced and the anticipatory joy of having one more chance to do this again! I realized after this experience and after writing my last post that in the last couple of days I’ve become bogged down by the “bondage” a new baby brings rather than the bonding that it also brings. (It is realistic to prepare for both! ;)) I feel so lucky, happy, and thrilled to have a new baby again.
During this pregnancy I have not participated regularly in any kind of “due date club” message boards or anything like that, but I do occasionally peek it at one of them and was surprised to see the January mamas there all talking about how done they are with being pregnant and how ready they are to have their babies. Me, I feel like I’m just hitting my stride with being pregnant and cannot imagine being ready to be done yet—this is the great part: the looking nice and pregnant, the enthusiastic baby wiggles, feeling her hiccup, the anticipation of celebratory activities like getting pregnancy pictures taken, making a belly cast, and having a blessingway, the planning for her birth. Despite the fear and anxiety of this pregnancy, I love being pregnant. I adore it. I have never felt more magic or more special than I do as a pregnant woman. I know one should never say never, but I do not anticipate ever being pregnant again and I cannot imagine wishing this “magic mama” feeling away one second before she is ready to be born! It is the best 🙂
Here are some comparison belly pictures: