Mindful Mama: Presence and Perfectionism in Parenting

Being a mindful mama can be painful.

I am acutely aware of how often I fail, mess up, and let myself down in this work of conscious mothering. When I decide to go through a drive-through after a long day in town, I am very aware of each preservative laden, saturated fat heavy, factory-farmed, non-fair trade bite that crosses our lips. When I’m tired and have low energy for responsive parenting and I say “yes” my boys can watch a DVD, I know I am using it as a “babysitter” and as a “plug-in drug.” I cringe to hear myself say at times, “you guys are driving me crazy!” It is painful to know better and to watch myself do it anyway.

Listening to my Inner Critic

Instead of an inner guide, I too often listen to my inner critic. My judge. The perfect mama that sits on my shoulder and lets me know how often I screw it all up. I laugh sometimes as I reference the invisible panel of “good parents” that sits in my head judging me and finding me lacking.

For me, being a mindful mama is bound up in complicated ways with being a perfect mama; a “good mother.” In this way, it is NOT true mindfulness—I respond to my children based on how I think I should respond, how a “good mindful mama” would respond, not necessarily based on what is actually happening. Too often, I respond as I believe Dr. Sears, Jon Kabat-Zinn, or Marie Winn (The Plug in Drug) thinks I should respond, not based on reality or how we feel in the moment. This is the antithesis of true mindfulness. Mindfulness means an awareness of what is, it does not mean a constant monitoring of how I have failed. If I cannot be flexible and compassionate with myself, how do I expect to be a flexible and compassionate mother?

I am harsh and relentless in my own assessment of myself. Listening to the inner clamor of how to “be good” and “do it right,” prevents me from tuning in to what my children are really doing and really need in the moment. It is difficult to hear my own authentic voice, the still, small voice within, amidst the shouting in my head produced by all my reading and ideas.

This realization also forces me to acknowledge how often my mothering is about ME and not about my children. Too often my mothering springs from a preoccupation with being a “good mother”—i.e. making this all about me, me, ME—rather than about my children in the moment.

Meet Perfect Mama

I’m sure many of you know Perfect Mama—she gives birth with joy and ease, preferably at home and possibly unassisted. She breastfeeds responsively and for as long as her child needs—even through subsequent pregnancies and babies. She uses cloth diapers, or even better, no diapers at all because she practices elimination communication. She eats only organic foods and is perhaps vegetarian or vegan. She is always happy and creative and ready to play. She homeschools. She stays home, or, she effortlessly balances fulfilling work with a baby on her hip. She babywears and co-sleeps and grows her own food. She is “green” in her life and buying habits. She does not circumcise and she never forgets to boycott Nestle. Her family does not watch TV. She uses gentle, patient, loving discipline—no snapping or snarling. She never yells or gets angry and she never, never feels resentful or irritable.

I see in myself, in my friends, and in online communities, a ready tendency to judge or evaluate other mothers based on this inner checklist of good, “natural mothering” behaviors/practices, rather than seeing her as who and how she really is. There is also the tendency to hide the “ugly” parts ourselves or the parts that don’t conform to the checklist.

I actually meet many of the criteria on this checklist and in many ways (at least on paper!) I am “Perfect Mama.” Except, I do not always do it all with a smile on my face. That is my major failure. I am painfully aware—mindful—that, though I always love my children, I do not love every single moment I spend with them. It hurts to recognize and confess that I do not always cherish and adore being a mother. When I look past all the “right answers” on the checklist, guess what is left? Just me. For better or for worse.

I’m afraid that many of us trade the rigidity and prescribed values and ideals of the dominant culture, for a new set of natural family living values that we cling to with just as much rigidity and dogma.

If I look at being a mindful mama as an entity, a goal, an ideal to achieve, an assignment on which to get an A, then I’ve missed much of the point. Being a mindful mama isn’t about a rigid constellation of proper behaviors and ideas. It isn’t about struggling to conform to a mold. It is about being there, showing up, being present for life as it unfolds, and offering myself to my children fully, imperfectly, and whole. Cultivating self-acceptance alongside the “witness.” And, picking up the pieces when I fall, and trying again.

Finding My Authentic Mothering Wisdom

I continue to discover how I might clear our mental space to find my own authentic mothering wisdom. I am learning that being a mindful mama isn’t truly about a specific collection of beliefs and behaviors—the checklist—but is about responsiveness and presence.

I open my heart and vow to be here now. To tune in—to really look and breathe and smell and hear. Perhaps if I throw out the checklist, it is enough to look daily upon my life and my children with gratitude and love. To pause in the moment and drink it in. To really see my little ones before me. To stretch my arms wide to embrace them and to embrace the flow of life. To hold myself in the inner light of love and compassion. To try to do better—but in moving forward, rather than looking back with harshness and self-criticism. Perhaps I can love and accept right here, right now, even if that nowness sometimes involves a Happy Meal, or a raised voice, or red food coloring, or an Elmo movie.

Perhaps parenting authentically, from the heart, can’t be learned in a book or through application of a theory, but only through being there and being aware—of both the beauty and the messiness. Perhaps it means a loosening of attachment to attachment parenting as a prescribed set of practices and beliefs. Perhaps it means being a more loving friend to my own imperfect self.

Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE is a certified birth educator, writer, and activist. She is a breastfeeding counselor, editor of the Friends of Missouri Midwives newsletter, and a professor of Human Services. She has two wonderful sons, Lann and Zander, and one delightful infant daughter, Alaina and lives in central Missouri. She blogs about birth at https://talkbirth.wordpress.com, midwifery at http://cfmidwifery.blogspot.com, and miscarriage at http://tinyfootprintsonmyheart.wordpress.com.

Mindful Mama: Presence & Perfectionism in Parenting by Molly Remer, was published in Natural Life, July/August, 2011,

Blessingway Poem: A Prayer for One Who Comes to Choose This Life

Nov26

A Prayer for One Who Comes to Choose This Life

By Danelia Wild

May she know the welcome

of open arms and hearts

May she know she is loved

by many and by one

May she know the circle of friendship that gives

and receives love in all its forms

May she know and be known

in the heart of another

May she know the heart

that is this earth

reach for the stars and

call it home

And in the end

may she find everything

in her heart

and her heart

in everything

Last week I attended a blessingway for a friend who moved away last year. We didn’t know each other very well when she lived here, but thanks to Facebook, we’ve kept in touch and have bonded this year due to some personal experiences and commonalities. The poem above from the book Sisters Singing felt perfect to me to share with her. She has waited with such hope and love to meet her new daughter.

I also made her one of my polymer clay birth goddess sculptures. I purposely overbaked it to make the pigment more deeply colored. This goddess is holding a heart-shaped gem for love.

Birth Quotes of the Month

Nov26

As always, while these quotes are obviously not my own words, I do appreciate a link back to my site if you re-post them because I have a significant amount of legwork invested in finding and typing the quotes. Most are not recycled from other pages (I give credit if they are), but are typed up when they catch my eye in the books/magazines/journals I’m reading.

“The first few months after a baby comes can be a lot like floating in a jar of honey—very sweet and golden, but very sticky too.” –American College of Nurse-Midwives

“Your children love you. Be the trampoline for their rocketing and the cupped palms for their returning.” –Shae Savoy (in We’Moon 2011 datebook)

“There is nobody, out the other side of that sort of strong birth, who is not better prepared to meet the absolutely remarkable challenges of parenthood. When the power and trust is transferred to the mother, when she delivers her child, rather than ‘is delivered’ when she chooses, rather than ‘is allowed’, no matter what sort of technical birth she has, she is stronger, fiercer, and better. After a trip like that, you would kill for that child, and you know you can.” —The Yarn Harlot

Why do birth work? “I do it, because nothing else… nothing else, compares to watching a woman move mountains with her own self, to watching her rise to a challenge and meet the moment with all she has, and that experience is only enhanced when she is supported by those who care for her, respect her, and want her to be empowered by the journey.” –The Yarn Harlot

“We must act to keep the knowledge and the powers of women alive.” – Lynn Andrews

“Birth Freedom is inevitable. The natural progression is for people to move from tyranny to liberty. The agents of the status quo, however, rarely yield power without a fight.” –Senator John Loudon (ret.) in Midwifery Today e-news

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” – Audre Lorde

“We have barely tapped the power that is ours. We are more than we know.” –Charlene Spretnak

“Woman is a glorious possibility; the future of the world is hers.” – Matilda Gage

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~Albert Schweitzer

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” –Washington Irving

“Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.” (Roots of She by Amanda Oaks, via @ROAR! Empowering Women to Give Voice to Their Truth)

“We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls.” -Robert R. McGammon

“It’s hard to describe if you’ve never been there, but to watch a woman access her full power as a woman to give birth is awe-inspiring, and I never get tired of being witness to it. It’s an honor to watch that transformation take place.” ~ Julie Bates, CNM

“The emerging woman..will be strong-minded, strong-hearted, strong-souled, and strong-bodied…strength and beauty must go together.” ~Louisa May Alcott

“We must relearn to trust the feminine, to trust women and their bodies as authoritative regarding the children they carry and the way they must birth them.” –Elizabeth Davis, CPM

“The women in labor must have NO STRESS placed upon her. She must be free to move about, walk, rock, go to the bathroom by herself, lie on her side or back, squat or kneel, or anything she finds comfortable, without fear of being scolded or embarrassed. Nor is there any need for her to be either ‘quiet’ or ‘good.’ What is a ‘good’ patient? One who does whatever she is told—who masks all the stresses she is feeling? Why can she not cry, or laugh, or complain?” –Grantly Dick Read, Childbirth without Fear

“The purpose of life is not to maintain personal comfort; it’s to grow the soul.” –Christina Baldwin

“Everyone who interacts with a pregnant woman is, in some way, her ‘teacher.’ Telling birth stories, sharing resources, imparting obstetrical information, giving advice or warnings—these are all direct or indirect ways of teaching about birth and parenting. Whether you currently identify yourself as a ‘childbirth teacher,’ or you are a midwife, doctor, doula, yoga teacher, nurse, therapist, breastfeeding counselor, or you are simply a woman or man who cares about the power of the childbearing year, you already hold the power of mentoring within you.” –Pam England

“The purpose of our lives is to give birth to the best which is within us.” –Marianne Williamson

“There is no single formula for motherhood and writing that suits us all. Instead, there are many paths on this literary journey, all leading to the same destination, each equally valuable.” – Elif Shafak

“Remember our heritage is our power; we can know ourselves and our capacities by seeing that other women have been strong.” – Judy Chicago

“Scientific medicine has never been shy to dismiss if not denigrate any perceived threat to its values or power.” –from the book Breakthrough: How the 10 Greatest Discoveries in Medicine Saved Millions and Saved the World

“Midwives often forget that our beliefs in [mom’s] abilities can alter her accomplishments. It is important to check our hearts and push through any lack of belief that may inhibit her strengths. This may sound silly or ethereal, but I guarantee it can make a difference for a laboring mom and family.” ~ Carol Gautschi (Midwifery Today)

“Hormones have a kind of crazy rhythm that you can trust. Behind them is internal intelligence; try listening instead of controlling. When hormones are ‘raging,’ they exaggerate what’s already going on internally as a signal for us to pay attention and learn from it.” –Camille Maurine (Meditation Secrets for Women)

“Since the release of adrenaline is highly contagious, the main preoccupation of an authentic midwife, after the paradigm shift, will be to maintain her own level of adrenaline as low as possible when she is close to a labouring woman. Midwives of the future will also need to train themselves to remain silent, since language is the most powerful stimulant of the neocortex. The silent knitting session will be a necessary step towards an understanding of what authentic midwifery is. We present it as the symbol of a vital new phase in the history of childbirth and midwifery.” –Michel Odent (in Midwifery Today)

“Sons branch out, but one woman leads to another.” –Margaret Atwood (quoted in Sacred Circles)

“We can no longer sit back and debate whether maternity care is evidence-based. We have seen that over and over again, in most cases, it is not…” –Connie Livingston

“If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, together women ought to be able to turn it rightside up again.” –Sojourner Truth

“The intrinsic intelligence of women’s bodies can be sabotaged when they’re put into clinical settings, surrounded by strangers, and attached to machines that limit their freedom to move. They then risk falling victim to the powerful forces of fear, loneliness, doubt , and distrust, all of which increase pain. Their hopes for a normal birth disappear as quickly as the fluid in an IV bottle.” ~Peggy Vincent

“The problem is not that obstetricians are surgeons. They are. The problem is that society has invested surgeons with control over normal childbirth.” –Michael Klein, MD (in The Journal of Perinatal Education)

“Perhaps the greatest gift that women can give their daughters is to take precious care of their own lives—to develop their natural talents and to honor the opportunities that come their way. By so doing, they become vital models for their children as well as full women in their own right.” ~ Evelyn Bassoff

“When one woman puts her experiences into words, another woman who has kept silent, afraid of what others will think, can find validation. And when the second woman says aloud, ‘yes, that was my experience too,’ the first woman loses some of her fear.” –Carol Christ

“Befriend fear, embrace struggle, trust nature, the process, and a baby’s wisdom.” –WYSH (Wear Your Spirit for Humanity see also https://talkbirth.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/birth-altar-wisdom/)

“Thousands of women today have had their babies born under modern humanitarian conditions–they are the first to disclaim any knowledge of the beauties of childbirth…” –Grantly Dick Read, Childbirth without Fear

“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” –Audre Lorde

“Not only do I trust my body, I am in awe of all it can do. I don’t know if I will ever be able to accomplish anything as marvelous as birthing and nursing two babies. That is more amazing to me than running a marathon or climbing a mountain. I have created and nurtured life; nothing tops that. ” ~ Corbin Lewars (via Midwifery Today)

“Humanizing birth means understanding that the woman giving birth is a human being, not a machine and not just a container for making babies. Showing women—half of all people—that they are inferior and inadequate by taking away their power to give birth is a tragedy for all society.” –Marsden Wagner

“I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet, there would be no more wars.” – E. M. Forster

“The strength that is displayed in labor and birth is something that no one can EVER take from you in your life. Elixir of courage.” –Desirre Andrews

What Am I Thankful For?

Nov24

Many people have been participating in the Facebook tradition of posting something they’re thankful for as their status throughout November. A friend of mine collected all of hers into a Thanksgiving blog post, noting that they seem more powerful when all collected into one place. I thought that was a great idea and so I’m following suit! I’ve written recently about how blogging counts as valuable writing and I also think that the seeds of many a good blog post can be found in Facebook statuses and comments. While usually written in a different, very casual manner, I often save things I’ve posted to Facebook to use as “kernels” from which to germinate new blog posts.

So, during November, I have been thankful for:

Bedtime. On a day, “where my kids were manic, wild little beasts and I was a frazzle-haired crabatron.”

a class full of (mostly) interested and engaged students who seem to really be *clicking* with the material. I really got a great group at FLW this session. I’m having lots of fun with them!
safe travels and for Kindle
when I got rear-ended this afternoon, it was just a little bump and nothing more serious!
well water–I always feel confused when people say they “don’t like water” or that they have to force themselves to drink water. Water is my favorite drink! But, then I go somewhere with city water and suddenly I understand!
On the second anniversary of the miscarriage-birth of my tiny son Noah. I’ve been thankful today for Alaina who fills our lives with such joy and I’m thankful that I got to spend his birthday on the “other side” of the pregnancy after loss journey with her, and I’m thankful for Noah and the gifts he brought to our lives–I feel like he made it possible for us to have her and I’m so thankful for that. We remembered him tonight with a candle by his tree and moonlit labyrinth walk while we listened to a special song.
smooth, safe travels and home sweet home.
that I had a flat tire at the geology museum parking lot today rather than at FLW last night! And, I’m thankful for my wonderful husband who dropped everything to come to the rescue (not only did he put on the spare, he traded cars with me so I took the kids home in his car, while he kept mine in town and is going to take it to get a new tire).
the military service of Mark’s late dad, LaRoy, who was disabled in Vietnam. He made many personal sacrifices in his service, but one of the gifts of that service was that Mark’s college education was paid for–meaning our family continues to benefit today by having no student loans. I often feel thankful for LaRoy for that!
an active, engaged online class this session.
quiet time alone to write!(and for a normal nap from baby girl today–I’m also thankful that she remains a precious, good-spirited treasure even on days when she doesn’t nap very well)
my mom, who keeps trekking to the Fort with me each week so that Alaina doesn’t have to be separated. I really appreciate it! (and her only reward, aside from spending time with the greatness that is A and me, is a salad from Panera)
pictures from our family photo shoot today! Feeling thankful for Karen today (see photo below).
my husband, who takes care of so many things each morning that I often overlook or take for granted (maybe because I’m busy still snoozing and snuggling in bed with the baby when he’s getting ready for work!) He takes care of the animals, makes me tea, does the dishes, etc. (Today got all of the towering mounds of recycling packed up to take to the recycling center.)
the past TEN months of baby girlness in our house!
my Kindle. I love being able to carry 600 or so books around with me wherever I go! It is like magic.
that I get to say things in my home like, “Lann! Those birth goddesses aren’t baked! Did you hear me? The goddesses aren’t baked!!” ♥ my boys and my life!
that the busyness of the day involves finally getting to meet an out-of-town friend’s new baby, celebrating a beautiful mama at a blessingway, and teaching a class tonight that I enjoy!
a great class tonight–I have some really fun students!
courageous birthing women, for midwives of all varieties, for magnificent babies, for loving fathers, for dedicated doulas, for committed birth activists, for inspirational childbirth educators, and for the everyday, transformative miracle of birth.

And, heck, I should add that I’m thankful for Facebook, because of how it allows me to maintain connections with friends who have moved away as well as for daily check ins with local friends and with family near and far. Also, for the idea-sharing, thought-provoking discussions, points of connection and inspiration, and being able to reach out to the broad birth activism world and to pregnant mamas through my business pages. That thankfulness makes me remember that I am thankful for this blog as well, which gives me the opportunity and avenue to reach out to touch the lives of many women and people around the world, rather than simply in my own little corner.

Some are mundane and some are more profound and there is some repetition, but all make up the texture of daily life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A lot of my thankfulness reasons all in one place!

Top Ten Things I Love About Having a Baby

Nov23

The winter holiday season remains linked with pregnancy loss for me. This time last year, I was entering the final stretch of my pregnancy-after-loss journey and feeling so hopeful that I would have a happy ending to my loss story. This time two years ago, I was reeling from Noah’s birth and it was so very difficult to experience the holidays without being pregnant after all. I feel like this whole first year with Alaina has represented another “circuit” in the labyrinth of pregnancy loss, pregnancy-after-loss, and then new baby. I feel like I have to make another complete “round” of the year, passing through all of those significant dates and milestones that I experienced first as a post-loss mama and as a PAL mama, but getting to take another lap, this time holding my new baby. Each time I pass another date, I feel almost like waving—here we go…together!

So, in this time of thanksgiving, I want to share the

Top Ten Things I Love About Having a Baby

Should have had Karen take a picture of the back of A's neck for me--as it is, this is the best I could do!

Morning lounge-nursing
The bent back of her neck as she seriously examines something.
The way she rides on my hip and snuggles her head in on my shoulder.
Being a little person’s one and only–the most loved and most desired companion. (To be fair, this is one of the hard parts too. It can be exhausting to be needed most of the day and night.)
How curious she is and how quickly she notices something new–and how closely and seriously she studies and examines and explores it.
Babywearing.
Her fuzzy hair. Smelling her head.
How she meets my eyes across the room, or while nursing, or in any instance when she is surprised or startled, or even just noticing something—she checks it out with her home base. It is an honor to be so trusted.
Experiencing the thrill of discovery through her eyes.
Having a baby! Being one of the babymamas. Being a mamatoto. It just feels really right to have a baby on my hip and at my breast.

Trusting gaze

Big girl! (but checking in to see if all is well--she's looking at me in this picture).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ten Months Old!

Nov19

Today marks ten months of baby girlness in our home! I’m so glad she’s here! Quickie update in developments this month: she has seven teeth now! She cruises around furniture with impunity. She pinches your arms and then scream-squeals to demonstrate her empathy for your pain. She ate a gemstone, but it was recovered when we washed diapers. We successfully traveled to Chicago and back. She pinches and scratches while nursing and is a wild, twisting nurser. Naps have been bad lately, which can lead to commensurate maternal despair. She still sleeps on my arm all night long. She still smells like apricots. Has the bestest baby yogurt breath. She has the best eyes and eyelashes ever. While still even-tempered and brave when faced with new things, she has now thrown a big-time fit over dum-dum deprivation (also, has located and consumed entire blue dum-dum from the boys Halloween haul). Eats lots of things (some edible, some not) and likes broccoli the best. Is on a potty strike and stiffens back to make pottying impossible. Has been standing alone for brief moments. Has started going to visit like a big a girl with Baba and Tom (my parents) when the boys go over in the afternoon.

I still look at her with surprise and amazement multiple times a week—how did we get you? Are you really here? Oh my goodness, MY BABY! Feeling a weird sense of clock ticking as she approaches one year—is this really the last two months that I will ever spend with a baby of my own in my house? I’m trying to remember that…only two months of baby left…every single day so that I appreciate and marvel and cherish her every, single day. (Which, of course, all babies deserve, but which can be hard to remember—non-napping “schedule” also makes me “fail” in this arena some days as well.) I’m becoming more certain that she really is our last baby, though I still think maybe quite a lot. She needs a lot of me lately—lots of in arms, in baby carrier time. I’m sure in another *blink* she will be walking and won’t need me like that. I’m her favorite place right now still though. She says da da and mama and hi and bye. I’m only teaching one in-seat class this session and it is a lot easier on us all. I have signed on for three in January again though—it is three sections of the same class, so that is bound to be easier than the early fall session was, right?! I’m still plugging away on my own classes too—I’m taking six classes, but they are mercifully all self-paced (I’m over halfway done with several of them). I love them all—really amazing content. I love “stretching” my brain with them and thinking and pondering over and writing about complex ideas and issues.

We also had a family photo shoot this week:

The Beauty of a Nursing Mother

Nov13

“The beauty of a nursing mother can never be explained by a little oxytocin around the milk glands.”

—The Wisdom of the Body

(in a section discussing the biology and physiology of milk production and delivery)

I’ve mentioned before how very much I enjoy the Diane Wiessinger’s conference presentations. In 2007, I attended her amazing session called “Watch Your Language” that was about how we talk about breastfeeding. An example of a problem word when it comes to breastfeeding–using the word “special” to describe breastfeeding: a “special bond” a “special nursing corner” etc. and also using the word “perfect” (which communicates something that isn’t reasonable or that “real” people can’t do or live up to). She encouraged us not to “glorify breastfeeding” like this. Breastfeeding ISN’T special, it is NORMAL. A breastfed baby has a “normal bond” with its mother! Human milk isn’t the perfect food for babies, it is the NORMAL food for babies.

A long time ago I also marked the following quote to share from K.C. Compton in an article in Utne about baby boomers:

“We discovered firsthand the radical nature of simple acts: Sit in the front of the bus, ask that your husband be present during his son’s birth, decide to feed your infant with your own breasts, refuse the nuclear power plant being built just up the road. We also learned how much more effective those acts can be when compounded by the hundreds and thousands, their feet on the street…”

And, then this reminds me of a powerful editorial by Peggy O’Mara, urging women to see their mothering as a political act:

See your mothering as a political act. The way you talk to your child becomes his or her inner voice. The way you model acceptance of your own body becomes the way your daughter learns to accept hers. The way you model the distribution of chores in the household provides a blueprint for your children’s marriages. Bringing consciousness and awareness to the small acts of your life with your family can change the world. Your mothering is enough.

…As mothers, we think that our concerns are the concerns of the many. We have to make sure that they are. As mothers, we hope that our children are protected by society. We have to act when they are not. As mothers, we have authoritative knowledge about our own experience, an experience we have in common with millions of women. We can build a more just society on the ground of this common experience.

Motherhood as Meditation

Oct30

I sometimes use my blog as a way to “store” things that I’ve read and want to remember later–or, come back to and re-discover later. I’m slowly making my way through a book called Meditation Secrets for Women and this morning I read the following:

…a mother is naturally drawn into simplicity meditations when she has small children. A hundred times a day you are forced to surrender, to slow down and pay attention…A mother must continually let go, not only of rigid scheduling but in the deepest movement of her heart. The maternal bond is a powerful primordial instinct…Each day is a little death and a challenge to live in trust. When a mother learns to accept this process and allows herself to be changed by it, her heart is softened and stretched. This demonstrates again how women’s awareness of the preciousness of life leads us into a natural spirituality that does not have to be manufactured or enforced.

I was just thinking on Friday about just how many things I let go of every day. It is still painful to do–I’m not softened and stretched enough yet, I guess–but I also feel impressed with my own ability to accommodate and enfold. Knowing how many letting gos are required daily also doesn’t stop me from starting out the next day with just as many plans as the day before though.

I’m experimenting with making this post using my phone…did it work?!

My baby zen master 🙂

Integrated Mama

Oct22

Alaina turned nine months old this week and I again found myself wishing to make a new polymer clay goddess sculpture to capture this new phase in our life cycle. I’m interested by how I began this series during my pregnancy with her and how I continue to feel “moved” to add to it as she grows and changes. While she is on the move a lot, she also spends a great deal of time riding on my hip in a pouch carrier. So, it felt àpropos to make another slingin’ mama figure, this time with the baby on her hip. While, as always, it isn’t perfect, I do like how my new sculpture turned out:

Slingin' mama goddess!

Healthy Baby Fair Booth--just popped out of baby carrier for photo op

I’ve written several times before about my desire to live an integrated life and I honestly think that babywearing makes it (semi) possible. She most wants to be with me, but often she doesn’t want direct play, she wants to ride along and see what interesting things I’m going to do. I think this is part of baby’s biology and part of how the motherbaby relationship is socially and biologically meant to be at this point—mother goes about her business (grinding corn, perhaps), with baby very close and watching. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include typing things on the computer, which is what much of my work actually entails. So, I save household work to do while she’s awake and riding along and I do computer-based work while she sleeps. That way, we (usually) both get our biologically appropriate needs met within our cultural context. Recently, I had a LLL table at the local Healthy Baby fair and several people came up to my friend and me to comment on how we were wearing our babies and how they were just riding along so content to look at what was going on. I tried to explain to one booth visitor who was expressing concern about the changes babies bring to life how I believe that babies can go along with mothers as they go about their tasks/days—it is possible to integrate the baby into the rest of your responsibilities.

Looking at the wavy lake from safe harbor of mama's body (in Ergo)

I was thinking about this again over the last couple of days that I spent with my family on a mini-vacation to Silver Dollar City (theme park in Branson, Missouri). As long as Alaina was riding with me in the pouch or Ergo she was totally happy. We spent hours outside on Wednesday in pretty bitter cold and she rode and looked and nursed and snoozed. On Thursday we took a lunch “cruise” on a Showboat (didn’t actually cruise due to wind) and again, she rode and checked out the world. Then, on Friday, we were back in the park where she got to go on her first rides ever like a big girl—the carousel (out of pouch) and on the Flooded Mine ride (where the whole family rode in a boat—she rode in the Ergo in the boat with me).

Big girl going for a ride!

Several years ago at an LLL conference, a sleep “expert” spoke during the lunch session. She was of the opinion (which is not shared by LLL as a whole), that nursing a baby to sleep is a “habit” that you don’t want to get into and advocates detaching them when they get sleepy so that they learn how to fall asleep without relying on nursing to get them there. She gave examples of babies and sleep associations and then said, “but if a baby is used to being nursed to sleep, they could fall asleep in the middle of Times Square while the ball was dropping on New Year’s Eve as long as mama was there too and nursing them.” And, I thought, EXACTLY! The problem with that is….?! That is one of the very best things about breastfeeding to me—home is where the mama is. So, this week as Alaina snoozed peacefully when she was sleepy while roller coasters sped around and bluegrass played and fiddlers fiddled and cold winds blew and people swarmed all over, I was thankful that I’ve never tried to get my baby to develop a different sleep association! Breastfeeding is magic like this to me, not an inconvenience or a habit to be restructured.

She is nursing in this picture

Of course, integration of parenting with work can also be a pretty significant challenge, as I touch on in my recent interview in the working/parenting series at Molly Westerman’s blog First the Egg. (I typed my responses to her interview questions on my phone while lying on my side in bed nursing Alaina to sleep.)

My whole series of sculptures

Have you met Pachamama?

Oct7

I have a friend who was taking a mythology class in college this session. She sent me an email titled, “have you met Pachamama?” and included this great little picture:

I just love her! Love her serene little face and the yin-yang type of background.

“Pachamama is a goddess revered by the indigenous people of the Andes. Pachamama is usually translated as Mother Earth, but a more literal translation would be “Mother world” (in Aymara and Quechua mama = mother / pacha = world or land; and later widened in a modern meaning as the cosmos or the universe).[1] Pachamama and Inti are the most benevolent deities; they are worshiped in parts of the Andean mountain ranges, also known as Tawantinsuyu (the former Inca Empire) (stretching from present day Ecuador to Chile and northern Argentina being present day Peru the center of the empire with its capital city in Cuzco).”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pachamama