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The Pregnant “Glow”

May16

Earlier this year I read the book A Dozen Invisible Pieces by a childbirth educator and mother of three. In it, she explains “the glow” that pregnant women have and I really liked her description:

[during all her pregnancies] I felt a special sense of energy exuding from within me…That energy, I believe, is what makes pregnant women so magnetic to those around them. It is what encourages the unsolicited comment and pearls of wisdom that acquaintances and strangers pawn off on pregnant women. It is what elicits a sense of awe from others who have yet to experiences pregnancy either themselves or with a life partner.

This alluring force is what prompts someone to place their uninvited hand on a pregnant woman’s rapidly expanding belly. Why do some people feel comfortable, and perfectly within their right, to reach out and touch, pat, or rub a pregnant woman’s abdomen? I believe it is because on a basic, evolutionary level, they yearn to absorb, or at least connect with, some of that mystical pregnant energy.

I think this explains it! I felt really “magic” when I was pregnant. It is one of the things that is so special about being pregnant–that feeling of being magic. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with my second, I told some of my friends at playgroup (who were saying, “this is probably the last time we’ll see you pregnant!”) that I wasn’t quite ready to be done feeling magic yet! I think the “glow” comes from that inner sense of magic.

Personality and Birth

May6

From Sheila Kitzinger’s book The Experience of Childbirth:

In a normal, straightforward labour a woman’s attitude of mind, her approach to the task that awaits her, and her preconceptions concerning the nature of the work that her body has to do, are more important than any sort of physical preparation she can make in advance. Whatever athletic exercises she may essay, however controlled her breathing, however complete her muscular relaxation, in the last resort the thing that matters most is essentially the kind of woman she is, and the sort of personality she has [emphasis mine]. That is why preparation for labour cannot rest in purely physical training and in mechanical techniques of control and release alone. Controlled muscular activity can assist her in making of her labour something she creates, rather than something she passively suffers, but her capacity for achieving this physical coordination is dependent upon her mind–upon her fearlessness and sense of security, her intelligence, her joy in the baby’s coming, her courage, her self-confidence, and the understanding she has of herself. The experience she has of childbirth is a function of her whole personality and ideally the preparation should involve increased self-knowledge and a growing towards maturity.

While there is a certain element of “blame the victim” in this quote that I find distasteful (i.e. “she had XYZ intervention, must be her bad personality…”), I recognize something here that speaks to me. I have observed in some of my clients a certain “quality” of personality (or perhaps determination) that makes me feel secure that they will be fine with or without me–they have something that comes from within that will guide them through birth. There are others who are more ambivilant, who say they want to “try” natural birth.  Sometimes they blossom into confidence as the classes proceed, sometimes nothing really changes. I do not really take responsibility for any birth outcome, because birth classes are just a piece of a much more multifaceted puzzle of a woman’s experience. However, I feel like you can see that some women just “have it in them” and in others, that “it” has to be nurtured and grown. I’m not sure exactly what this “it” is, which is why Kitzinger’s quote caught my attention.

Thoughts about Pushing

Apr29

Also from Fathers at Birth, some quotes about pushing:

Powerful, authoritative, and wise energies assist in releasing the baby from the womb. Go with them.

Many women experience the work of pushing and the sensations of the internal movement of the baby as it moves and rotates through the birth canal as intensely gratifying. But some women feel the sensation as painful. They may get exhausted or discouraged and need lots of encouragement. Many women need to move around and change positions. Some women roar and discover a power within they have never encountered before.

With my first baby, I found the pushing stage to be very intense and overwhelming. I had been fairly calm and focused during my labor, but pushing felt scary to me and I said, “I’m scared” quite a few times. I also said, “pushing is supposed to feel GOOD,” because that is what so many people had told me (that pushing felt good/satisfying/rewarding). It didn’t feel good to me! With my second baby, pushing was more like an uncontrollable wave that moved through me and was natural and spontaneous. It didn’t feel “good” really to me, but it was not scary.

Labor is like stairsteps…

Apr29

I have a pile of things to blog about about and one of them was this quote from the book Fathers at Birth:

“Labor is like stairsteps. There is an incline, then a plateau. Another challenging incline, and another plateau. The inclines get steeper and more intense as labor progresses. The plateaus get shorter. However, in deep labor, the incline can go straight up, off the charts, without a plateau. Sometimes women are very close to pushing when this happens and do not know it.”

As a father-to-be, if you notice inclines with no, or very short plateaus, you will know that your baby is very close to being born. Reassure your partner about the wonderful job she doing, how great everything is working, and that she is getting closer and closer to meeting the baby!

Birth Affirmations for Fathers

Apr28

In my classes, I suggest the use of affirmations. Affirmations are short, positive statements that inspire confidence and positive feelings. I have a handout that is printed on the front side with affirmations for mothers to read to themselves and the reverse has the same affirmations worded in such a way that they can be easily read to the woman.

The book Mind over Labor by Carl Jones, there are some affirmations listed specifically for fathers:

  • I am able to make the best possible choices for a healthy, joyful birth.
  • I see my partner as a strong and capable woman.
  • I am able to support my partner during pregnancy and birth.
  • We are working harmoniously together. We are grateful for this powerful experience.
  • The power of birth strengthens me, my child, and my partner.

For women he shares the following ideas for affirmations, some of which are really nice and I should add to my handout above!

  • Childbirth is a normal, healthy event.
  • My body is my friend.
  • I trust my body to labor smoothly and effectively.
  • I am able to birth in harmony with nature, in the best possible way for myself and my baby.
  • My baby and I are working harmoniously together. We are grateful for this powerful experience.
  • The strength of my contractions is an expression of my feminine power.
  • I fully feel the force of new life within me.
  • I allow myself to celebrate the birth of my child with every sensation I feel.
  • I am giving our baby the very best start in life.

Births & Marathons

Apr22

A parallel is often drawn between giving birth and running a marathon. There was a great article called “The Gift of Leaping” in the most recent issue of the International Journal of Childbirth Education (available to download as a pdf here) that was based on this theme.

In it, the author discusses how in both experiences your mind’s strength can be called upon to surpass your physical strength and she notes, “The pain of accomplishment is so much easier than pain endured.” I loved that!

She goes on to share: “I want that feeling of going beyond what you think is possible for laboring women. If you let go of control and allow the process to unfold, you are so proud of yourself. Then pride morphs into self-confidence and trust. What a perfect combination for parenting. When it comes down to it, you have to do this by yourself, be it labor or running. You might hear other laboring women around you or have the support of crowds in a race, but it’s still up to you. there’s a start and a finish and only you can see it through. Fortitude brings a new self-awareness and strength that feels overwhelming…I know one of my greatest challenges in the vocation of perinatal education is getting women to trust the process and her own capabilities before labor. My practice runs helped prepare me for the marathon, but there is no practice run for labor. Women must rely on their confidence and the legacy of the many women who have birthed before them…”

I share her feelings about her greatest challenge. The whole point of my birth classes is for the participants to develop confidence and trust in their ability to give birth naturally. It is difficult to share what birth is really like–it is a singular experience (each birth is different too, so even if you’ve done it before, there are still surprises ahead!) I also feel like it is irreplaceable to start off the parenting journey with a overwhelming sense of power, pride, and capability–a sense that often comes with the “I did it!” of giving birth!

Perceptions of Pain

Apr18

Some time ago I wrote several posts about pain in labor, one of which addressed needing more words for pain. In the book Birthwork, there is an interesting list of possible perceptions of pain in labor:

—‘Satisfying pain‘—enjoyable labour

–‘Positive pain’–it is birthing the baby

—‘Constructive pain’–it is doing a good job

—‘Functional pain’–acceptance of the process

—‘Okay pain’–it hurts but everything is on track

—‘Intense pain’–it is a lot!

–‘Abnormal pain’–something is not right

—‘Overwhelming pain’–unable to manage alone (exacerbated by isolation, fear, exhaustion, and tension).

—‘Off the wall pain’–utterly unbearable (usually associated with intense nerve or spinal pressure).

Even though these aren’t new words for pain, I think they add to our vocabulary for describing what is going on with our birthings. Additionally, keep in mind that you can transform the language and perception of the sensations of labor even further, by not using the word pain or contractions at all–you can refer to “sensations” or “tightenings” or “pressure” or “waves” or “surges” or “intensity” and so forth.

Just Relax?

Apr17

Most approaches to birth preparation emphasize “relaxation” and being able to “relax” during contractions. Some people have noted that the word “relax” isn’t very descriptive to women in labor–or, it can irritate them (“Just relax?!”) while at the same time not really giving them anything specific  to work with. I recently finished a really incredible book called Birthwork (more about this will follow in several more posts!) and it addresses this topic as follows:

…it can be disconcerting for a mother to be told to ‘just let go and relax’ during labour without some practical guidance on how to  do this or without first acknowledging how tough it is, or how stuck or frustrated the mother may feel. Perhaps a more helpful response might be:

–‘Let’s find a way to open more.’

–‘How can I help you to let go?’

–‘Try softening here.’

–‘Sometimes this works really well. Would you like to try it?’

I particularly like the “soften here” idea. It reminds me of something else I read in The Pink Kit, which was about “directed breathing.” The idea with directed breathing is that you can direct your breath into any specific area of your body–when helping a woman in labor, you might put your hand on her lower back and ask her to “breathe into my hand.” When you practice this at home, it is fascinating to me how you actually have a sensation of “breathing” in your back, or thigh, or shoulder, or wherever–sort of a subtle feeling of expansion.

Non-verbal Communication

Apr13

Birthing women tend to enter “birth brain” while focusing during labor–this is a more primal, instinctive, intuitive, primitive part of their brain and it tends to be fairly nonverbal. I often remind fathers-to-be in my classes not to ask their partners too many questions while they focus on birthing, because questions pull women out of “birth brain” and into the more analytical, rational side of the brain that we use in day-to-day life (this “thinking” brain is not as useful during labor!) Instead, I encourage birth partners to just “do” and then pay attention to the woman’s nonverbal cues (or short, verbal cues) about whether to keep it up–an example I often use is with giving her a drink of water or juice. Instead of asking, “do you want another drink?” Just hold the straw up to her lips! If she is thirsty, she will drink, and if she is not she won’t. No words need to be exchanged. Other reactions might be that she might push the drink away, say “no,” or shake her head.

As I referenced in a prior post, I recently finished reading through The Pink Kit. It has some more related thoughts to add:

Childbirth is such intense work that sometimes a woman just can’t get a full sentence (or even a short one) out of her mouth. You can’t read her mind. However, it’s not too difficult to read her body language…During labour, it will be easier for her to push your hand away, say ‘shhhh,’ grab you and hold on, or put your hand on some part of her body, than to talk. Often a woman can THINK something so loudly, she’s certain she’s said it aloud.”