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Rites of Passage Resources for Daughters & Sons

Oct24

“Childbirth is a rite of passage so intense physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, that most other events in a woman’s life pale next to it. In our modern lives, there are few remaining rituals of initiation, few events that challenge a person’s mettle down to the very core. Childbirth remains a primary initiatory rite for a woman.” –from the book MotherMysteries

“One of the greatest failings of our society
is that we do not have a ceremony to mark
the passage from childhood to adulthood.”

~Dr. Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain~

As a culture, we have very few recognized rites of passage.  I would suggest that perhaps marriage is the only remaining rite of passage that is acknowledged in the mainstream with celebration and ritual. We also have 18th and 21st birthdays recognized as transitional, but unfortunately only through celebrations that involve a lot of drinking. We also recognize the birth of a new baby, but the focus is on the baby and not on the transitional rite of passage for the woman and very often her needs, wishes, and feelings about the experience are trivialized, minimized, or even discouraged (i.e. a healthy baby is ALL that matters…). This summer when a friend’s son turned 13, I was looking up rites of passage for boys, and was frustrated to find the most common definition or experience of a “rite of passage” for a teenage boy was having sex for the first time or getting drunk for the first time. 😦 I would actually venture to conclude that some of the nationwide problems we experience with birth and maternity care stem from this basic lack of acknowledgement of significant rites of passage in our lives.

So, I’ve very much been enjoying my participation in a free telesummit on Rites of Passage for boys and girls, planned by DeAnna L’am of Red Moon and Janet Allison of Boys Alive (there are a variety of guest speakers from a variety of other organizations and backgrounds as well, both men and women).

The event goes on through next week, so check it out if you get a chance! Good stuff!

Rites of Passage: Skillfully Guiding Girls into Womanhood and Boys into Manhood

This same week a student asked me for resources for a mother-daughter group. I had some suggestions for her and figured I’d include them here!

The Thundering Years: Rituals and Sacred Wisdom for Teens
Amazon affiliate link included in image.

In the past, I’ve facilitated a mother-daughter group using a curriculum called Meetings at the Moon that was published by the Unitarian Universalist Association. I’m not sure if it is available any longer though because I no longer see it available on their website. I really love it. Some other resources I like are: Wild Girls which is a book by Patrician Mongahan and includes ideas for facilitating a girls’ circle; the curriculum/program Women’s Rites of Passage by Hermitra Crecraft; and the book Becoming Peers: Mentoring Girls into Womanhood by DeAnna L’am.

I’ve previously referenced some material on rites of passage and rituals from the book The Thundering Years also, which is an excellent book about creating rituals and sacred ceremonies for teenagers. The other books I mentioned are specifically for girls, but The Thundering Years is for both boys and girls.

I’d love to hear additional suggestions from readers if you have favorite resources on rites of passage celebrations or initiations for our adolescents!

And, speaking of telesummits and also my own need for self-care and rest, I also decided to treat myself to the “upgraded” version of an upcoming telesummit for women called Wild Free Beautiful You. (The basic event is free, so check it out!) More about this soon!

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Amazon affiliate links included in book images and Wild Free Beautiful You affiliate link included in telesummit image.

(and, this was another “short post”—I’m doing pretty good, aren’t I?! ;-D)

Blog Break Festival!

Oct19

Blog Festival Entries to date:

Guest Post: Mothers Matter–Creating a Postpartum Plan

Guest Post: Nine Reasons to Choose Independent Birth Eduation

Young Moms: Making Childbirth Education Relevant to Them

Guest Post: A Secular Sabbath

Guest Post: The Women’s Lounge

Guest Post: Motherful at Midlife

Guest Post: Don’t Touch Me… Don’t Even Look At Me

Blogaversary birth jewelry giveaway!

Call for your experiences – the impact of birth trauma and beyond

On recent mini-vacation.

In my family, we have a saying about being, “my own best friend.” We say it when we’re helped out by something we did, or something we plan to do—i.e. “I picked out my clothes in advance last night when I knew I had an early morning ahead of me. I’m my own best friend!”

So, I’m going to be my own best friend right now and host a blog festival as well as a blog break for myself!

I have a crazy October/November ahead of me. I’m teaching three classes—two in-seat and one online—and I’m feeling overwhelmed by that already and they don’t start until Monday. I’m also planning a Sagewoman ceremony for my women’s circle and really want it to be special. Alaina needs a lot from me lately and the boys are really busy with their classes and activities and so my usual opportunities to have alone time to work are becoming markedly diminished lately. And, like a genius, I decided to sign up for FIVE new classes in my doctoral program in addition to the three I’m currently in the progress of finishing! (Luckily, they’re all self-paced and so I don’t have to work on them all at once. If I did, I wouldn’t have been that crazy to sign up for five more.) As I look ahead at the next couple of months, I realize that I need to take a moderate blog break in order to free up my attention and energy for my other projects. I don’t want to totally put my blog on hold, but I do want to, finally, figure out how to write SHORTER posts for the time being and save the involved, insightful posts that I put a lot of thought into for my winter break. I also just really need to give myself permission to be “off” here and direct my attention towards other roles.

Blog Festival

So, for my blog festival, I’m seeking guest posts to publish during my blog break! Rather than a blog carnival, I want to host the posts here (with links back to your own blogs/sites of course). I hope this is a mutually beneficial idea and can showcase the work of other birth/women’s health bloggers! Your post does not have to be new content, it can be a personal favorite, or, related to the specific topic ideas for which I am soliciting content. My wishes are for…

I’m also collecting stories about labial/clitoral tearing for a future article or blog post on the subject. More specific follow-up post to follow about this.

Please email me your contributions for this Blog Festival experiment and I will merrily schedule them!

Permission & Radiance

So, once again I’ve found myself staring at The Mountain of Too Much and a familiar a crisis of abundance. This happens routinely. I should be used to it by now! But, I feel this creeping sense of overwhelm and dismay as I look at my calendar, my commitments, and my neverending to-do list. And, as I continue to try to be more and do better and yet always feel as if I’m not enough. I feel myself getting ragged and I don’t like it. I also have a feeling that I’m forgetting the self-care mantra, “the things that matter most should never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.” I keep getting distracted by little bits and bites and losing sight of what I most value. I’m also not taking care of myself—not eating enough, running out of time to exercise, being preoccupied rather than present, always doing the “should dos” instead of the “want tos.” I crave rest. I fantasize about just being able to rest. But, then I discover I’m not sure I know how.

So, I very much appreciated this extremely thought-provoking audio-blog Women in Cyberspace ~ Our Blind Spots – IndigoBacal.com. She makes a lot of important observations about how women use social media, including blogging, and she shared: “What I discovered was that sharing as much of myself as possible, as much of my inspiration as possible [online] was actually diminishing my radiance…”

I actually have quite a lot more to share about this and various navel-gazing meandering thoughts about me, me, me, but I think I’m going to keep my radiance to myself for a bit. And, practice this whole SHORTER posts goal…

As I listened however, I became aware that at some level almost all the time is the thought, I can’t stop/rest, because I might die. Meaning, what if I die before I “finish”—what if I run out of time for my dreams and plans, what if my life ends before I “get around to it”? And so, this compulsion to do it all now. In case this is my only opportunity. And, what if I don’t matter? Isn’t that stinky? I need to work on this in myself (or not, because I’m really sick and tired of my never-ending, relentless self-improvement project and never, never being enough). I also read/listened to this piece: You Have Permission (Right NOW!) and decided that I MUST give myself permission to rest without worrying about dying. I must! So, I am. And, you, lovely readers, can help me do that by sending me delicious blog posts to publish during my blog festival…

Thank you for reading! 🙂

Oh, and by the way, contributions about how you rest are also most welcomed…

Grand Gulf/Mammoth Spring Mini-Vacation

Oct17

This post is one of those primarily-for-myself/family members-as-well-as-memory-record/virtual-scrapbook sorts of posts. Will return to more appropriately birthy, womanist posts soon…

My college classes run on 8 week sessions, 5 sessions per year. This means I get five breaks of 2-3 weeks each during the course of the year. We have a family tradition of taking a vacation during my October break. This year, due to multiple weekend commitments (my brother got married! Yay! It was beautiful! Our close friends are building a straw bale house and the big bale-raising is this weekend. More yay! I’m really excited for them!) and due to the fact that Alaina is still too young to be a very awesome care traveler, we planned a mini vacation rather than a full-fledged vacation.

Since long before we had kids I’ve wanted to visit Grand Gulf State Park in Thayer, Missouri right by the Arkansas state line. It is billed as a “little Grand Canyon” and while the real Grand Canyon is also on my bucket list, it doesn’t make any sense to go to the big one when the little one is right in your own two-hours-away back yard! Grand Gulf is a collapsed cave system that collapsed about 10,000 years ago, leaving a true chasm behind. The Gulf is a mile long and 130 feet deep. Water flows underground in the remainder of the cave system and emerges two miles later in Arkansas at Mammoth Spring, where it produces nine million gallons of water an hour and is the tenth largest spring in the world. After driving for about 2.5 hours, we visited Grand Gulf on Sunday afternoon. Then, we continued on for 18 miles to our hotel in Hardy, AR which is a small, historic town with little shops. On Monday, we spent the morning checking out Mammoth Spring and then the afternoon visiting the shops in Hardy. On Tuesday, we ate homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast at the hotel and then headed back home, arriving in plenty of time to take the kids to taekwondo and to get me to my faculty meeting that night.

Here is a gallery of pictures from our three destinations! (if you click on any picture, it will open up a large version and then you can page through all of them like a slideshow)

 

Family mini-vacation officially earns a two-thumbs up from all of us. It was low-key enough of a destination to do everything in the time we had without feeling rushed at all and being able to take leisurely pace with detours as need be. It was close enough to get there in under three hours with three kids, but far enough away to be located in “exotic” Arkansas so we could feel like we actually “went somewhere.” The trip was short enough in duration that we’re not exhausted and struggling to recover and the kids didn’t get overdone in the car. We’ve already thought of some other potential destinations for future class breaks and also discussed drawing a circle on the map with a four-hour radius and see how many places we could go.

The Real EC

Oct13

I’ve meant to write a blog post about elimination communication for years. This week, I gave a small presentation about EC to our local mother’s group and so, at last, here is an EC post!

Basics:

Elimination communication is also known as “natural infant hygiene” or “infant potty training,” but I most prefer EC because the emphasis is in the right place—on the communication element. Potty training is not the “goal” of EC really, paying attention to and responding to baby’s innate pottying cues is the goal. I’ve seen it referred to essentially like this: potty training is no more the goal of elimination communication than weaning is the goal of breastfeeding. (Sorry, I didn’t bookmark the article in which I read this and am paraphrasing from memory!).

Elimination communication involves four main components (I will explain how each of these worked in my personal experience following these definitions):

Timing

Babies have fairly regular and predictable time for peeing and pooping. Timing is helpful for EC and really half the strategy in my opinion—if you know when baby is likely to pee, you hold them over the potty instead of leaving them in a diaper. Simple!

Signals

Also called “cues,” signals are the ways in which baby tells you that s/he needs to potty: “These signals vary widely from one infant to another, and include a certain facial expression, a particular cry, squirming, a sudden unexplained fussiness, as well as others. Babies who are nursing will often start delatching and relatching repeatedly when they need to eliminate. For defecation, many babies will grunt or pass gas as a signal. Older babies can learn a gesture or baby sign for ‘potty.'” (via Elimination communication – wikidoc)

Cueing

This is the sound (cue) that the parent or caregiver makes to help let the baby know it is time to let go and pee/poop. The classic sound is a “psss psss” sound, which I don’t care for because it sounds like you’re saying, “piss” to your baby. So, I always used, “ssss” instead, which to me sounds like the pee hitting a receptacle. You start out making the sound as baby is peeing and then once the association is developed, you then make the sound to cue baby that it is time to go. (A grunting sound is also really helpful even though it is embarrassing and basically just sounds kind of awful!)

Intuition

“Intuition refers to a caregiver’s unprompted thought that the baby may need to eliminate. Although much intuition may simply be subconscious awareness of timing or signals, many parents who practice EC find it an extremely reliable component.” (via Elimination communication – wikidoc). More about this soon!

What is it REALLY like to EC:

If you practice elimination communication, you may experience some or all of the following…

  • Life will revolve around your child’s urination
  • You will know more about another person’s bowel/bladder habits than anyone ever should.
  • You may spill cold pee on your crotch in the night. More than once.
  • Baby’s pants dry! You’re awesome! But…uh oh, mama has to change all own clothes including her underwear…
  • No diaper to wash, FTW! Yes, but several wipe up rags, your whole outfit, and baby’s pants…
  • You may find yourself musing that someone should invent something…it would wrap around the baby’s lower half and catch all of this pee and poop stuff and then you could just take it off after baby goes…and wash it…or, maybe throw it away…Gasp! I’m a genius! I should invent something like this…
  • It will give you something else to feel guilty about. (This depends on what kind of mother you are. If you’re laidback, you’ll probably be cool here. If you’re semi-neurotic, you will slap yourself in the face every time you miss a cue or every time you were too busy to take baby to potty. You may berate yourself for not listening well enough to baby and that, “I KNEW I should have taken her to the potty, WHY didn’t I listen to myself/her?! BAD MOTHER!”)
  • Many of your mothering stories will involve, “and then I got peed on…“

On the flip side:

  • You will feel like rock star
  • You will be amazed/exhilarated—it is unbelievable how thrilling pee/poop can be!
  • Once you start, you can’t NOT do it. It works. Will look back and think, why didn’t I do this with my other babies?

BABYBJORN Smart Potty – White
(Amazon affiliate link)

Some mothers use a bowl or the bathroom sink for pottying. Many others use the regular toilet. I suggest the Baby Bjorn Little Potty (one piece molded plastic) or the K-Mart knock-off version—keep one in the car, one by/under bed (at night, just pull out from under the bed and hold on lap and then stick back under bed to clean out in morning. This is how the cold pee in the crotch experiences are born).

Personal Experiences:

  • We started EC full-time with Z about 7 weeks and with Alaina at 3 weeks, though kept diaper-free before that too (but rather than a potty, we kept a cloth diaper or blanket under them).
  • My choice was to have them wear diapers while out, though it is possible to buy special clothes or have them go diaperless while in public also.
  • Easy off clothes are a must.
  • By six months, both of them would sleep all night (12-6) dry even while nursing multiple times at night. Alaina now sleeps from 12-8 without peeing, but while nursing probably four times. I don’t really understand how this works!
  • We learned the secret of the Midnight Pee. Always take baby potty at midnight and you will sleep on dry sheets all night!
  • With Z, we did EC full-time. With A–full-time at night/home, while out and with other people around mostly diapers.

Personal Tips:

  • Doesn’t have to be all or nothing
  • Not about your worth as a mother–self-esteem should not come into it!
  • Take baby pee right after waking or even as baby is squirming around in sleep
  • During nursing–milk lets down, pee too!
  • When legs kick mysteriously and disruptively in night
  • When acting weird at breast—popping on/off. My observation is that many issues described first as breastfeeding “problem” behaviors are really potty-related really.
  • Baby is, “just training you”—yes, and why not? Good to be attentive!

***Respond to random potty thoughts!*** This is my most helpful tip. I read it in an article once. It is pretty much foolproof. If you are going about your day and suddenly, PEE!!! pops into your head, stop what you are doing and take baby to the potty. It is almost guaranteed. And, do it even if you, “just took him” otherwise you will be kicking yourself and saying, “I knew he needed to go. I should have listened to myself!”

Why?

Just like nursing—they tell you from birth that they need to go. Babies begin life not wishing to wet/dirty themselves. We train the communication response out of them and train them to go in their clothes. Later, when they’re around 3, we start trying to “train” them out of the going-in-the-clothes habit that we unknowingly worked pretty hard to get them to do.

Simply about listening to/paying attention to your baby—just like in other ways. Good foundation for your relationship with your baby.

Remember the goal of EC is communication, attention, and respect for your baby’s needs, not crunchy points, faster potty training, or smugness.

So, even though I just said it wasn’t about potty training or about smugness, eventually you may then feel some smugness benefits and in the end, I was delighted with our…

Personal Results

  • Z began wearing undies full-time at 14 months. He had one ever outside-the-house “accident” (at the skating rink. I still remember!). Whoever says boys are harder to potty train or don’t develop “sphincter control” until later than girls is full of it! (and, FYI, if “sphincter control” was actually a response that needed to develop, babies would drip pee/poop out of their bodies constantly. They simply don’t, diapers or otherwise. I read a critical article about EC once in which the author asserted that babies who are EC’ed are really being trained to “hold it” and that that is damaging to their bodies. Babies “hold it” from BIRTH. It is parents that then train them to “let go” in their diapers rather than another receptacle.
  • Alaina in undies full-time at 18 months, lots more accidents (we were less consistent/involved with EC with her though). Takes dolls to potty and says, ssssss.
  • Zero poop diapers in ages—never a poop “accident.” Probably last time I had washed a poopy dipe with either kid was around 6-8 months old.

Overall, EC has been a mixed bag for me. In the end, it has been worth it. And, like I said, after doing it with one kid, it no longer felt optional. It works. They know. And, once you know they know, you can’t go back. Cold pee in the crotch and all.

ssssss…

Dress Deja Vu (Remember to Look)

Oct3

My family is in a whirlwind of activity and excitement preparing for my brother’s wedding on Sunday and we have relatives visiting from out-of-town. The wedding is at my parents’ house and so there has been a frenzy of cleaning! During said frenzy, my mom found several sweet little smocked dresses made by my grandmother. Alaina wore one to homeschool co-op on Wednesday where she was complimented on her “vintage look.” That night, my grandma arrived from CA and we were talking about the dress. I said I thought it had been mine and a vague memory of Easter pictures of me wearing it surfaced. I snagged my infant photo album and sure enough there it was! (and, appropriately, I’m actually wearing it when we were visiting them in CA.)

Check me out:

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I took a picture of my aunt holding Alaina before I found the pictures of myself and coincidentally, she was looking off the same direction!
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Hmm. Look familiar?! I’m only about a year old here though and Alaina is now closer to two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since my grandma is visiting for my brother’s wedding and she is the person who made the dress in the first place, of course I had to get a photo of her with Alaina:

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Back to me with the Easter egg I was happy to find!

And then one of the former dress-wearer and current dress-wearer together:

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In this picture, I’m also wearing a lovely new sweater that my grandma knitted for me. It is gorgeous!
If I feel weird about this picture, how must my mom and grandma feel?!

Moments like these are sweet and beautiful, while simultaneously feeling shocking and almost depressing.

And, I’m reminded of this poem I have previously shared:

“Holding tight to my neck, my son
trusts – he knows no other way – my touch lightly
dries his tears. I am his queen, his goddess, handily
his slave. Blink, it’s a photo again, a trick of the eye,

a frozen captive of time, paper, light and silver: my son
is a grown man: he drinks from his own hand.

Reader, I urge you,

spin slowly, take pictures, remember to laugh.”

(emphasis mine)

I would say, remember to look. Remember to feel. Remember to notice. Pay attention. Tell about it.

This is what I looked and noticed yesterday when we went to pick my boys up from taekwondo class:

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Oh, does my heart both swell and ache to see those little tippy-toes.

Guest Post: Homemade Baby Food

Oct3

Homemade Baby Food

by Cynthia Dorsch

            Given the recent trends in DIY projects and healthy, homemade concoctions, it’s no surprise that baby food is also on board.  Making your own homemade delicacies for your child is not nearly as complicated as it sounds.  Homemade baby food projects can be just as fun as they are economical.  Listed below are some of the best recipes I’ve encountered in my days as a DIY baby food maker.

To begin, any baby food recipe is going to require the use of some type of blender.  Getting the food pureed to a perfect consistency may be essential to pleasing the palate of your young one.

Sweet Potato Based Puree

No baby food recipe arsenal is complete without a good sweet potato based purée.  Infants almost always take sweet potatoes without complaints and the many health benefits associated with them don’t hurt either.  To get this recipe started you will need to

  • Preheat your oven to 375 degrees
  • Take one large sweet potato, and making sure it is properly cleaned, poke a few holes in it with a fork
  • Place it in the oven for about 40-50 minutes, or until it is soft to the touch
  • Once baked, cut the potato in half and scrape the contents into your purée device
  • Depending on your appliance, you may want to wait until it has cooled to blend, but either way, go ahead and give it a whirl to ensure no large chunks or hard pieces will make it to your baby’s tray
  • After it has been blended, make sure it is cool enough for your toddler’s mouth and voila! You have yourself a great supply of baby food!

Apple Based Puree

                Appealing to your baby’s sweet tooth can be a difficult challenge.  You don’t want to overly emphasize sugar and sweetness but you still want to have your little one have a great treat once in a while.  I found this following recipe to be the perfect marriage of both of these and my son (who’s sadly now a little too old for this) thought so too!  To whip up some awesome apple inspired baby food you will need to:

  • Get two apples, I generally favored the Red Delicious variety but I’ve also heard of Braeburns being used as well
  • Peel the apples and carefully cut them into large pieces
  • Set aside about an 8th of cinnamon
  • Place the apples in a steamer above a pot of nicely boiling water
  • Leave them in there for about 4 to 5 minutes or until tender
  • Once they’re nice and soft put them, along with the cinnamon into your blender and blend till smooth
  • After the mixture has cooled, you’ve got a wonderful apple based purée!

Bean Based Puree

            Beans are a great staple for any growing youngster’s body.  With their complete proteins and fiber, giving your baby a great homemade bean purée is a great choice that requires a little more elbow grease than the last recipes. However, this can really pay off with the happy grins and smiles of a satisfied and full youngster. To get the ball rolling you will need to make sure you have:

  • 1 cup of some leafy greens, (Kale or Spinach are great healthy choices)
  • A clove of garlic
  • A tablespoon of chopped onion
  • An 8th of a teaspoon of oregano
  • A half cup of cooked brown rice
  • A cup of cooked white beans
  • And finally, a half cup of cooked tomatoes

You’ll want to make sure your kale is properly cooked or steamed before you add it to the blender.  A great thing you can do here is steam the onions, oregano and the greens all at once.  Place all the ingredients in the blender and purée until everything is smooth.  Make sure this meal is cooled properly before serving and see how fast your baby will eat this treat up.

Cynthia Dorsch loves writing about health and wellness. In her free time she can often be found researching and catching up on trending techniques and new innovations in the medical field. She currently writes and blogs for My Egg Bank, a company specializing in third-party reproduction.

Domestic Violence During Pregnancy

Sep26

By Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE, CCCE

Violence during pregnancy is an unfortunately common experience. Between four and eight percent of women experience domestic (intimate partner) violence during their pregnancies. The incidence of violence increases for women with unplanned or unwanted pregnancies with 26% of pregnant teens experiencing intimate partner violence and 15% of all women whose pregnancies are unwanted being in an abusive relationship. Indeed, murder is the second only to car accidents as the most common cause of injury related death for pregnant women.[1] Sadly, these statistics are likely higher in reality due to underreporting or misclassification.

Despite prevalence and severity, domestic violence is not often addressed in the birth community. Books directed at pregnant women rarely even mention violence in pregnancy (and most do not even include it at all), even though the incidence is similar to the rate of premature births and much higher than the incidence of various pregnancy related complications that generally warrant at least a paragraph in birth literature (such as placenta previa). Likewise, books and training programs for doulas, birth educators, and other birth professionals, generally neglect to address intimate partner violence.

An introduction to the issue of domestic violence during pregnancy requires an understanding of the following dynamics:

  • Cycle of Violence—the concept that violent behavior in a relationship tends to occur in three distinct phases. In the tension building phase, the battered partner feels as if she is “walking on eggshells.” The abuser’s temperament and mood becomes increasingly unpredictable and volatile and culminates in the explosion/eruption phase in which an acutely violent incident occurs. Early in a relationship, this phase is often followed by the honeymoon phase during which the batterer is contrite, asks for forgiveness, offers gifts, and assures the woman that, “it will never happen again.” The length of each phase varies by couple and with their relationship. Over time, the tension building or explosion phases may be very prolonged, with little or no time spent in the honeymoon phase.

The cycle of violence continues to repeat and tends to escalate in severity, despite the assurances that the batterer makes during the honeymoon phase.

  • Domestic violence is about power and control. It is NOT about anger management, substance abuse (though substances can increases violent incidents), or “nagging” from a girlfriend or wife.
  • The abusive partner tends to tell the woman that the violence is her fault and that she provokes or deserves the abusive incidents. He often isolates her from people and situations that will help her know otherwise.
  • Abusive relationships may involve physical, emotional, or verbal battering and frequently some combination of the three. Physical abuse includes pushing, choking, kicking, sexual abuse and other means of physical control/harm as well as punching or slapping. Verbal and emotional or psychological abuse involves name calling, insults, berating, shouting/screaming, humiliation, threats, intimidation, destruction of property, isolation, activity restriction, abuse of pets, and withholding of economic, physical, or emotional resources. Women often forget to acknowledge some physical forms of violence like choking or pushing as “real” abuse and will often not consider themselves abused unless they have been punched or slapped by their husband or partner.
  • Women stay in abusive relationships for numerous reasons. Battered women often leave their relationships several times before they end it for good. Reasons are dynamic, complex, and individual. Some very basic reasons include hope, love, and fear. The most dangerous time in the relationship is when she leaves—it is then that she is most likely to be severely injured or killed. As a society, we should NOT be asking why women stay, we should be asking how we can stop domestic violence from happening.

 So, what can you do? If you are a pregnant woman who is being abused, please contact your local domestic violence shelter or hotline. Or, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Even if you do not feel ready to leave your relationship, many shelters offer “outpatient” support groups and counseling. If you are a prenatal health care provider (midwife, doctor, nurse, physician assistant), please include domestic violence screening questions during your prenatal visits and be alert and responsive to signs of violence. If you are a doula, birth educator, or other birth professional, include a discussion of domestic violence during your classes or prenatal visits and encourage exploration and acknowledgment of these issues during your networking with other birth workers. You may also wish to download and read the Center for Disease Control’s guide, Intimate Partner Violence during Pregnancy: A Guide for Clinicians. If you are a friend or relative of a pregnant woman experiencing abuse, help her develop a safety plan and encourage her to seek the services of a domestic violence shelter.

Though it can be very awkward to address domestic violence issues with women directly and can feel like an intrusion into private lives, if you choose silence, you contribute to a continued culture of fear, shame, denial, and invisibility for the many women experiencing violence during this time in their lives. Acknowledging the reality and prevalence of violence against women in our culture and encouraging open, respectful, and assertive dialog about it is a powerful tool in reducing the occurrence. Strive to help bring violence against pregnant women into public view instead of considering family violence to be private, family business. Women and babies are too important for us to remain quiet.

Portions of this article are excerpted from the booklet Talking to a Battered Woman: A Guide for the Short Term Helper by Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE. This booklet is available as free pdf file on Molly’s website (http://talkbirth.me). Molly is a certified childbirth educator, the editor of the Friends of Missouri Midwives newsletter, a breastfeeding counselor, and a college professor.

[1] National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet “Reproductive Health & Pregnancy,” http://www.ncadv.org/files/reproductivehealthandpregnancy.pdf

This article was originally published in Citizens for Midwifery News and was later reprinted in International Doula along with a companion sidebar by Susan Hodges.

Related post: Birth Violence

Nine is Divine!

Sep21

So, an interesting new feeling for me as I got ready to write a happy birthday post about my oldest boy this week…I realized I should probably ask his permission before writing things about him to share on the internet! He said it was fine. I do already ask before sharing quotes/pictures on Facebook usually, if I think they’re potentially embarrassing at all.

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See what I mean?! Snaggly teeth and big nose is my default, self-esteem-blow, embarrassment self-concept. Though, actually this picture was taken when I was 11, so perhaps really 9-11 are the awkward years!

I’ve been a mother for nine years now! As I said in my post from this morning, I feel weird about this because I remember being nine. I remember other ages too, of course, but nine is when I first start journaling and so I have more concrete memories and records of that time. I guess it is the age that marks the beginning of my own conscious awareness of myself and the world in a way that still feels familiar today—it was beginning, the dawn, of my adult thought processes. I also remember starting to feel self-conscious for the first time at nine, like my teeth were too big, my knees were too knobby, etc. And, personal remarks made by others about my appearance stuck for life at that age (i.e. the knees thing—a friend of my grandma’s commented to me, “when my daughter was your age, her knees looked just like yours and I too her to the doctor because I thought something was wrong with her.” Gee, thanks.) I also have this thing that I’ve had for a long time in which when I get embarrassed about something or something goes wrong, I say, “I feel like I’m nine again!” Nine was an awkward age for me. Feels weird that it could be Lann’s future self’s embarrassing archetype too!

His birthday always feels like my birth-day too. It is my birth-of-a-mother day, though as I shared last year I felt forged rather than born as a mother. Today, I made sure to put on the necklace I bought for myself as a first-birth-day-present in 2004 (it was my first goddess pendant too–who knew how that collection would evolve!)

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PMC pendant made by a Canadian artist and carefully selected by me as a birth-day gift to myself 8 years ago!

Anyway, so back to my actual kid instead of me, me, me! This year has brought good changes for Lann. As I’ve alluded to previously, our work party relationships have enriched all of our lives. I’ve watched Lann develop tons more self-confidence and create friend relationships that do not have to be encouraged/guided/forced by me. Something that hasn’t changed is that this boy is an artist! He’s recently been thoroughly engaged by needle felting and created lots of awesome monster heads and action figures:
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Both the boys also started taking taekwondo lessons as well as gymnastics and they love them both. Again with the self-confidence—two years ago, Lann would have been too scared to go to something like that without me. Now, I drop them off and he loves it. It is a good reminder to me about waiting until people are ready rather than pushing them. It happens eventually!

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Look at this big kid!

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Birthday cake request was for a chocolate/vanilla swirl. We bought a mix and discovered to our dismay that it had both red and yellow food coloring in it! (We cut food colors our of the boys’ diets early this year and it has been a very good thing.)

So, as I stood there in my pajamas, I had to make a quick re-adjustment in plans and I made a swirl cake from scratch instead even though I’ve never ever made a vanilla cake from scratch before (I used my usual chocolate cake recipe and left out the cocoa. I’m smart like that.)

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Pretty nice, Molly, pretty nice! ;-D

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Blowing out the candles! I almost didn’t find nine of them!

Lann remains very devoted to Minecraft and Baba surprised him with a homemade Enderman toy! (Zander and Alaina both got one too)

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Aren’t they lucky to have such a talented and crafty Baba?!

In addition to TKD and gymnastics, the boys also signed up for homeschool co-op again this year after having taken two years off. They’re taking a mythology/dragons class and also animation. I neglected to take a “first day of school” picture of the boys, but I did take a cute one of Alaina:
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For Lann’s birthday, Mark took the day off and set up a laser tag arena in the field in front of our house. He bought special colored lights and set up obstacles and things to hide behind, etc. We also have five, count ’em five, laser tag guns and a visiting friend brought three more. So, we had spirited nighttime battles with a group of eight at a time—I played too, at first while nursing Alaina (and running in the dark. I rock!). It was super fun. Originally intended as a “money saving” option rather than paying $65 to go to the laser tag arena in town, after we bought the extra guns, and light bulbs, and tarps, and fence posts, I think we “saved” approximately –$50 😉

So, having a nine year old is awesome. He’s funny and smart. Pretty responsible (I’m feeling apprehensive about the iPod touch many family members chipped in to buy him this year–sudden he doesn’t seem quite big enough and is kind of slinging it around. He did send his very first email this morning though, with coaching!). He is a good big brother and super helpful with Alaina. He makes movies, he does art. He draws comics. He is more packed with ideas for businesses, products, and money-making plans than any kid I’ve ever known. He is creative and amazing!

Some more pix!

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Make up for movie a little more uncomfortable than bargained for!

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Nice big brother!

Flashback: Playing with Tom! (grandpa)

I found out I was pregnant with Zander right around Lann’s second birthday!

The baby who made us parents and us a family! Look at what a small little family we were! (though, it felt plenty full then. Sometimes I’m amazed that I’ve been able to expand to add more people to it!)

Happy ninth birthday, first baby boy!

Related posts:

Eight is Great!

Lann’s Birth Story–Baba Style!

My First Birth

Lann’s Birth Story–Baba Style!

Sep21

Today my firstborn son turns NINE! I can hardly believe it. I mean, I remember being nine. What happened?! And, as I thought about his birth and planned to share his birth story link as I always do, I suddenly remembered…I have his birth story from my mom’s perspective too! And, I’ve never shared it here (I also have my friend’s version and my doula’s version—this could keep me going for a while!). In our family, we call my mom Baba as her grandma name, so here is the tale of Lann’s birth, Baba Style:

The time for Lann’s birth was rapidly approaching, and I felt like I was fairly well prepared. My bag was packed, and I had been studying my labor support information. I needed to honor my commitment to demonstrate lace making at the Potosi Bisonfest, so I had driven a separate car, and had my newly purchased cell phone handy – I even made a test call to Molly and Mark to be sure it would work from that location. It was a long day – up at 5:45 a.m., drive 2 hours to Potosi, demonstrate for 6 hours, drive 2 hours home. I made it through without receiving “The Call”, and thought I’d go ahead and check in with them to see if the watched pot had begun to boil before falling, exhausted, into bed.

What a surprise it was to have Mark answer at about 7:30, and tell me that they thought something was happening. I couldn’t believe it, even though this was the moment we’d all been waiting for! Molly got on the phone, and expressed her concern that perhaps this was false labor. I tried to reassure her that it didn’t matter to me if I had to make 10 false trips, as long as I didn’t miss it. Her contractions were coming regularly and close together, but even so, she seemed reluctant to call in her support team without feeling more confident about what was happening. We decided to wait a little while, and see what developed. I used that time to change out of my demonstration costume, and begin gathering supplies I thought I might need (book, project, birth art, extra clothing, etc.). The phone rang within 45 minutes, and this time Molly said she wanted me to come. She told me that during contractions, she kept thinking it was time for me to come, but that between them she felt she was doing fine. I took that to mean it was time for me to get to Jefferson City!

I listened to soothing music in the car as I tried not to speed on my trip. I repeatedly visualized how the evening would progress, even though I knew that anything could happen, and that I needed to be open to whatever occurred. No amount of imagination could prepare me for I was about to experience.

I arrived at the Remer home at about 10 p.m., where Mark let me in and told me Molly was in the shower. When I got upstairs, and unloaded my belongings, I could hear Molly humming “Woman am I” from behind the bathroom door. When she came out, wrapped in a green towel, she was so adorable that I had to take a couple of pictures. She said she’d had 7 contractions while in the shower, and was glad I was there.

It’s hard to remember the exact chronology of events. After a while, we called the doula – but when she wanted to know the timing of the contractions, both Mark and I were vague. It was never clear to us if we were timing things correctly. What was clear was that the contractions were coming close together, and seemed intense to me. We called the birth center to give them a head’s up, but had to leave a message, and realized that we weren’t sure what the after hours procedure was supposed to do. We called S again to ask her how to contact the doctor, L, directly. It seems like around that time, L returned the call from Molly’s message, so apparently that’s their procedure – just leave a message and someone calls you back!

Meanwhile, Molly continued to have regular, intense contractions that barely ended before the next one began. She commented that she never seemed to get a break, and was a little fretful about things getting worse. I tried to let her know that she only needed to deal with each contraction as it came, and not to “suffer what she feared”, because maybe this was as heavy as they would ever get. I felt like I should be the voice of wisdom, even though I couldn’t really tell what was going on with her. My job was to soothe and support, and I had schooled myself carefully to remain cool and calm!

Throughout the contractions, Molly continued to hum “Woman am I”, and sometimes, as the humming began to speed up and get louder, I would hum along with her, hoping this would help to center her. We had various tricks that we had planned, like a foot massage, counter pressure, squeezing combs (hah!), but none of them seemed desirable or necessary. Occasionally, she would begin to question her ability to continue if it became more difficult, so I brought in her list of affirmations and read them to her between contractions – they were all familiar to her and seemed marginally helpful. Watching a woman labor makes the support people feel rather helpless, so it was good to find something that she could focus on, if only for a while. We also offered frequent drinks and food. Mark was extraordinarily in tune with her.

We tried various positions to ease her comfort. One mistake was suggesting that she lie down on the bed for a while. She said it made her feel terrible and trapped. She was amazingly calm and serene, otherwise. I had expected her to be irritable with me, or Mark, but she was very internal and focused. I had also expected to feel more protective than I did. I thought I’d want to take away her pain, and be the “mom” who fixes the hurts, but she was so in control the entire time that I didn’t feel the need to go into mom mode. Her strength was inspiring.

Around 2 a.m., we decided it was time to call S, who arrived in record time. It was a relief to have a more professional opinion available. Molly was in the bathroom at this time, and had quite a bit of pre-birth matter (to put it politely) that had been discharged into the toilet. To me, this looked like far more than the mucus plug and seemed to indicate that birth was imminent, but S didn’t seem to think so. I still don’t know, but it was definitely an indicator of big progress being made! Also, the contractions were very heavy and close together. S took us aside, and said that first-time moms take a really long time, and that we shouldn’t be jumping the gun – hindsight reveals that Molly was further along than any of us realized.

S altered the room lighting with little gentle lamps that gave off a dim blue light, very much like candles. She whipped out rice socks, and offered various suggestions for position changes. It was good to have someone else to offer support, although we were doing pretty well without her. Molly kept saying that she felt different inside, like something was happening, but she wasn’t too clear on what it was. She said that during contractions, she wanted to race to the birth center, but between them she didn’t. I remembered her saying something similar about my arrival, earlier, and wondered if maybe we should heed this and get straight in the car……

S suggested another shower, but Molly was quite resistant to this, and then announced that we should go to the birth center. I was glad to be at this point – in the hands of professionals! The original plan had been to transport in 3 cars – Molly and Mark in theirs with the carseat, me, and then S. It became obvious that Molly would be much more secure if she could have Mark’s attention during this 40 minute drive, so we switched the carseat to my vehicle, got everyone loaded, and sped away. It must have been at about 3:15, because we got to the birth center at 4. By this time, I was running on adrenaline, having had no sleep, and having already driven nearly 6 hours, but I felt charged and clear. My grandson was on his way, and I was the driver. This was an important task! I tend to drive a tad fast in ordinary circumstances, but this event led me to be a regular lead-foot. I kept it at about 75 mph, although S says I went faster. The road between JC and Columbia is very “swoopy” – there are lots of dips, and then bumps that the car sort of chunks over. Molly was moaning, and seemed especially agitated as we bumped and swooped. I don’t think slowing down would have helped, so I just kept the pedal to the metal and got her there as fast as I could.  I couldn’t tell what was happening in the back seat at all, and just concentrated on my driving.

We pulled into the parking lot of the center, and there was nobody there! As I began to question this, a car pulled in, and out stepped V [midwife], very calmly, carrying a cup of coffee. She opened the door, asked a few quiet questions, and then casually went off to brew more coffee. We unloaded some things, including Molly, who seemed a little confused and tired. Mark called friend Kate, who we had called before, leaving a message. Little did we know that she was standing by waiting for the follow-up call for hours! She arrived about a half hour later, beaming and fresh. It was good to see another caring face. We all wanted to do something – anything – for Molly. However, Molly was in complete command of herself, so it was left to us to stand quietly by.

We were placed in the room Molly had hoped to have, and I came in, no doubt thinking we had plenty of time. She checked Molly and said that she couldn’t find a cervix. I found this unnerving. Did she mean no progress had been made? How could that be?!? Did Molly have some bizarre disorder that caused her cervix to disappear? I was working hard on being quietly serene, so I finally just asked what she meant. V said Molly was fully dilated, and could begin pushing whenever she felt the urge. I’ll never forget Molly’s face, disheveled hair, and wide eyes as she looked questioningly at V and said, “Are you telling me the truth?” Well, she was telling the truth, and Molly soon began to push. At this point, I remembered the car ride, and realized that Molly had gone through transition while swooping along the highway.

At one point during the pushing, Molly was standing by the bed with her arms and elbows supporting her. She gave a tremendous grunt, and her water broke with an audible report, splashing Kate and lots of the floor. It seemed like a lot of fluid! At this juncture, V said she’d better call the doctor, so we helped Molly into the bathroom.

Molly was concerned about making huge messes, so she was fairly comfortable in the bathroom – that way, everything just dropped handily into the toilet. The age-old concern about excreting a wee amount of feces was there, so being on the toilet alleviated that problem. Mark was with her all the time. I should take a moment to mention how wonderful Mark was throughout this entire event. He never left her side, and was completely attentive to every move she made or word she spoke. He never lost his calm demeanor for a moment, and was a pillar of strength and support.

Dr. L was now present, and she added to the overall feeling of having a competent team in place. It also helped to know that things were moving right along, and Molly would soon have her tiny son.

I had made sure to bring along Molly’s birth necklace from the Blessingway, as well as her needle felted birth art. I took a moment to hang the necklace at the foot of the bed where she could see it, and I place her felted ladies on the table where they could look on. Molly was wearing a cotton-knit nightgown, and had on an amulet bag with the fused glass touchstone a friend had given her. We all knew that things were happening, and became very energized by the birthing energy.

While in the bathroom, as we stood outside the door, I could hear Molly humming her song – I hummed along with her so that she would know that I was still with her, even if I wasn’t in the same room. I didn’t know if she could hear me (she could), but I thought it might help.

Molly and Mark were still in the bathroom when L came out and told us that they wanted some privacy, and ushered us all out into the lobby. Before I left, I told everyone that Molly didn’t want to give birth on a toilet, and they seemed to hear me. We sat there – V, Kate, S and I – chatting a bit, and wondering what was going on in there. I voiced my trepidation that maybe I wouldn’t get to see the birth after all, but that I also realized that I wanted it to happen the way they wanted it. That meant they might not want me (or anyone) there, and I knew I needed to be at ease with that. V had some stories to tell of her own children not needing her. I wasn’t comforted, but was fully aware I needed to get over it! I later discussed this with Molly, who told me that L had asked if they wanted privacy, and when they said yes, she took it upon herself to move us out.

Not too much time elapsed (maybe 30 minutes), and L came out to invite us back into the birthing room, but that no talking was allowed. It was really hard to not utter any words of encouragement to Molly, who was now lying on her side on the bed. It was very dimly lit, so L shined a flashlight to show us the tiny tuft of hair emerging as the baby began to crown. Once again, I later found out that Molly had not requested complete silence – but at the time, I was afraid to make a peep for fear they’d kick me out and I’m miss everything. They had us place a mirror so that Molly could see the baby, and shifted her position so that she was sideways on the bed. If I’d been allowed to speak, I would have suggested placing something under her heels to give her purchase for pushing. Instead, I moved around a bit, and put my leg under her foot to try to help. Then, I had to move to allow room for L and V to get ready for the Lannbaby.

Molly expressed amazement that she was “really doing this” and repeated that it didn’t feel real. She kept saying things like, “This is really me! I’m really doing this!” She was astoundingly together the entire time.

Molly pushed and pushed, still serene and still in command. There was a great deal of stretching discomfort that alarmed her, but L put her mind at rest by telling her that her body was made to stretch like that. After a few more pushes, and Lann’s head emerged, crying loudly, and spluttering. Before this, I was recalling a birth support video that I’d watched, in which the baby wasn’t breathing and was shockingly limp and white. I was girding my loins to be calm and supportive if this happened – but no need! A very vibrant and squalling head greeted us! His body slithered out directly afterward, and we had a whole, crying baby boy in the room with us. What a miracle! The joy was intense. Kate and I burst into tears.

Just born!

L handed the baby to Molly, who immediately, with Mark behind her throughout, began crooning and talking to her tiny son. She instinctively put him to her breast, and he calmed as he began nursing. They cut the cord, and then needed to take him from her for checking, and diapering – it was time for the placenta, which slid out as nice as you please. They told Molly that she had a small tear, and didn’t recommend stitching it.

There was an uncomfortable follow-up moment, when some blood clots needed to be manually removed to that the uterus could properly contract. Mark had the baby, and it was hurting Molly, so she called to me. S got there first, but I soon took her place, and we went through a few more rounds of “Woman am I”.

We also joked with Molly about getting an A+++ on labor and birthing. I’m not sure what the staff made of that. They probably thought I was some pushy, overachieving home school mom that insisted on academic excellence. It was definitely an A+++ event!

This is about when I got a chance to hold my peacefully sleeping grandson – what a perfect little guy! It was such a wonder and an honor to be present at his birth. I’ll forever be grateful to Molly and Mark for allowing me to share this experience with them. It forged a new bond between us, and made me understand the reality of life everlasting. Little Lann is my immortality.

Baby Lann with his Baba!
(I couldn’t find a newborn one with Baba. Surely I have one?!)

With Baba nine years later! (and Aunt Nancy too!)

Thanks for being there, Mom! 🙂

—

Related posts:

My First Birth

Alaina’s Birth Story–Baba Style!

The tensions and triumphs of work at home mothering

Sep17

Tree pose…

Most of the time I love and feel very grateful for the opportunity to work from home. The work is interesting, stimulating, and fulfilling. I feel like I have a real opportunity to have a positive impact of my students’ lives. I love not having to drive in bad weather and I love being able to work around the rest of my life/schedule and around the lives of my kids. I enjoy the income and the professional development. I like contributing the our family’s financial health and feel optimistic about my potential to eventually be able to release my husband from “wage slavery” so we can both enjoy a predominantly home-based life. I enjoy the relationships I create and I enjoy the (admittedly, fairly limited!) “status” of my role. I love gathering and sharing information in a field I care about.

I recently got home from spending four days at of town at a festival in Kansas. On the long car ride there, Birthing Beautiful Ideas posed the question on Facebook: what does working at home look like for you today? My response was: Leaning over the car seat nursing on the way to Kansas while checking in with my online students via iPad! (bless the iPad, possibly the greatest addition to my life this year. I don’t know what I’d do without that thing!) Mondays are always on the rough side for me because I have to enter my grades for the week and that “extra” duty tends to topple me from got-it-under-control-territory into slightly too much territory. This Monday, however, I now have my first batch of 25 papers to grade. As I’ve alluded to in the past, usually online teaching blends seamlessly into my day, often taking roughly the same amount of time and energy that checking in with Facebook would take. During the two weeks each session that papers are due (fifth and seventh weeks out of an 8 week session), the work suddenly feels unmanageable and incompatible with motherhood and I feel taut, tense, and drawn. The kids are need-factories and I’m distracted and impatient and consumed with the NEED to get these freaking things GRADED and OUT OF MY HEAD! So, imagine how I feel today when the getting home from being gone coincides with the first batch of papers! Whew. This morning I happily experienced the modern motherhood sweet spot in which I snuggled comfortably in bed with my nursling, smelling her sweet head and holding my iPad with the other hand while I entered my fairly simple weekly grades. Then the day devolved slightly with people wanting to go outside and me not eating enough and being inexorably pulled into the swirl of un-responded to email backlog from the weekend as well as those dang papers.

Luckily, past self had some advice for me that came to the rescue this morning. At the close of the last paper grading session I typed myself the following note in my trusty iPad of goodness and beneficence:

Reminders to self about grading papers:

This is temporary
You are guaranteed to finish them. It will happen.
Remember you’ve done it before and it is normal for you to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and unable.

You need:
Two days, part days (Monday and Tuesday) or one whole day to finish.
Write on calendar in advance so you can prepare and give advance warning to helpers.

Don’t schedule anything and/or cancel commitments on those days (including LLL if need be)
Don’t try to do them while Alaina is awake
Skip school with boys–it will be there later
Don’t do any blog posts, school assignments, FB, or any other “work” on those two grading days–don’t secretly plan to do some anyway.
Take breaks for self-renewal
*Ask for help*
*Be kind, but firm and assertive about needing time and space to work. Expect to have this available and “allowed.”*
*Ask clearly for what you need.*

Plan to get up early and stay up late as needed–trust that these times can be backup if naptime/grandparent-visit times get messed up.

Don’t cook real dinners on those two days.

Be nice to the people you love. If you are mean, increase self-care and respectful requests for aid and be compassionate with own feelings of tension and irritation–respect them as “normal,” even though they aren’t desirable. Remember that it will pass as it always does and equilibrium will be restored.

Say no.

Remember–again–this is temporary and you’ve done it many times before!
Still pray. Listen to music. Take time for spirit.

Have a reward when you finish.

Release your shoulders. Breathe.

—

Wasn’t I smart?! It really helped to read these things and among other things I called Mark and asked him to bring home Papa Murphy’s for dinner. I told the boys it was “school-off day,” but we still ended up walking on the road and finding cool rocks and having an impromptu geography learning time. I said no to some things even though I felt badly about doing so and tried to figure out some other way to make them work. And, I’m trying to be okay with leaving my bubbling brew of blog post idea/updates (I want to write about my trip!), jewelry ideas, birth art ideas/writing, and more, and more, and more for “later” and trusting that later will, indeed, come. I am trying to feel compassion rather than hatred for my ragged self.

Why post this here? Who cares? Well, I do. I often use my blog as a “storehouse” of things to remember. And, when the next batch of papers rolls around, I want to easily be able to read my reminder list again! I also thought it might be of interest to the other mothers out there who continually teeter on the edge of finding that elusive and possibly-not-actually necessary “balance” in their work tasks and mothering tasks. I have a friend who describes balance not as making things “equal,” but as being like tree pose in yoga—you want one leg to be firm underneath you so you can stay standing up, but your two sides do not have to actually be “equal” in order to be balanced. Today, my balance is weighted towards the work-at-home tasks, but it will shift again and I’ll still be standing. Find your center. That is the mental reminder that instantly pulls my own literal tree pose into balance for me during my (formerly daily, now erratic) morning yoga. Find your center. Perhaps those words should find a home on my reminder list above as well.

Today, I also resisted the temptation to blurt out a giant laundry list of to-dos in my Facebook status, even though the panicky urge to do so was potent. I was reminded of my own prior reminder post about this tendency: Busy is Boring. I shared the link on Facebook this morning in lieu of sharing my to-do list and a friend responded:

“Not sure I completely understand. You write ‘I’d rather talk about the things we’re doing that fuel us and excite us’, and I completely agree with that, but these are also the very things that keep us busy. If I look at a really busy day in our family…I am excited about every single thing on the list: I love working, I love it that my kids are involved in activities that are exciting and stimulating for them, I love being part of that… so, all this busy-ness serves to enrich our lives.”

So, I clarified. What I’m talking about is trading litanies of, “I have this and this to do…” and “well, I have this and this to do…”—essentially trading to-do lists without actually hearing or talking to each other, but just rattling off semi-stressful lists of places we have to be, things we have to remember, and things that are on our minds that we have to do.* Talking about busy plans that we’re excited about and care about and are looking forward to is something totally different than just sharing to-do lists without really listening to each other. It is HOW we talk about/share the busy-ness that makes the difference to me. And, I’m trying very hard to stay mindful of the difference and not share the exhausting list that just adds to the cortisol levels of all around me who are already dealing with their own busy schedules and lives.

—

(*this is a pet peeve about myself that I’m trying to adjust/remember/fix. I occasionally experience it with others in my life too and it bugs me, because it also bugs me in myself. ;-))