What Am I Thankful For?

Nov24

Many people have been participating in the Facebook tradition of posting something they’re thankful for as their status throughout November. A friend of mine collected all of hers into a Thanksgiving blog post, noting that they seem more powerful when all collected into one place. I thought that was a great idea and so I’m following suit! I’ve written recently about how blogging counts as valuable writing and I also think that the seeds of many a good blog post can be found in Facebook statuses and comments. While usually written in a different, very casual manner, I often save things I’ve posted to Facebook to use as “kernels” from which to germinate new blog posts.

So, during November, I have been thankful for:

Bedtime. On a day, “where my kids were manic, wild little beasts and I was a frazzle-haired crabatron.”

a class full of (mostly) interested and engaged students who seem to really be *clicking* with the material. I really got a great group at FLW this session. I’m having lots of fun with them!
safe travels and for Kindle
when I got rear-ended this afternoon, it was just a little bump and nothing more serious!
well water–I always feel confused when people say they “don’t like water” or that they have to force themselves to drink water. Water is my favorite drink! But, then I go somewhere with city water and suddenly I understand!
On the second anniversary of the miscarriage-birth of my tiny son Noah. I’ve been thankful today for Alaina who fills our lives with such joy and I’m thankful that I got to spend his birthday on the “other side” of the pregnancy after loss journey with her, and I’m thankful for Noah and the gifts he brought to our lives–I feel like he made it possible for us to have her and I’m so thankful for that. We remembered him tonight with a candle by his tree and moonlit labyrinth walk while we listened to a special song.
smooth, safe travels and home sweet home.
that I had a flat tire at the geology museum parking lot today rather than at FLW last night! And, I’m thankful for my wonderful husband who dropped everything to come to the rescue (not only did he put on the spare, he traded cars with me so I took the kids home in his car, while he kept mine in town and is going to take it to get a new tire).
the military service of Mark’s late dad, LaRoy, who was disabled in Vietnam. He made many personal sacrifices in his service, but one of the gifts of that service was that Mark’s college education was paid for–meaning our family continues to benefit today by having no student loans. I often feel thankful for LaRoy for that!
an active, engaged online class this session.
quiet time alone to write!(and for a normal nap from baby girl today–I’m also thankful that she remains a precious, good-spirited treasure even on days when she doesn’t nap very well)
my mom, who keeps trekking to the Fort with me each week so that Alaina doesn’t have to be separated. I really appreciate it! (and her only reward, aside from spending time with the greatness that is A and me, is a salad from Panera)
pictures from our family photo shoot today! Feeling thankful for Karen today (see photo below).
my husband, who takes care of so many things each morning that I often overlook or take for granted (maybe because I’m busy still snoozing and snuggling in bed with the baby when he’s getting ready for work!) He takes care of the animals, makes me tea, does the dishes, etc. (Today got all of the towering mounds of recycling packed up to take to the recycling center.)
the past TEN months of baby girlness in our house!
my Kindle. I love being able to carry 600 or so books around with me wherever I go! It is like magic.
that I get to say things in my home like, “Lann! Those birth goddesses aren’t baked! Did you hear me? The goddesses aren’t baked!!” ♥ my boys and my life!
that the busyness of the day involves finally getting to meet an out-of-town friend’s new baby, celebrating a beautiful mama at a blessingway, and teaching a class tonight that I enjoy!
a great class tonight–I have some really fun students!
courageous birthing women, for midwives of all varieties, for magnificent babies, for loving fathers, for dedicated doulas, for committed birth activists, for inspirational childbirth educators, and for the everyday, transformative miracle of birth.

And, heck, I should add that I’m thankful for Facebook, because of how it allows me to maintain connections with friends who have moved away as well as for daily check ins with local friends and with family near and far. Also, for the idea-sharing, thought-provoking discussions, points of connection and inspiration, and being able to reach out to the broad birth activism world and to pregnant mamas through my business pages. That thankfulness makes me remember that I am thankful for this blog as well, which gives me the opportunity and avenue to reach out to touch the lives of many women and people around the world, rather than simply in my own little corner.

Some are mundane and some are more profound and there is some repetition, but all make up the texture of daily life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A lot of my thankfulness reasons all in one place!

Success, Parenting, and Having Each Other’s Backs

Sep14

Sometimes my day is made by receiving an email thanking me for putting into words what the reader has felt, but has not been able to express. These emails/comments make my writing worth it to me—to know that I’ve made a connection across the distance and touched someone else’s life. Likewise, sometimes I can best express what I’ve felt or thought by using the words of another’s writing, that’s why I’m a quotaholic. After a long conversation with good friends on a local homeschool list about peaceful parenting, which sort of evolved into a general discussion of parenting and parenting books and whether there is a right way and whether we really have that much influence over how our kids eventually turn out, I feel drawn to share some quotes from the book Inconsolable by Marrit Ingman. I previously wrote a short post about this book and made a (funny) quiz to go with it: What Kind of Mother Are You Quiz

Inconsolable is a memoir of postpartum depression consisting mostly of semi-humorous vignettes excerpted from the author’s life with her young son (a colicky baby who has severe eczema and food allergies), mixed in with own wry observations about life. In the context of the conversation referenced above, I feel like sharing some quotes from her about parenthood/parenting styles in general and her comments about judging other people for making different parenting choices. As I’ve noted several times before, I struggle with an ongoing sense that I can somehow figure this out once and for all and be PERFECT at last. While I’m improving (! 😉 ), I think my parenting still tends to operate from the assumption that it is possible to be perfect and do everything right.

Here’s a quote I really identified with (minus the Guinness):

There’s a certain type of parent I see often–sometimes see it in myself–who is a success-oriented person from a middle-class background, well-taught (traditionally or through self-education) and accustomed to high praise. We’re used to getting a report card or a performance review every six weeks, we’re current with Big Ideas and prone to Big Discussions over pints of Guinness, and we throw ourselves into parenting with the same right-minded stamina with which we might compare graduate programs and scholarships. We educate ourselves about various theoretical orientations on the topic, read the works of champion scholars…memorize acronyms and slogans, and align ourselves with a ‘good match.’ We study rigorously, and our parenting is like a practicum. We analyze situations and apply theories; we fasten Snappis and gently redirect toddlers with great self-satisfaction, as if we are strutting for a review committee. We meet over coffee with study groups.

This is not necessarily lamentable. It’s good to be well read, to be prepared, to invest oneself in the new role of parent. It’s just not really about the kids is it? It’s about more than just wanting to be good at what you do; it’s about wanting to be the best. We’re parenting careerists. We want to be superstars. We want other people to praise us. We want props for holding off on the antibiotics for that ear infection, delaying solids just a little longer, for buying the organic crib sheets and the shampoo that’s made with kukui nuts harvested by the indigenous people of Brazil and imported by a woman-owned business. We go that one extra mile. We exceed expectations…Is this wrong? Again, not necessarily. It’s not wrong to have ambitions, to dream of home-sewn Halloween costumes (or ones we just “whipped up” because we’re so crafty) and slow food and perfect portraits and cooperative preschool.

But we have to remember that our standards of success, of happiness, of demonstrating our love for our children are inflated. We’ll never meet them. Our reach will always exceed our grasp.

An essay I wrote pondering some similar topics was published in the summer issue of Natural Life magazine. I’ve had a lot of articles published in a lot of different places and this is only the second time that I’ve received several emails from strangers thanking me for the article. I’ve received five emails like this during September, which has really touched my heart! I look forward to taking a look at the issue myself.

Back to Inconsolable regarding her unexpected cesarean:

So that was it. I’d failed. Well, close the book on this one. Nurse Rachet was probably stuffing a Nuk into the kid’s mouth or giving him a Happy Meal. Hooking him up to an IV of Kool-Aid. He’d have to grow up in an iron lung. Maybe the other kids would use him as third base. He’d call me ‘Mother,’ and I’d sign his college tuition checks while he snuggled with a rhesus monkey made of sheepskin.

I literally laughed out loud while reading that one 🙂

And then, finally:

Mothers of the world, we’ve got to have each other’s backs. Without working together, we literally cannot survive. Because we are divided—into ‘working’ and ‘stay-at-home’ parents, into ‘natural’ or ‘attachment parents’ and ‘mainstream’ parents–we remain marginalized as a group. We just haven’t noticed, because we’re too busy shooting each other down, trying to glean little nuggets of self-satisfaction from an enterprise that is still considered less significant than paid work…

Much as I strive to be accepting of everyone and to honor the dignity and worth of each human being (like a good human services pro!) I do see this tendency toward division sometimes sneaking out in myself—either in thought, or conversation, even though my heart truly lies in helping other women. In helping other mothers. This can’t be done through judgement or secret convictions of superiority!

At the end of my own Mindful Mama essay in Natural Life, I write:

Perhaps parenting authentically, from the heart, can’t be learned in a book or through application of a theory, but only
through being there and being aware – of both the beauty and the messiness. Perhaps it means a loosening of attachment to attachment parenting as a prescribed set of practices and beliefs. Perhaps it means being a more loving friend to my own imperfect self.

Sometimes I have more “figured out” than I give myself credit for…

Regarding Balance

Aug18

My friends and I often reference the word “balance” in our conversations, with a popular refrain being, “it all comes back to balance!” I have several books about life balance—my favorite being A Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal and I feel like I continually engage in a dance with balance in my life, coming into various sensations of balance or imbalance throughout my days. I think I make a mistake in thinking that balance is something I will one day “achieve,” rather than dipping in and out of it. I also think that the cry for “balance” can sometimes be a secret code in my brain for, “I will eventually figure everything out and life will be perfect!” So, I appreciate this quote from the book The Mommy Wars, with regard to balance, that eternal question:

“Let me save you some money: In a life with children, balance does not exist. Once you’re a parent, you can figure you’ll be out of whack for the rest of your life…Children are not born to provide balance. children are made to stir us up, to teach us how angry we can get, how scared we can be, how utterly happy, happier than we’d ever imagined was possible, how deeply we can love. Children turn us upside down and inside out; they send us to the depths and heights of ourselves; but they do not balance us. We can’t balance them either, and that’s a good thing, too. They’re finding out how to live in the world, and the most we can do is make them as safe as possible and have a good time with them.”

I have just started teaching (college) again after having a three week break and I’m teaching more classes than I ever have before, not to mention continuing to homeschool my kids and finding scraps of time to work on my own doctoral program. And, Alaina is on the move now—a seven month old baby is quite a lot more work than a younger baby! (Chiefly that she sleeps less and gets into more!) So, I’m in that time of trying to find my footing, my balance, with this new schedule and making sure I…once again…have my priorities in the right order. I have a blog post about “surrender” that I wrote several weeks ago that I keep waiting to post for some reason, as well as some other musings about keeping my blog posts going or not. I think I will keep writing, but I’m going to just post once per week—on Wednesdays probably (though, I may prep extra posts on that day to go out on different days). I also have plans for keeping them short, less navel-gazing, using material I’ve already written, and that sort of thing. While I really enjoy writing blog posts and there is something important—but hard to identify—that I get out of it (I think it is both about telling about it and playing my music), in the scope of my life right now, it really needs to slip to the bottom and possibly off of my radar entirely for a time.

This conviction that something I’m doing needs to change in order to be “balanced” (or perfect, as the case may be!) makes me think the root issue is really about control—control of life’s energy and flow—and reminds me of something else I read recently in Thomas Moore’s book, Original Self:

As a therapist, I often followed a simple rule…I would listen to a man or woman passionately explain what was going on in their lives and what they needed to do. This strong expression of self-understanding and intention told me a great deal about their suffering. I could see where and how they were defending themselves against life…it always seemed fruitful to explore the direction closed off by insistent plans for improving life.

To free our souls, we may have to be loosened by our suffering and our problems. Rather than look for ways to be further in control, we may have to surrender to the vitality that is trying to get some representation. Rather than understand our dreams, we might be understood by them–reimagine our lives through their challenging images. Rather than get life together, we might allow life to have its way with us and get us together in a form that is a surprise. (emphasis mine)

True personal strength is not to be found in an iron will or in superior intelligence. Real strength of character shows itself in a willingness to let life sweep over us and burrow its way into us. Courage appears as we open ourselves to the natural alchemy of personal transformation, not when we close ourselves by making the changes we think are best. (emphasis mine)

In the following section he also says that, “when people say they want to change, I hear a subtle rejection of the person they are…even then, a conscious plan for change usually comes from the same imagination that got us into trouble in the first place. A new project of self-transformation may land us back in the uncomfortable wallowing hole we just left.”

Hmm. Not sure what my conclusion is after all this now…to blog or not to blog. I don’t think that is really the question.

Mother Blessing Quotes

Jul15

For the mother blessing ceremony I wrote about recently, I also went through my birth quotes collection (which is becoming quite extensive!) and picked out some special quotes that reminded me of things I wanted to share with the birthing mama-to-be.

“For each of us as women, there is a deep place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises…Within these deep places, each one holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power, of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling. The woman’s place of power within each of us…it is dark, it is ancient, and it is deep.” –Audre Lorde

While some people have said they don’t like the use of the word “dark” in this quote, I think it is perfect. In the darkness is where wonderful seeds take root and grow.

“It is so easy to close down to risk, to protect ourselves against change and growth. But no baby bird emerges without first destroying the perfect egg sheltering it. We must risk being raw and fresh and awkward. For without such openness, life will not penetrate us anew. Unless we are open, we will not be filled.” –Patricia Monaghan

Since, as I mentioned, this recent ceremony was for a PAL-mama, I included the above quote. While I don’t really like the image of the egg being destroyed (if I relate the quote to birth), I feel like this is a good quote to describe the bravery involved with consciously undertaking the pregnancy after loss journey.

I also included my top two favorite quotes about birth and pain. The first:

“When I say painless, please understand, I don’t mean you will not feel anything. What you will feel is a lot of pressure; you will feel the might of creation move through you. Pain, however, is associated with something gone wrong. Childbirth is a lot of hard work, and the sensations that accompany it are very strong, but there is nothing wrong with labor.” –Giuditta Tornetta

I love the part about the might of creation. How is that for a bold summation of the potency and power of birth. While some people object to the inclusion of the word “painless” in it, to me the takeaway message of the quote is that birth is too big for the word “pain” to adequately contain or describe it. We need more and better language for it! And, that brings me to the second quote:

“So the question remains. Is childbirth painful? Yes. It can be, along with a thousand amazing sensations for which we have yet to find adequate language. Every Birth is different, and every woman’s experience and telling of her story will be unique.” –Marcie Macari

From the same author, two more quotes, this time describing the transformative power of birth:

“Birth is an opportunity to transcend. To rise above what we are accustomed to, reach deeper inside ourselves than we are familiar with, and to see not only what we are truly made of, but the strength we can access in and through Birth.” –Marcie Macari

“A woman in Birth is at once her most powerful, and most vulnerable. But any woman who has birthed unhindered understands that we are stronger than we know.” –Marcie Macari

And, then, a helpful reminder, that birth is our gateway to conscious, active, full-on parenting for the rest of our lives!

“The natural process of birth sets the stage for parenting. Birth and parenting mirror each other. While it takes courage and strength to cope with labor and birth, it also takes courage and strength to parent a child.” –Marcy White

And, finally, I shared the quote that to me was a touchstone describing my feelings about Alaina’s entrance into my world. She did this for me.

“A baby, a baby, she will come to remind us of the sweetness in this world, what ripe, fragile, sturdy beauty exists when you allow yourself the air, the sunshine, the reverence for what nature provides…” – Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser (in Literary Mama)

Speaking of that sweet baby of mine, here she is at my friend’s mother blessing ceremony. I’m so glad she’s here! And, my heart is full for my friend as she is soclose to her own fresh baby girl. I’m glad my daughter is going to grow up within a circle of strong, empowered, healthy women and girls and I love taking her to blessingways with me, knowing that I am socializing her into a model of womanhood and life that values the feminine 🙂 (and, yes, that is a bindi on her forehead).

“You’ll Miss This…”

Jul14

We’ve all seen or heard it happen. A mother voices a complaint about something she is not enjoying about the mothering experience and someone else returns with a comment that disguises itself as “words of wisdom,” but is perhaps actually a thinly veiled criticism of the other mother: “well, you know, they grow so fast and you’ll miss them when they’re older!” I am curious if anyone actually finds this a helpful remark or thinks it is an original sentiment. While probably originally born from good intent, “you’ll miss this” based comments have become trite and cliche. While perhaps voiced in a good-intentioned way and theoretically used to bring perspective, to bring a proper sense of gratitude, and as an honest reminder to count your blessings (which are many and true), I think the shadow side and darker purpose of this “bringing perspective” is to silence, to muffle, to dismiss, to deny, and to shame. How often do we use this phrase against ourselves in exactly this manner? Perhaps we are nursing the baby and longing for it to fall into a deep enough sleep so that we can sneak away and “get things done.” And then, pop! there it is, “You shouldn’t be trying to get up, you’ll miss this when they’re older.”

Well, guess what, there are plenty of things I’m confident I won’t miss when they’re older. I know that I will miss breastfeeding. It is one of the deepest and richest joys of my life. The breastfeeding relationship is an intimate, interdependent, and profound connection that is irreplaceable. However, I also know in my heart that I will never miss having a toddler twiddle, pinch, stretch, and pick at the other nipple while nursing (and, frankly, I seriously doubt that any woman on earth has spent her twilight years wishing someone was stretching her nipple out to superhuman lengths). I’ll miss the sounds of little boys as they spin elaborate imaginary scenarios out in their play. I will not miss having to shout to be heard over this play while trying to carry on a reasonable, adult conversation with my husband. I’ll miss having warm little bodies snuggling with me. I won’t miss having someone sit on my back and chew on my hair while I try to type an article (yes, this has happened more than once!). I could go on, but you get the drift. There are pieces of parenting that are profoundly disagreeable and it is okay to name them, rather than shame yourself or others in the name of imaginary future regret. Additionally, the subtext that women with grown children spend their days pining for earlier years rankles with me. Personally, I really hope my own mother doesn’t waste a lot of her time wishing I was still a baby. I like to think she enjoys my company now!

Children grow and change. It is what they do. And, we want them to, really, and we want to continue to grow and develop ourselves as well, not to remain stagnated in memories of an earlier day or paralyzed by concerns about future regrets. A good friend once said something that has had a profound impact on me: “I parent the child in front of me.” Not the future adult, or, the memory of the baby or the toddler.

Here are some scenarios carrying a genuinely meaningful message: My older son is then three. He takes off his shirt at an event and a playgroup friend with adult children stops and her breath catches a little. She says, “Oh, Molly, make sure you take a picture of that little boy belly.” That night, I make sure to take one. Watching my sons playing in a wading pool one year, my mom says, “just look at the back of his neck and his powerful [tiny, narrow] shoulders.” I take another picture, not just with my camera, but with my heart. I visit my friend with a newborn baby. Even though I have my own treasure of a 5 month old with me, I ask my friend if I can touch the back of her newborn’s head. When I touch him, tears fill my eyes. All of these are genuine expressions of the original heart of the “you’ll miss this” message—pay attention and remember to look. We don’t need a trite platitude that summarily dismisses the potent intensity of mothering small children day to day, we need to see other mothers in the act of remembering. Those moments with our babies and our children that bring a sweet, deep ache to our hearts in the moment, those are our clues that we are savoring and cherishing their lives as they unfold. The tears that may spring unbidden to our eyes in the future when another mother’s child makes us remember this potency of early childhood, the very fact that we look back with such a pang, means that we did a very, very good job with the savoring—if we hadn’t savored, we wouldn’t know how to feel so deeply later.

Here's what I'm savoring 🙂

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.”

–Joyce Maynard

Poem: Woman & Nature

Jun26

Woman and Nature

By Susan Griffin

The earth is my sister;

I love her daily grace,

her silent daring,

and how loved I am

how we admire this strength in each other,

all that we have lost

all that we have lived

all that we know:

we are stunned by this beauty,

and I do not forget;

what she is to me,

what I am to her.

——-

My friends and I had our quarterly women’s retreat today and I used the above poem as our closing reading (I did alter it slightly from the original in the middle). To read it, have each participant read one line and the rest of the group repeat it after her. The italicized section is then read by the group in unison.

I also used the following as our opening reading:

Opening Words/Chalice Lighting

May we be reminded here of our highest aspirations,

and inspired to bring our gifts of love and service to the altar of humanity.

May we know once again that we are not isolated beings

but connected, in mystery and miracle, to the universe,

to this community and to each other.

-Anonymous (Reading #434 in Singing The Living Tradition)

—————–

I like to share these things I’ve collected here as well in case other women are googling for readings for women’s programs, retreats, or mother blessing ceremonies 🙂

Mother Blessing Ceremony

Jan14

Lots of good friend energy!

I keep wanting to post about my mother blessing/blessingway ceremony last week and I can’t quite manage to find the right words. So, I decided to share some pictures mainly and wait to see if more words will come…My mom hosted it at my home and 19 women attended (so, with me, a nice even 20). I don’t think there have ever been so many people in my living room! Early in this pregnancy I said I wanted to have the “biggest blessingway ever!” and it was a big one. A lot of my friends tend towards “small and intimate” for their mother blessings and while I definitely see the value to that too, it was really important to me to see and feel and know how many people in my life care about me and my baby and who have hoped with me and waited with me while I cautiously made my way to this time and this place. My mom said something about there being a lot of people here and I said, “yep, and I like them all!” My life has been touched/enriched by every woman in the room and it was very moving to look around the room and see them all here together. It was a very crying blessingway—they each stated their name and said, “I am here for you, Molly” and I was a wreck! I really felt like it was one of the best days of my life and was just what I needed. I felt so well-cared for and loved and full of emotion. I thank each one of them for being here for me and for loving my baby with me.

Birth altar table with many lovely new additions!

Birth doll adorned with small items from all the guests.

After the ceremony, I set up a different table close to my "birth nest" spot.

I hung these three lovely birth art pieces on the wall right around the corner from my little table. The Willendorf wallhanging is from my friend Trisha, the super cool photo from my friend Karen, and the firey pregnant woman painting from my lovely future sister-in-law, Jenny.

My whole birth art wall/gallery.

I wish I would have taken a picture of all the lovely and tasty food that was there for our feast as well! It was a beautiful, special day and felt like an amazing launching point on my upcoming birthing journey 🙂

Birth Witnesses

Dec30

Birth Witnesses

Guest post by Bonnie Padgett

In this so-called Age of Information, we have iPads and smart phones, mega computers and micro chips, and a world of knowledge at our fingertips. We are not limited by the resources in our community when we can reach out to virtual communities that span the globe with the touch of a button – forums full of ideas, innumerable news sources, websites for all schools of thought and up-to-the-minute research from leading experts in every field.

So why, then, are new and prospective mothers still so naive when it comes to the act of childbirth? Why, despite our best efforts to educate ourselves, are we still in the dark about the whole process until those contractions hit and we begin the journey through labor ourselves? I, myself, was included in this group, although I did everything I could think of to educate myself prior to my daughter’s birth. I read books on what to expect, took classes hosted by my hospital, toured the birthing facility, joined an online forum of moms, and Googled everything I could think of related to pregnancy and birth. I spent months practicing Hypnobabies for a natural birth, discussed my wishes in detail with my doctor, and, after studying ample examples and recommendations, formed a ‘birth preferences’ list for the doctor and hospital. I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want when it came to birth. At the same time, I knew my “plans” would likely not go as expected, but was prepared to make informed choices along the way. I had ideals and contingencies, preferences and plan Bs.

However, when all was said and done, I found myself totally unprepared for the experience of labor itself. I had read about contractions, witnessed videos of women in labor, seen and practiced techniques for comfort and relaxation. None of that prepared me for the anxiety and unknowns that flooded my mind as my body began its natural next steps. I realized just how little I knew about the hours ahead. How uncomfortable I would feel with nurses and midwives going about the “day to day” routines of their jobs, and by doing so how secondary I would feel to the process. How defenseless I would feel to contradict or decline an expected treatment, especially under the medical staff’s disapproving glares, and with no one to support clueless me and my equally unknowing husband. While a doula certainly would have helped in easing my fears and strengthening my resolve, I think my inability to grasp what I was a part of, indeed, the central part of, would have still left me bewildered and terrified in those hours.

After my daughter’s birth, I found myself struggling to comprehend what had just happened to me. Although everyone assured me this was a fairly ‘normal’ labor, I had no point of reference on which to base that comment. I realized the short video clips online and in class captured only key moments in a much longer, more complex and nuanced process. Those huge gaps left in my knowledge of labor are what left me so unprepared to defend myself and my baby against treatments I didn’t want, didn’t need, and had previously decided against but found myself, in the moment, succumbing to. I tried discussing it with my mom, who explained that she’d felt the same way when she had me (her first child). She concluded the only way to truly understand birth was to experience it yourself.

The only way to understand birth is to experience it yourself. The ONLY way? That comment stayed with me, haunted me. I became a doula after my daughter’s birth because I wanted to be able to provide women with support and knowledge that could give them a different experience, a better memory than what I had. I just couldn’t believe that there wasn’t a way to understand birth at all except to experience it firsthand. Certainly there wasn’t always this fear and unknown around birth that we each face today. Not always. I began studying that idea. What about other cultures? What about our culture, historically? What about The Farm? There wasn’t always this myth and mystery about birth! I realized there was a time (and in places, there still is) when women banded together for births. Mothers, sisters, cousins, daughters, aunts, friends. They came together and comforted, guided, soothed, coached, and held the space for one another during birth. These women didn’t go in it alone – they were surrounded by women who had birthed before them. Women who knew what looked and felt right, and what didn’t. Women who could empathize with them and empower them. In addition to that, girls and women were raised in a culture of attending births. Daughters watched mothers, sisters and aunts labor their babies into this world. They saw, heard, and supported these women for the long hours of labor, so when they became mothers themselves, the experience was a new, but very familiar one for them. Birth wasn’t a secretive ritual practiced behind the cold, business-like doors of a hospital. It was a time for bonding, learning, sharing and sisterhood. Girls learned how women become mothers, and mothers helped their sisters bring forth life. It was a sacred and special part of the birthing process that has become lost in our institutionalized, over-medicalized, isolating and impersonalized system today.

While I certainly don’t expect us to throw our entire system out the window in favor of simpler times, I think the rush to technology and medical advances certainly left some essential elements of birth in its wake. Elements such as women supporting women. Listening to one’s body. Intervening only when necessary instead of as a matter of protocol. And perhaps, most importantly for us all, the community aspect of birth. This has lead me to believe that in order to truly educate ourselves about birth, to improve the way we birth, and the way we prepare for birth and prepare our sisters and daughters for birth is that we need to provide the women we love (especially those of childbearing years) the opportunity to witness and participate in our births, because only when you are present for a labor and birth can you begin to fathom the process, the emotions, the physiological changes that one goes through. If we can allow women the chance to witness and share in our births – the way it was done historically – and how it is done now at sacred places such as The Farm – we can give them a chance to prepare for birth in a way we were never able to. They can see firsthand the role of a midwife or doctor (and the roles those care providers don’t play). They can observe the benefits of a doula, they can have the opportunity to doula themselves – caring for and soothing a woman in labor. They can observe the power of changing positions, the instinctual side of birth that leads each woman to listen to her inner voice to bring forth her child. They can witness the time, energy and atmosphere it takes to birth a baby. I truly wish that more women were invited into the birthing setting by close family or friends so they could witness normal birth and understand it as best they could before they do it themselves. This is one of the keys, to me, to normalizing birth for every woman.

As a ‘birth survivor’ myself, I understand the trepidation some women feel at including more people in this personal and – unfortunately for some – traumatizing event, and I respect that, but I would like to offer a few thoughts about opening your birth to ‘birth witnesses’. First of all, my initial reaction to the way my daughter was birthed was “that was not how it was supposed to be!” followed shortly by “I don’t want anyone I know to have to suffer through that humiliation, degradation and pain!” Those sentiments led me down the path of trying to discover a way to share with the women I love what childbirth could be, and what it should not be. My best answer is to let them witness a birth experience and let them form their own opinions about what works for them and what won’t, so that they can be better equipped going into the experience themselves – empowerment!

My second thought for you is to think of those women you would want to share this experience with – do you have a younger sister? A daughter, niece, or friend who may one day become a mother? Don’t you want to offer them the best opportunity for a great birthing experience? Think of the presence they will bring to your birth, in turn. These are women whom you love the most in the world. They are going to be calming, happy, supportive presences in your birthing place (and if they’re not, I recommend they not attend). These women want to see you succeed. They want what is best for you and your baby. They are going to know you better than any doctor or midwife or doula, making them naturally better able to comfort you and support you. Their love and warmth will be a welcome and helpful addition to your birth, as well as an educational experience for them. And, if you, like me, were scarred or traumatized by your first birth, that type of love and unconditional support might be just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

Like all things in this life, I don’t believe there is a universal approach to anything. I don’t think that inviting birth witnesses into one’s labor is right or necessary for everyone, nor do I think that every woman must witness a birth to be adequately prepared. For most women in our country today, though, I think there are many benefits – to the laboring mom and to her support team. If you do want to invite birth witnesses into your experience, I recommend you consider the following as you prepare for your birth:

Think about where you are birthing and how many people are able to attend. Many hospitals have limits on the number of people who can join a woman in a delivery room, but you may be able to rotate some of them in and out, giving a few women a chance to participate. Some birthing centers are more flexible, especially if you explain your intents, and your home of course is the an ideal option for including birth witnesses.
Think about who will best help you as well as who most will benefit from the experience. This is YOUR birth after all. Your needs must still come first. If there is someone whose presence may cause friction or tension, you may not want to include them. Birthing mothers need calm and relaxation.
Consider inviting witnesses no matter if you’re planning on a natural birth, an epidural, induction, or other intervention. There is something to be learned from every birth experience, so don’t discount your ability to help because of the way you choose to birth. It is the physical presence at a birth that offers more to women than the type of birth. They will form their own opinions about what they are comfortable with while watching and learning from you.
Talk to your witnesses beforehand. Let them know you’d like them at your birth and why. The idea of being present with birthing women has become a strange one for many people since it has fallen out of vogue, and explaining that they can help you by being present, and that you’d love for them to be there to witness your birth may warm them up to the idea.
Consider hiring a doula. The doula can become a support for you, your partner and your other attendants, offering explanations and information, ideas for support, and helping to control the atmosphere and activity in the room so that it is ideal for your birth.

In the end, do what is best for you and your family. Remember, the point of including birthing witnesses in the experience is to help you and to help someone else. Even if you invite just one friend, a sister, or a niece to join you, you are helping to transform that woman’s view of childbirth and offer her an experience and education that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. If we all became birth mentors for just one woman, think of the tremendous change we could affect for the next generation of birthing women.

Bonnie Padgett is a proud mother and wife, and an active member of the birthing community in Atlanta. Bonnie is the owner of La Bonne Mama, which offers labor doula services, childbirth and newborn care education, birth art and placenta encapsulation services. For her next birth she is planning a homebirth and her sister, sister-in-law, and niece will be invited to share in the experience. You can visit her online at www.labonnemama.com, or www.facebook.com/labonnemama.

Pictures & Doulas

Dec10

I am buzzing with topics to write about, but this week is finals week and I have been really busy with grading papers, tests, and dealing with last minute student issues and requests and blogging keeps slipping down in my possible options for the day. I also have two more giveaways to set up! So, I thought I would share some more pictures from my recent photo session. You may also notice that I have a fabulous new header for my website 🙂

And, here is the one I chose to use on my Talk Birth Facebook page:

I’m pleased as can be with them 🙂

Today I had a visit with my doula for this birth. I am completely confident in my birthgiving abilities and prefer to be nearly alone while birthing my babies (husband only), but I do also feel a deep need for immediate postpartum support. I am very capable at birthing my babies, but afterwards I am wiped out. Indescribably so, really. I’ve toyed with thinking that maybe this is an issue I can “get over” and I could take a mind over matter approach to dealing with, or, is planning for the wipe out I’ve experienced three times before just good, practical, realistic sense? So, my plan with her is for just that—for her to arrive shortly after I’ve had the baby and to quietly walk around in the background washing the bloody towels. This sounds like a good plan to me 🙂 I also have “blood” issues that I’ve touched on before and so I made a “don’t look down” plan for post-birth trips to the bathroom. With each baby, when I go to use the bathroom, I look down to wipe/clean up and then become woozy/light-headed/ringing in my ears/can’t see any more and start to “go under” (though I’ve never actually fainted in my life). But, then when I get back to my “nest,” I feel okay again. (Same thing happens if I get my blood drawn or get an IV, so it doesn’t seem to literally be related to blood loss, but to a mental issue with seeing blood.) So, this time I’m going to make a plan not to look down! It felt really, really nice to have someone paying exclusive attention to me, my baby, and my birth plans—the focused, concentrated time that is hard to find space for in the midst of other kids and responsibilities.

Tomorrow I am going to a mother blessing ceremony for a friend. I’m looking forward to it—they are always special!

Pregnant Friends

Dec4

Yesterday, I went with my mom and two friends to visit another friend who welcomed her second baby boy into the world in late October. None of us had been to see her since her Mother Blessing ceremony and it was very good to see her baby, to catch up, and to listen to her story. We also brought some food, even though it probably would have been more useful in Nov. rather than Dec.! (Who am I kidding though, don’t all mothers of small children still need postpartum doula and meal assistance even if they’re three YEARS postpartum rather than 6 weeks?! Speaking of which, make sure to read my friend Summer’s recent post on the value of postpartum support.) Anyway, my two friends are pregnant also and so we couldn’t resist the opportunity for some group belly pictures 🙂 My friend S on the left is due in April and then my friend L on the right is due 2 weeks before me (and I’m 33 weeks today!)

Then, of course we had to lift up the shirts for a real belly view 🙂

And, then we bumped bumps 🙂

Speaking of pictures, today I had an official maternity photo shoot with another friend. She took TONS of pictures and I’m really excited to see the finished results! We have family pix, couple pictures, and then me alone as well. It took several hours and we didn’t even take all the pictures we planned for. So, stay tuned for those pictures—they should keep me in posts for quite some time to come!