The Pregnant “Glow”

May16

Earlier this year I read the book A Dozen Invisible Pieces by a childbirth educator and mother of three. In it, she explains “the glow” that pregnant women have and I really liked her description:

[during all her pregnancies] I felt a special sense of energy exuding from within me…That energy, I believe, is what makes pregnant women so magnetic to those around them. It is what encourages the unsolicited comment and pearls of wisdom that acquaintances and strangers pawn off on pregnant women. It is what elicits a sense of awe from others who have yet to experiences pregnancy either themselves or with a life partner.

This alluring force is what prompts someone to place their uninvited hand on a pregnant woman’s rapidly expanding belly. Why do some people feel comfortable, and perfectly within their right, to reach out and touch, pat, or rub a pregnant woman’s abdomen? I believe it is because on a basic, evolutionary level, they yearn to absorb, or at least connect with, some of that mystical pregnant energy.

I think this explains it! I felt really “magic” when I was pregnant. It is one of the things that is so special about being pregnant–that feeling of being magic. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with my second, I told some of my friends at playgroup (who were saying, “this is probably the last time we’ll see you pregnant!”) that I wasn’t quite ready to be done feeling magic yet! I think the “glow” comes from that inner sense of magic.

Personality and Birth

May6

From Sheila Kitzinger’s book The Experience of Childbirth:

In a normal, straightforward labour a woman’s attitude of mind, her approach to the task that awaits her, and her preconceptions concerning the nature of the work that her body has to do, are more important than any sort of physical preparation she can make in advance. Whatever athletic exercises she may essay, however controlled her breathing, however complete her muscular relaxation, in the last resort the thing that matters most is essentially the kind of woman she is, and the sort of personality she has [emphasis mine]. That is why preparation for labour cannot rest in purely physical training and in mechanical techniques of control and release alone. Controlled muscular activity can assist her in making of her labour something she creates, rather than something she passively suffers, but her capacity for achieving this physical coordination is dependent upon her mind–upon her fearlessness and sense of security, her intelligence, her joy in the baby’s coming, her courage, her self-confidence, and the understanding she has of herself. The experience she has of childbirth is a function of her whole personality and ideally the preparation should involve increased self-knowledge and a growing towards maturity.

While there is a certain element of “blame the victim” in this quote that I find distasteful (i.e. “she had XYZ intervention, must be her bad personality…”), I recognize something here that speaks to me. I have observed in some of my clients a certain “quality” of personality (or perhaps determination) that makes me feel secure that they will be fine with or without me–they have something that comes from within that will guide them through birth. There are others who are more ambivilant, who say they want to “try” natural birth. Sometimes they blossom into confidence as the classes proceed, sometimes nothing really changes. I do not really take responsibility for any birth outcome, because birth classes are just a piece of a much more multifaceted puzzle of a woman’s experience. However, I feel like you can see that some women just “have it in them” and in others, that “it” has to be nurtured and grown. I’m not sure exactly what this “it” is, which is why Kitzinger’s quote caught my attention.

Birth Affirmations for Fathers

Apr28

In my classes, I suggest the use of affirmations. Affirmations are short, positive statements that inspire confidence and positive feelings. I have a handout that is printed on the front side with affirmations for mothers to read to themselves and the reverse has the same affirmations worded in such a way that they can be easily read to the woman.

The book Mind over Labor by Carl Jones, there are some affirmations listed specifically for fathers:

I am able to make the best possible choices for a healthy, joyful birth.
I see my partner as a strong and capable woman.
I am able to support my partner during pregnancy and birth.
We are working harmoniously together. We are grateful for this powerful experience.
The power of birth strengthens me, my child, and my partner.

For women he shares the following ideas for affirmations, some of which are really nice and I should add to my handout above!

Childbirth is a normal, healthy event.
My body is my friend.
I trust my body to labor smoothly and effectively.
I am able to birth in harmony with nature, in the best possible way for myself and my baby.
My baby and I are working harmoniously together. We are grateful for this powerful experience.
The strength of my contractions is an expression of my feminine power.
I fully feel the force of new life within me.
I allow myself to celebrate the birth of my child with every sensation I feel.
I am giving our baby the very best start in life.

Just Relax?

Apr17

Most approaches to birth preparation emphasize “relaxation” and being able to “relax” during contractions. Some people have noted that the word “relax” isn’t very descriptive to women in labor–or, it can irritate them (“Just relax?!”) while at the same time not really giving them anything specific to work with. I recently finished a really incredible book called Birthwork (more about this will follow in several more posts!) and it addresses this topic as follows:

…it can be disconcerting for a mother to be told to ‘just let go and relax’ during labour without some practical guidance on how to do this or without first acknowledging how tough it is, or how stuck or frustrated the mother may feel. Perhaps a more helpful response might be:

–‘Let’s find a way to open more.’

–‘How can I help you to let go?’

–‘Try softening here.’

–‘Sometimes this works really well. Would you like to try it?’

I particularly like the “soften here” idea. It reminds me of something else I read in The Pink Kit, which was about “directed breathing.” The idea with directed breathing is that you can direct your breath into any specific area of your body–when helping a woman in labor, you might put your hand on her lower back and ask her to “breathe into my hand.” When you practice this at home, it is fascinating to me how you actually have a sensation of “breathing” in your back, or thigh, or shoulder, or wherever–sort of a subtle feeling of expansion.

Non-verbal Communication

Apr13

Birthing women tend to enter “birth brain” while focusing during labor–this is a more primal, instinctive, intuitive, primitive part of their brain and it tends to be fairly nonverbal. I often remind fathers-to-be in my classes not to ask their partners too many questions while they focus on birthing, because questions pull women out of “birth brain” and into the more analytical, rational side of the brain that we use in day-to-day life (this “thinking” brain is not as useful during labor!) Instead, I encourage birth partners to just “do” and then pay attention to the woman’s nonverbal cues (or short, verbal cues) about whether to keep it up–an example I often use is with giving her a drink of water or juice. Instead of asking, “do you want another drink?” Just hold the straw up to her lips! If she is thirsty, she will drink, and if she is not she won’t. No words need to be exchanged. Other reactions might be that she might push the drink away, say “no,” or shake her head.

As I referenced in a prior post, I recently finished reading through The Pink Kit. It has some more related thoughts to add:

Childbirth is such intense work that sometimes a woman just can’t get a full sentence (or even a short one) out of her mouth. You can’t read her mind. However, it’s not too difficult to read her body language…During labour, it will be easier for her to push your hand away, say ‘shhhh,’ grab you and hold on, or put your hand on some part of her body, than to talk. Often a woman can THINK something so loudly, she’s certain she’s said it aloud.”

Pain, Power, & Accomplishment

Mar21

I love this section from Giving Birth with Confidence (Lamaze). It explores the role of pain in labor and its relationship to personal power and accomplishment:

The pain of labor, like most pain, is protective. Responding to pain with movement, including walking, rocking, and position changes, not only helps the baby rotate and descend through the pelvis, but also protects a woman’s body during the process. As the cervix stretches and dilates, oxytocin levels increase, and contractions strengthen and become more effective. As pain increases, endorphins are released that help women cope with the demands of the stronger contraction and the descent of the baby. Actively responding to the pain..then not only promotes comfort but promotes the progress of labor…Because the pain of labor is not associated with trauma, but is a part of a normal, physiologic process, it is sometimes compared to the pain associated with other challenging physical activities. Those who push themselves to climb the last hill, cross the finish line, or conquer a challenging dance routine often report feelings of euphoria and increased self-esteem. Researchers have found that women who experience natural birth often describe similar feelings of exaltation and increased self-esteem. These feelings of accomplishment, confidence, and strength have the potential to transform women’s lives. In many cultures, the runner who completes a long race is admired, but it is not acknowledged that laboring women may experience the same life-altering feelings. [Birth classes] help each woman find ways to meet the challenges of birth confidently and purposefully, and to discover her strength in birth.

The above explains very well why it is that I do what I do–I want each woman to have the chance to experience that transforming power, that sense of personal accomplishment, the increased self-esteem, and the euphoria of knowing “I did it!” I climbed my mountain, I ran my marathon…I gave birth to MY BABY!

Another Healthy Mother/Healthy Baby Quote

Mar12

Since my previous post just touched on this issue, I wanted to share another quote. This one is from the Winter 2008 issue of Midwifery Today in an article titled From the Homefront to the Frontlines:

“Although the popularly desired outcome is ‘Healthy mother, healthy baby,’ I think there is room in that equation for ‘Happy, non-traumatized, empowered and elated mother and baby.'”

I completely agree!

Fears About Birth and Losing Control

Mar4

A topic that frequently arises in birth classes is about the fear of “losing control” in labor. Losing control, “losing it,” or “freaking out” are concerns expressed by women preparing to give birth. It is important to acknowledge that this is a common fear. I also like to ask parents to think about what “freaking out” or “losing it” would mean to them? I ask them to consider what benefits there may be to losing control. I also say, “What if you do freak out? Maybe, so what?! Maybe it is okay. Maybe it is good. Maybe it is helpful.” (This doesn’t come across in print quite the way it does in real life!) Surrendering to the flow and power of birthing can be of tremendous benefit. Losing it can mean letting go and letting the power BE. Letting the energy be. Letting birth carry you with it, instead of wrestling for control of it. (When discussing this topic, it is important to remain mindful that for mothers-to-be who are survivors of abuse, language about “surrender” and “letting go” can be very threatening and unhelpful.)

Thinking about “losing control” makes me think about the things that you can have over control of when it comes to your birth experience (I’ve also been reading The Big Book of Birth and it addresses this):

1. You can control who who choose as your doctor or midwife (and can choose to switch at any point in pregnancy if the match is not a good one).

2. You can control where you give birth.

3. You can control who you ask to attend your birth as support–your partner, your best friend, your mother, your sister, a doula. (Anyone who attends should be there for YOU, not because they want to “see a birth” or because you feel obligated to have them.)

4. You can control how you prepare yourself for birth and the education you seek to help you explore your options.

5. You can control the type of books you read and the information you seek about birth.

6. You can control how you care for yourself during pregnancy.

7. If you are having your baby in the hospital, you can control when you go to the hospital.

Hypnobabies rephrases the usual concept of “transition” in labor as “transformation.” This is the time in labor in which many women fear “losing control.” Women may also pass through another transformation point as they move from early labor into active labor–this is sort of a “moment of reckoning” in which it becomes clear that it is really time to DO this! Erica Lyon, who wrote The Big Book of Birth referenced above, addressed this subject really well:

“…as a mother shifts from early labor to active labor, she begins to have an awareness that the labor is getting bigger, strong, more powerful. This often translates into a feeling or idea that you are going to ‘lose it’ or ‘lose control.’ This is a temporary, transient feeling that tells you labor is progressing. It does not mean you will go running naked and screaming down the hallway of your birth facility. What is really happening is a momentary emotional state that reflects your ‘social self’ beginning to fold inward. Labor is not a rational process, it is a body function that is experienced as a gradually intensifying event. You do not think your way through it. You do it. “

Essentially, this is a point in labor when you stop fighting with the “birth power” and begin to BE it. The process of birthing becomes your entire focus. I remind and encourage people to welcome the increasing intensity of labor–and suggest taking a “make it bigger!” approach to greeting and welcoming contractions, rather than trying to avoid or minimize them.

Pam England from Birthing From Within also has a great article about “Losing It” in labor.

Other posts about fear and birth:

Birth Fear
Fear & Birth
Fathers, Fear, and Birth
Fear-Tension-Pain or Excitement-Power-Progress?
Cesarean Birth in a Culture of Fear Handout
Worry is the Work of Pregnancy
Fear Release for Birth
What If…She’s Stronger than She Knows…

Breaking through…

Dec8

From the book Joyful Birth, I wanted to share this quote:

“The memory of [my son’s] birth has become a talisman that I hold in my heart as I journey deeper and deeper into motherhood. For these moment’s come again in every mother’s life–the times when we are asked to walk straight into our pain and fear, and in doing so, open up to a love that is greater than anything we ever could have imagined: all life’s beauty and wonder, as well as all the ways that things can break and go wrong…Again and again, motherhood demands that we break through our limitations, that we split our hearts open to make room for something that may be more than we thought we could bear. In that sense, the labor with which we give birth is simply a rehearsal for something we mothers must do over and over: turn ourselves inside out, and then let go.”

Mindful Mama Essay

Nov10

I entered an essay contest from Mindful Mama magazine and I found out this weekend that my essay is one of the finalists. Here is the direct link to my essay (Pain & Presence in Parenting).

The other entries are here.

Edited to add that the contest is over now and my essay was one of the runner ups and won a prize. So, that was fun. I’ve never entered a contest like that before.