Rites of Passage… Celebrating Real Women’s Wisdom

May30

“Woman-to-woman help through the rites of passage that are important in every birth has significance not only for the individuals directly bellypictureinvolved, but for the whole community. The task in which the women are engaged is political. It forms the warp and weft of society.” –Sheila Kitzinger (Rediscovering Birth)

“I love and respect birth. The body is a temple, it creates its own rites, its own prayers…all we must do is listen. With the labor and birth of my daughter I went so deep down, so far into the underworld that I had to crawl my way out. I did this only by surrendering. I did this by trusting the goddess in my bones. She moved through me and has left her power in me.” ~Lea B., Fairfax, CA via Mama Birth)

Summary of Article: How do today’s women prepare for major life changes such as becoming a mother? Have our once meaningful rites of passage been trivialised, and if so at what cost? Kat Skarbek looks at ways to reclaim what we have lost.

Permission is given to publish this story on the web (thanks to Women’s Mysteries Teacher Circle e-journal).

Without wishing to appear overly dramatic, I think that our society may be in danger of becoming devoid of any important spiritually nourishing rites of passage. Women no longer seem to know how to celebrate important transitions. We have fallen into the horrible habit of treating life-changing events in trite and meaningless ways and as a result, we are cheating ourselves out of the powerful positive effects that these rites of passage can bring us.

For women, menstruation, puberty, marriage, pregnancy & birth, menopause, death – even divorce and separation, all need to be properly acknowledged when passing through these stages of life. Instead we either ignore them completely as in the case of puberty, first menses and divorce, which sends the message that they are both shameful and unworthy of celebration. Or we use the opportunity to get drunk, act like strippers and carry out questionable tasks which would make a sober person question why she would want to get married in the first place – as on your average hen night. At a friend’s baby shower recently I watched with sinking heart as one of the most important events in a woman’s life was celebrated with games involving stealing pegs from other women’s clothing the minute they unconsciously crossed their legs, guessing the baby’s weight and answering questions such as did she have ‘an inney or an outey’ bellybutton? How, I found myself asking, does this in any way prepare a woman to deal with the rigours of labour and birthing and the demands of the first year of motherhood? Why are we so seemingly unaware that our accepted celebrations offer absolutely nothing to women except a bunch of baby clothes? At standard baby showers there is no molly5wisdom shared, no loving support offered and no nourishment given (unless you count cupcakes!).

How did it come to this?

What happened to our once vital and spiritually awakening rites of passage? The easy (and heavily feminist) answer is 500 years or more of patriarchy. Prior to this and from the earliest records of society, it has been apparent that there were very well observed, meaningful and symbolic rituals to mark just about any occasion. Rituals existed for everything from simple agricultural celebrations of the changing seasons and giving thanks for food and supplies, to complex marriage and birthing rituals that eased newlyweds into their new roles and prepared the way for women to birth with dignity and power. Women in particular carried enormous wisdom about the cyclical nature of life and shared nourishing rites of passage, which enabled them to marry in confidence and with awareness, birth without fear and to die with dignity and grace. Once patriarchy became established it began the systematic erasure (or appropriation) of many of these important rites and in particular it diminished the roles and experiences of women so that they went from being important and respected members of their communities, with power over land, name and children to women whose only role was to birth heirs and to be subservient to their men. Even in today’s changing society the roles of ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ are still considered less important than the roles of ‘career woman’ and ‘breadwinner’. We have higher rates of divorce, higher rates of birth intervention and subsequent post-natal depression and more difficult menopauses now than women experienced 50 years ago. I believe that this is directly linked to the fact that we are now expected to just ‘get on with it’ and disappear into these changes without the proper observances being made. I’m not suggesting that women to disappear into mud huts every time they bleed or to give birth in fields as we did in the tribal days, but I do think that we need to pay more attention to our needs at these powerful times of change. Menstruation is not a curse, it’s a promise of our life-giving ability to come. Menopause is not a loss of youth and sex appeal, it’s a vital gateway to the enormous power of our wisdom years. And pregnancy, birth and marriage are life-changing experiences that need to be embraced and celebrated with something more nourishing than ‘Mr December’ and his overstuffed banana hammock.

A graceful acceptance of our changing roles and an awareness of the power that these changes bring, gives us huge personal freedom. Freedom from the current obsession with youth and aging, freedom to explore our new shapes, our new lives and the possibilities they hold. Isn’t that worth exploring?

Reclaiming simple rites of passage

So how can today’s modern goddesses, and in particular mammas-to-be, prepare themselves for life’s many transitions? A good starting point is to create your own rite of passage for whatever transition you may be going through. Pregnant women could change their planned baby shower to a Mother Shower (also known as a Blessingway). Mother Showers celebrate and nurture the mother rather than focusing exclusively on the child and are a growing trend amongst women. They offer pregnant women a chance to honour their pregnancy journey, to enjoy symbolic rituals of preparation for the labour and birthing ahead and indulge in an afternoon of loving, nourishing attention from their closest friends and family. And yes, there are still cupcakes! During one of these afternoons a pregnant woman can expect to be waited on hand and foot – often quite literally. Celebrations often include some kind of pampering for the mamma-to-be such as a foot and hand massage with beautiful, pregnancy-safe essential oils. She might choose to have her belly, hands or feet hennaed as a recognition of her changing status. She might enjoy creating a beautiful ‘labour necklace’ created out of beads gifted by each woman present and blessed with all of their best wishes for a wonderful birth. These necklaces can be used as a powerful focusing tool during the darkest hours of her labour and can become a beautiful heirloom that gets passed on from mother to daughter, or even from woman to woman within her community, with each subsequent pregnancy adding more beads to the necklace.

What you can do

There are a number of meaningful activities that you could include in your celebration. You could even combine elements of a traditional baby shower with elements from a mother shower by adding in any of the following:

  • A Fear Releasing Ceremony. Writing down your fears on a piece of paper and ritually burning them can help you rid your unconscious IMG_0821mind of any impediments to an easy and positive birth.
  • Belly Casting. Creating and painting a belly cast (a 3D plaster cast of the beautiful pregnant belly) can be a wonderful meditative tool to connect you more consciously with your body and your baby.
  • Guided Meditation or Visualisations. If there is a group of you, each woman can place a loving hand on the mamma-to-be, while another guides her into a place of deep relaxation where she can communicate with her unborn child or any guides or angels she feels drawn to, in order to receive information or just reassurance.
  • Plant a Tree. Buy a beautiful fruit tree to plant in honour of your newborn. You can tie birth blessings and wishes to its branches until after the baby is born.
  • Give gifts to nurture the mind, body or soul of the mamma-to-be. Most women won’t get the opportunity to enjoy a spot of luxury once the baby is born, so instead of yet more baby clothes why not spoil the mamma with something indulgent such as a pregnancy massage, a hair appointment, a manicure or pedicure or simply some beautiful skin cream to minimise stretchmarks? You can even buy her a gift for after the birth such as a post- natal spa voucher, to give her some ‘me’ time to look forward to when she needs it most.
  • Share Birthing Stories (no horror stories please!). Poetry, singing or chanting can also be a very uplifting way of connecting with your wise inner goddess.
  • Create a Phone-Tree. When labour is established, each woman is called and lights a candle for the birthing mamma to re-create the loving circle of support present on the day and send her thoughts of courage and strength.
  • Provide Nourishing Food and Drink. Each woman present can contribute a meal to be frozen for after the birth.
  • Pledge an Act of Support for after the Birth. Each woman offers one tangible act of support for after the birth when the mother and child are getting to know one another. It can be something simple like providing a home cooked meal, offering to take care of an older child for an afternoon so that the mamma can get some rest, taking the dog for a walk or taking the newborn off her hands so the she can have a recuperative bath.
  • The Baby Moon (or a month of ‘lying in’ with the newborn) is still observed in many cultures and offers a chance for the infant and mother to really bond and get to know one another without the usual worries about cooking, cleaning and taking care of other children. I think it would be very beneficial to women to reclaim this particular tradition.

Finding our way back home.

On the day that a baby is born, so too is a mother. Without properly acknowledging our changing lives in these beautiful and memorable ways, we go into motherhood unprepared for the challenges it may bring. No amount of reading can bring you the kind of self-knowledge needed to be a good mother. No amount of beautiful nursery furniture can enable you to trust in your mothering instincts when you are frightened of making a mistake with your precious little bundle. These things all take time. Reclaiming our rites of passage, no matter in how small a way, can help restore to women something vital for their spiritual and emotional wellbeing. And if you are worried that it might be boring or heavy, you needn’t. Celebrations are just that, a joyous coming together of loved ones to honour something wonderful. Keep that in mind and enjoy the many wonderful ways of celebrating this amazing and challenging time in a woman’s life. Choose the things that work for you, that you will enjoy and that will really give you the space to recognise the momentous changes that are happening and offer you some genuine support and acknowledgement of this special time.

More information about alternative pregnancy celebrations can be found in books such as Mother Rising by Yana Cortlund, Barb Lucke and Donna Miller Watelet (OK) and Blessingways, A Guide to Mother-Centred Baby Showers by Shari Maser (OK).
If published on the web please include the following contact details: Website: www.thedivinefeminine.com.au Email: info@thedivinefeminine.com.au Phone: 0439 636 958

Kat Skarbek
www.thedivinefeminine.com.au
About Kat Skarbek…
Kat Skarbek is a writer, presenter of the Shamballa Spirit Show on 3MDR 97.1FM and the Head Honcho of The Divine Feminine (www.thedivinefeminine.com.au) which specialises in creating unique and spiritually nourishing transitional celebrations and events for women. These include alternative Hen Nights and Mother Showers for pregnant women. She is a proud survivor of the first two years of motherhood and a visit from the PND Fairy.
Phone: 0439 636 958
Email: info@thedivinefeminine.com.au

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Previous posts about rites of passage and women’s mysteries:

Rites of Passage Resources for Daughters & Sons

Birth as a Rite of Passage & ‘Digging Deeper’

Blessingways and the role of ritual

Blessingways / Women’s Programs

Red Tent Resources

 

Tuesday Tidbits: Speaking Birth

May28

Someone came to my site recently by searching for: “how to speak birth.” What do you think? How do you “speak birth” in a way that reaches women?

I asked this question on my Facebook page last week and got several responses:

  • With our stories.
  • Every woman is different. You listen to her. Then you respond
  • Speak it forward. Speak everything forward.
  • I speak birth from an awareness stand point, in a non biased stance and of course judgment free and I do A LOT of listening first.

This question also made me think of some of my own past writing about the language of birth and why it is that how we speak birth matters:

Birth Talk

Health Care or Medical Care?

Maternal-Fetal Conflict?

Pain with a Purpose?

Perceptions of Pain

Words for Pain

Consumer Blame

Cut here?? What not to say to pregnant or laboring women…

I also re-read one of my own articles as I worked on a lesson for one of my classes:

“…I also think, though I could be wrong, that it is possible to plan and facilitate women’s rituals that speak to the “womanspirit” in all of us and do not require a specifically shared spiritual framework or belief system in order to gain something special from the connection with other women…”

After sharing the link on Facebook, I got a lovely comment from a midwife sharing that she shares my handouts with her clients in Trinidad and Tobega and I was humbled at how my “talking birth” in this form reaches out across the ocean and around the world. This is why I keep writing, even when I get discouraged and feel like it is an “indulgence” of some kind to write and blog.

While not about birth, but still related to the  overall theme—perhaps how we speak sisterhood—one of my Facebook friends validated my stressed and overwhelmed experiences/feelings of the past month with an “of course” response and I really appreciated it!

“Through the act of controlling birth, we disassociate ourselves with its raw power. Disassociation makes it easier to identify with our ‘civilized’ nature, deny our ‘savage’ roots and connection with indigenous cultures. Birth simultaneously encompasses the three events that civilized societies fear–birth, death, and sexuality.” –Holly Richards

via The Of COURSE response… | Talk Birth.

talkbirth

Everything Banana Bread Recipe

May23

3/4 c. sugar May 2013 001
1 1/2 c. mashed banana (or combination of banana and applesauce, or even just applesauce!)
3/4 c. melted coconut oil (or vegetable oil)
2 eggs
2 c. flour (I use one cup wheat, one 1/2 cup white, and one 1/2 c. a mix of oats, bran, wheat germ, flax seeds, chia seeds, or whatever other good things I’d like to put in to make this a truly “everything” bread)
2 ts vanilla (I use the homemade extract I made last year!)
1 ts baking soda
1/2 ts salt

Optional, but highly recommended: pecans/walnuts and chocolate chips!

Mash bananas and mix in all ingredients except nuts and chocolate chips. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts. Bake in a greased cake May 2013 002pan, two loaf pans, or muffin cups at 350 for approximately 30 minutes (less for muffins, more for loaf pans).

I strongly recommend this recipe for postpartum mamas! Either make and freeze in advance yourself, OR make a batch and bring it to a postpartum mama to have on hand for a nutrient dense, tasty, pick me up, any time during the day. When I was postpartum, I loved having things on hand to eat for snacks, rather than only specific meals. Getting enough to eat postpartum is a perpetual issue for me and this “everything” bread solves the issue nicely 🙂 It took me an excessively long time to realize that you can make any quick bread recipe in a cake pan rather than loaf pans—it bakes more quickly and it cuts up into nice little squares for potlucks or for postpartum snacking, rather than trying to dig something out of a loaf pan and hack it into slices (for a potluck, this tip makes the bread go literally twice as far!).

Here are lots more Postpartum Survival Tips!

May 2013 003May 2013 005

Tuesday Tidbits: Postpartum Mothering

May21

Some honest, nitty-gritty, lovely, and poignant looks at motherhood today…

Beautiful print of a babyloss mandala by Amy Swagman. My mom surprised me with this for my birthday after thoughtfully contributing to our Amethyst Network fundraiser and receiving the print as a premium.

Beautiful print of a babyloss mandala by Amy Swagman. My mom surprised me with this for my birthday after thoughtfully contributing to our Amethyst Network fundraiser and receiving the print as a premium.

First, I very much enjoyed this article about the painfulness many women experience as they transition into motherhood. This may be re-experienced/re-visited with each baby, or perhaps the initial challenge fades into the background of memory, unless you actively acted to preserve it.

…For me, and for many other women, being a new mother is hard. It can be hard in a million different ways: painful physical recovery from a difficult birth, breast-feeding problems, colic, tensions with your partner, sleep problems. It’s also just hard on its own, on top of and in between all these other challenges. As a friend of mine said, “I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know what ‘hard’ would feel like.” We thought it would be sitcom-style hard—not necessarily with a feel-good resolution at the end of every episode, but at least punctuated by those frequent moments of uplift indicating that, in spite of everything, life really is beautiful, isn’t it? I’m pretty sure it’s like that for some people, but for many of us, it’s not. For many of us, it’s not good hard, as in a “good hard workout”; it’s bad hard, as in, it sometimes feels like something bad is happening to you…

Before I Forget: What Nobody Remembers About New Motherhood – Jody Peltason – The Atlantic.

I recognize that many mothers do not have difficult transitions in postpartum, but I certainly did, and the period of time following the birth of my first baby remains fixed in my own memory one of the most pivotal, painful, challenging, and transformative times of my life as a woman. Perhaps it is more fixed, because I did write about it and the rawness and the struggle is preserved in those words from the past. This article reminds me of my own past thoughts:

When I had my first baby, I would see women who were pregnant and feel almost a sense of grief for them—like, just wait, you have NO idea what is coming. I also told my husband more than once: “this is both more wonderful and more HORRIBLE than I ever could have imagined.” The fear of being thought a “bad mom” is SO powerful that it keeps us quiet about many things. I’ve felt more than once that my kids were “torturing” or me or literally trying to crush my spirit/soul. It sounds horrible to type it out, but that is how I feel sometimes! I’ve also written about how it interesting to feel both captivated AND captive. Bonded and also bound. I discovered that there was a whole new section of women’s rights I hadn’t even been aware of prekids–mother’s rights. I do think many, many women have written about this, but when you start out you feel like you’re the only one whose “daring” to mention the ugly side [she’d also mentioned, “why doesn’t anyone write about this?” Um, they totally do. A lot]. Start reading “momoirs”—they’re a lifeline! So many good ones out there. I have a big collection of them. Oh, and start reading Brain, Child magazine. The best look at real mothering I’ve ever know.

via What to tell a mother-to-be about the realities of mothering…

See also:

Postpartum Survival Tips

Birthing the Mother-Writer (or: Playing My Music, or: Postpartum Feelings, Part 1)

Postpartum Thoughts/Feelings, Part 2

Postpartum Feelings, Part 3

“The time of danger, what needs to be survived, comes at different times for mothers. For me, it came early — during my [child]‘s infancy.” ––From Sleeping Beauty & The Fairy Prince: A Modern Retelling By Cassie Premo Steele

Ever since my first child was born over nine years ago, I’ve been talking about writing an article about the tension between choices and that whatever it is you’re doing, you can be blamed for the outcome later—i.e. “you let me co-sleep, and now I have lifelong sleep problem” OR, “you didn’t co-sleep and now I have lifelong abandonment issues!”

So, I appreciated this humorous look at how you’re doing everything wrong:

Everybody’s always trying to figure out how to do it right.

What’s “best” for my children? What can I do to raise the healthiest, most well-adjusted kids possible?

How can I do it “right?”

Well I think we should reframe this whole discussion into a simple recognition that we’re doing it all wrong.

Everything we do, it’s wrong.

Every decision is the wrong decision. And I have proof. Check this out.

via So basically, you’re doing everything wrong always – renegade mothering.

In a happier tone, I very much enjoyed this sweet post about the end of the breastfeeding relationship:

I’m hoping that buried in the corners of my children’s minds, along with all the other lovely things, there are some memories of breastfeeding that will be there all their lives. As for me, it’s not so much a corner of my mind as an overflowing treasure chest.

via Lonely Scribe: Of milk and memories: how my breastfeeding story ends.

I was very grateful for my own breastfeeding relationship last week when we took Alaina in for her dental work under general anesthesia at an outpatient surgery clinic. After it was over, we nursed and nursed and nursed. It was healing and renewing for us both and it meant I didn’t have to worry about her getting enough to eat or drink after being groggy and having a sore mouth. Interestingly, while she was under, we went ahead and had her upper frenulum clipped (I’ve thought for a long time that she had a upper-lip tie) and it has made such a surprising difference in how comfortable it feels to nurse her. I think I had adapted to a low-level of irritation and discomfort throughout the entire two years that I’ve nursed her.

The day after surgery: showing off new teeth (the previously poorly repaired ones WERE able to be saved!) as well as a new baby chick!

The day after surgery: showing off new teeth (the previously poorly repaired ones WERE able to be repaired and saved! I went in thinking we’d be coming home with a [more] toothless girl) as well as a new baby chick!

Birthdays! (and lots of other stuff)

May20

My birthday was at the beginning of this month. I uploaded some pictures and was going to just post a quick post, but then some days passed and then some more days. I added some more pictures and thought of more things to write and it has just been languishing in my drafts folder. Things keep happening and so I think I’ll add a couple more pictures before I post, blah, blah, blah. I almost deleted the whole thing since now May is practically over and my bday was weeks ago, but since I bothering uploading the pix, I’m just going to post it!

May is a busy month for us. It is my birthday and then Mother’s Day and then my mom’s birthday and my dad’s birthday and Zander’s birthday. We also have a whole group of our work party friends who have May birthdays (and playgroup friends too!). May 12th was the 18th anniversary of my first date with my husband. May 16th was the fifteenth anniversary of my college graduation. I feel like I’m getting old! And, it is weird to think about how close that college student girl feels and also how very far away she feels. My parents both turned 60—I had a surprise party/healing ritual for my mom as part of our spring women’s retreat as well as a ceremony for our 12-year-old work party friend whose birthday was the same day. On Mother’s Day, we had a family memorial ceremony for my grandma. In the middle of all these celebrations, I’ve been wrapping up the school session (including grading almost 100 papers…split up in two batches of almost 50), preparing for the summer school session, plotting with Mark about him quitting his job, trying to help motherbabies breastfeed happily, trying to stick with some kind of homeschool “schedule” for my kids (using the term extremely loosely). Oh yeah, and my tiny little sweet daughter also had major dental work under general anesthesia last Tuesday. One of my Facebook friends pointed out that no wonder I’ve been feeling taxed. Yeah, duh. I don’t know why I can’t extend myself that grace. Instead, I’ve been berating myself at various intervals about my “inability” to handle it all. I’ve also been planning our big trip to California. $2300 later and WAY too many hours thinking, checking, and strategizing, I ended up with five plane tickets and we’re going. We decided to to go ahead and make a full vacation out of it—Disneyland, tourmaline mining, Legoland, and Pismo Beach! My grandma’s committal service (which I am planning and facilitating) and her celebration of life luncheon is in Fresno in the middle of our trip.

This week as I tried to finish those last bleeping papers, I found out that I’d made a mistake with our plane tickets—having a p.m. flight from San Diego to Fresno rather than the a.m. flight I thought we had. I almost lost it. Flipped out. I’m serious. I felt like I had officially exceeded my actual ability to cope and that I may possibly break down in some way. More. Than. Humanly. Possible. To. Handle. As it was, we made the semi-bizarre choice to just buy some new tickets that restored the “rightful” a.m. flight schedule. These middle-of-the-journey tickets were only $68 each and we decided it was really a fairly trivial amount and we should just do it. We’re taking our family of five to CA with carry-on luggage only and we’re packing like a boss! Seriously, we’re rocking this thing.

Oh, and just this afternoon I also finished my twelfth class for my D.Min degree. I’ve got about 14 left, plus my dissertation. I have three in progress and signed up for two more to start during the summer session. How do I do it?!?!? Heck if I know. 😉 Maybe it is time to feel impressed at my own capacities again rather than mad at myself for not getting more done, for being “behind,” for staying up too late, for taking too long to return phone calls, for leaving some emails unanswered and books unreviewed, for being sometimes short-tempered, for screwing up a.m. and p.m., for not getting around to the blog posts I’d hoped to write, for not keeping up with requests for new sculptures, for not having a birthday surprise of some kind for my dad too, and for never feeling “finished” enough to rest.

Here is what I originally swiped from my Facebook to share about my birthday:

Uh oh. I spent the first 8 minutes of my 35th year still working on these dang bibliographies. This has been my worst/least productive grading stint yet (the CA trip planning/purchasing ate up my usual “free” day). I’m determined to have a FREE day tomorrow (okay, technically, today, but it doesn’t count until I go to bed!)–I’m going to wallow around in books and listen to guided meditations (you know, with the three kids climbing on me!) and plan rituals and celebrations and not do anything I don’t feel like doing 🙂

It is SO flipping hard to focus on grading these bibliographies when my brain is turning over Disneyland plans, hotel reservations, car rental, and also finding just the *right* stuff for my grandma’s memorial service. The good news is that I have some really rocking students this session and they make some of the grading easy!

—

Later update:

Thirty-four years ago I was born! As my birthday present to myself, I DID manage to finish grading the last bibliographies and I’m taking the day off to hang around and wallow in books. I think I might do a tech-off day (or, at least, a class-off day!) Oh, and I bought two tiny little Japanese dolls for myself at Goodwill too. I do birthdays right!

When I wake up and hear rainfall on my birthday I always feel like the planet is wishing me a happy birthday too (there was a heavy rainstorm the day I was born). Alaina told me I should have a cake with “nonnie babies” on it. On my actual birthday, my mom took me to a tea room in a neighboring town for a birthday lunch and then I came home with three kinds of tea and the kids and I had a tea party! (in many ways an excuse to eat sugar cubes and this involves sort of obsessive negotiation over them rather than just enjoying ourselves!) I asked the boys if they would play with Alaina so I could have an easier time getting ready to go. After about ten minutes, Lann said, “whew, she’s pretty much like an energy tick.” I rolled! I love having a nine-year-old and a toddler. So much different and easier than having a toddler and a preschooler was.

Okay, so here is a gallery of the pictures I meant to post on several occasions, plus some more I just added in today:

Repost: How I learned to mother myself

May16

One of my very favorite books for mothers is The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal by Renée Trudeau (past posts referencing her are here). I also enjoy her digital newsletter. While it is a bit after the fact now, I’m reposting her Mother’s Day article about how she learned to listen to her Wise Self. As I wrap up the school session, prepare to travel, keep up with my blogs, plan rituals, attempt to halfway manage to keep up with the classes I’m taking, and mother my children, I need all the reminders I can get about self-care! (Speaking of mothers, self-care, and Mother’s Day, I also very much enjoyed this lovely blessing from Shiloh Sophia: A Mama Day Blessing for All Kinds of Mothering | Our Lady of the Red Thread.)

How I learned to mother myself

by Renée Trudeau IMG_2168

There’s been a lot of belly button gazing in our house this past week. My adolescent son told me on Friday, “I’m thinking a lot about my life right now,” my introspective husband is taking a class where he’s contemplating our relationship to the cosmos and having just returned from teaching at the ethereal Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA and the redwood forests, I’m reflecting on my how much my self-care practice has affected my relationship with my husband (read more) …. and myself.

My beloved and I are celebrating our 13-year wedding anniversary this Tuesday and while we still two-step with our respective issues, it seems we’re becoming more accepting and gentle with another, as we slowly become more compassionate and kind to ourselves.

But it’s been a long road.

I have a visceral recollection of the day, ten years ago, when my husband returned to work after being home with me and our newborn for two weeks. Sitting in our dark, quiet kitchen, holding my baby boy, listening to the kitchen clock tick, and blanketed in a postpartum haze, I thought, “This is it. I’m all alone.”  It was a frightening and devastating realization, and I have never felt the absence of maternal nurturing more than I did then. But then, I heard a comforting voice whisper from within, “Renee, it’s time to start mothering yourself.”

That moment was a catalyst for me and the beginning of my journey to learning to both nurture and nourish myself.

For years, I didn’t even know what I needed (self-care, what’s that?!). I was so habituated to the seduction of productivity, to going non-stop, to value “doing over being,” to allowing my internal state to be dependent upon the external world and to tying my self-worth to my latest win. But as I began to tune inward and become reacquainted with my desires—my love of nature, my need to be fed by beauty/art and dance, my passion for nurturing my body through vibrant natural cooking—and watched my own commitment to my well-being grow each day, I began to see the ripple effect this had on my family, my friends and beyond. (Hear how this evolved.)

Learning to mother myself has evolved into a thirteen-year journey to not only becoming my own best friend, but to living a soulful, vibrant awakened life. At times, I am ferocious, radical and even willing to p*** people off in order to stay in integrity with “her”—what I call my Wise Self.  And I found that once I opened up and walked through the doors of self–care, I was gently brought to the path of self-compassion, then self-acceptance and eventually to self-love. It’s been long and slow. But this deeply spiritual practice of self-care has changed my life more than any other.

Now as I move steadily into the second half of my sweet, unpredictable life, holding hands and moving forward–sometimes tentatively–with my kind, tender soul, I leave behind who I thought I was  in order to fully welcome who I am becoming. Warts and all. And I watch my love and acceptance for this beautiful, sometimes controlling and perfectionististic usually compassionate and generous woman grow more each day.

Self-care has gone beyond learning to attune and respond to my physical, emotional and intellectual needs and desires—it’s how I nurture my soul—my very essence. And it’s how I not only celebrate the incredible gift of being in this amazing body and having the gift of this beautiful life— it’s how I remember who I really am.

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You may reprint this newsletter in its entirety provided you include at the end: Renée Peterson Trudeau is a life balance coach/speaker and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal and Nurturing the Soul of Your Family. You can download free book chapters, receive life balance tips or learn about upcoming events at www.ReneeTrudeau.com. On Facebook at: LiveInsideOut.

Subscribe here to receive Renée’s life balance newsletter.

Tuesday Tidbits: Breastfeeding

May14

It is almost too late to call today Tuesday, but I’m squeaking this post in anyway! Breastfeeding articles have been catching my eye this week, MollyNov 109specifically this one about the life-saving benefits of human milk for the critically injured:

But one exciting question is still unanswered: can breast milk be used medicinally as treatment in babies –and even older children and adults– who may not have been breastfed? There is a growing body of evidence suggesting all sorts of uses for breastmilk as treatment of adult disease.   Ads may say, “Milk: Does a Body Good” but in all likelihood, human milk can do a body, any body, better.  

Baby Charlotte Rose wasn’t breastfed. Until the age of 11 months, she was a happy, healthy little girl.  All that changed radically when she suffered a traumatic brain injury…

via Miracle Milk® Helps Heal Brain Injured, Formula-Fed Baby | Best for Babes.

And, since the politics of breastfeeding are endlessly fascinating to me, I was curious to read this article by the mother who caused an unanticipated media stir last year with her breastfeeding-in-uniform pictures:

Whoever said a picture can speak a thousand words was right, even when I could speak none. A group of breastfeeding women, including myself, all took part in a photo shoot with the intentions of  letting others know breastfeeding is possible regardless of your situation. My main contribution, or so I thought, was that I happened to have twins. Boy was I wrong. Another woman and I, who both served in the Air National Guard, also took pictures in our uniform to show that even those serving could also breastfeed. We were both prior active duty so we knew the struggles of both being full-time and part-time military. Contrary to popular belief, we did get permission to take the pictures. After the pictures were taken, we were going to consult the law office on base and get permission for the photos and positive quotes to go along with them with the goal of having them put into women’s exam rooms…

via Terran McCabe: The Air Force Breastfeeding Mom Finally Speaks Out – I Am Not the Babysitter.

While some recent breastfeeding research with a very limited sample is making headlines under the misleading title that “supplementing newborns with small quantities of formula may improve long-term breastfeeding rates,” The Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine published a helpful post breaking down the research and drawing more accurate conclusions:

A small study published in Pediatrics suggests that supplementing newborns with small quantities of formula may improve long-term breastfeeding rates. The results challenge both dogma and data linking supplementation with early weaning, call into question the Joint Commission’s exclusive breastfeeding quality metric, and will no doubt inspire intimations of a formula-industry conspiracy. Before we use this study to transform clinical practice, I think it’s worth taking a careful look at what the authors actually found.

First, I think it’s very important to be clear about what the authors meant by “early limited formula.” The authors used 2 teaspoons of hypo-allergenic formula, given via a syringe, as a bridge for mothers whose infants had lost > 5% of their birthweight and mom’s milk had not yet come in. At UNC, we use donor milk in a similar way, offering supplemental breast milk via a syringe as a bridge until mom’s milk production increases.

This is very different from the way that formula supplementation is handled in many US hospitals. We know that in the US overall, 1/4 of breastfed infants are given formula by day 2 of life, and that number reaches as high as 40% in some areas. Typically, when a family member expresses interest in giving the baby some formula, a hospital staff member plunks a 6-pack of 2-oz bottles of ready-to-feed formula in the baby’s bassinet with no instruction about how much to feed. A neonate whose stomach holds one to two teaspoons gets 2 ounces (12 teaspoons) of milk poured into him. The baby then sleeps for the next four to six hours, like someone who’s just over-indulged at a Thanksgiving buffet. In this scenario. Mom doesn’t get any breast stimulation, and family members all express relief that “finally the baby is happy.” When baby finally wants to eat again, there are five more convenient, ready-to-feed, six-hour-nap-inducing bottles sitting in the bassinet. This does not tend to help mothers breastfeed successfully. I worry that the headlines from this study — such as “How Formula Could Increase Breastfeeding Rates (TIME)”  and  ”How Formula Can Complement Breastfeeding (NYT)” —  will translate into “a six pack of formula back in every bassinet!”

via Early, limited data for early, limited formula use | Breastfeeding Medicine.

Note that the benefit of this very specific type of early supplementation can also be achieved via donor milk. The research does not actually “prove” that formula is helpful for breastfeeding, but that for certain mother-baby dyads, supplementation of some kind via syringe is helpful. This is NOT the same thing at all as supplementing with a two ounce bottle of formula!

I was glad to see Dr. Newman chiming in on the comments with his no-nonsense opinion: “I also love it how they say their results may not be applicable elsewhere because they live in a community where women are eager to breastfeed and 98% initiate breastfeeding. So surely they must find ways to give these babies formula…”

Speaking of Dr. Newman, the conference registration form and website are finally available for the upcoming LLL of Missouri conference in June. I learn so much at LLL conferences and I’m very much looking forward to this one as well. Dr. Newman is the special speaker. I heard him speak at the CAPPA conference last year and he is not to be missed! I’m also speaking twice at this conference, but Dr. Newman is much more exciting than me! 😉

Happy Mother’s Day!

May12

“Blessed be all the mothers of mothers.
Blessed be all the daughters of daughters.
Blessed be all the daughters of mothers.
Blessed be all the mothers of daughters.
Now and forever, wherever we are.” –Diann L. Neu

In Uganda there is a special word that means “mother of a newborn”–nakawere. According to the book Mothering the New Mother, “this word and the special treatment that goes with it apply to a woman following every birth, not only the first one. The massages, the foods, the care, ‘they have to take care of you in a special way for about a month.'”

There is a special word in Korea as well. Referring to the “mother of a newborn child,” san mo describes “a woman every time she has had a baby. Extended family and neighbors who act as family care for older children and for the new mother. ‘This lasts about twenty-one days…they take special care of you.'”

These concepts–and the lack of a similar one in American culture–remind me of a quote from Sheila Kitzinger that I use when talking about postpartum: “In any society, the way a woman gives birth and the kind of care given to her and the baby points as sharply as an arrowhead to the key values of the culture.” Another quote I use is an Asian proverb paraphrased in the book Fathers at Birth: “The way a woman cares for herself postpartum determines how long she will live.”

Dana Raphael, the author of Breastfeeding: The Tender Gift, who is best known for coining the word “doula” as it is presently used, also coined another valuable term: matrescense. “Nothing changes life as dramatically as having a child. And there was no word to describe that. So we invented the word–matrescence–becoming a mother.”

Happy Mother’s Day to mothers around the world!

Mother's Day

Want to find out what mothers really want? Check out the newest Listening to Mothers survey results: Listening to Mothers III: Report of the Third National U.S. Survey of Women’s Childbearing Experiences

Other Mother’s Day reads:

Womenergy (Womanergy)

Prayer for Mothers

What If…She’s Stronger than She Knows…

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This is a modified repost of a previous post for Citizens for Midwifery. It is being crossposted today at CfM, Talk Birth, and Pagan Families.

Birth Stories by Two Year Olds…

May9

With each of my kids when they are somewhere between two and three years old, I feel inspired to ask them if they remember when they were born. They always say, “yes,” and I say, “tell me about it” and they do. Lann’s story was a succinct and accurate version of what happened. He said:

Toddlers can do birth art too! Love the placenta in a bowl and the baby attached to the mama with cord (yes, I know the two are mutually exclusive, but I love it anyway!)

Toddlers can do birth art too! Lann drew this after Zander was born. Love the placenta in a bowl and the baby attached to the mama with cord (yes, I know the two are mutually exclusive, but I love it anyway!)

Swimming
Swimming down out of mama.
Crying!
Nursies.
Happy now.

As I’ve written before, he did start crying loudly with only his head sticking out. Almost immediately after he was born, I put him to my breast offering him what I spontaneously called “nursies” and he was, in fact, then happy.

I asked Zander on his third birthday and his version of his birth was as follows:

First you saw a little head poking out.
Then a little arm.
Then another little arm.
And another and another.
And me was little alien.

He was, in fact, born slowly like this with head emerging and then arms and then upper body and then the rest of him. I asked him what happened to his extra arms and he said:

They actually melted.

He was nursing at the time and paused, popped off and said:

and, my extra eye melted too…

That’s my little Zander for you!

I love how the baby looks like it is "floating" in this one.

I love how the baby looks like it is “floating” in this one.

Yesterday morning, I spontaneously asked Alaina if she remembered being born and like the others she said yes. I asked her what happened and she said:

My baby! My baby!

I asked, “did you hear mama saying that?”

She said yes and then said,

Now, nonnies.  Then she just gazed off into the distance like she was remembering.

I asked her if she remembered anything else and she repeated the above. Shortest of the children’s birth stories, but also distilled to its essence 😉

I’m curious to know if other people ask their children this question and what kind of responses to you get? I love each of my children’s birth stories as told by them!

Both boys made me a birth art sculpture for my birthday this year and each is about a baby being born:

May 2013 021

Zander’s sculpture: The Goddess of Birth

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Lann’s sculpture.

 

Tuesday Tidbits: Writing, Reading, Rituals

May7

“There is an open, flexible, compassionate way of relating to everything we experience, including natural disasters and sudden death. It is not so much a process of learning how to ‘get over’ a profound loss, but rather how to allow it to be there, lightly, gently, like a fine thread woven forever into the tapestry of who we are.” –Nancy J. Rigg (previously used in this post)

I know it is boring to hear about how busy someone else is, but I’m barely keeping my head above water recently. I’m sad that my blogs are sinking to the bottom of my list, because I do so love to write and I have ideas for new blog posts every single day. And, every single day, no matter how long the to-do list is, I have a secret plan that I’ll work like the wind and finish everything else on my list and then I’ll still have time covershot-37“left over” in which I’ll actually get to write the imagined posts. Just isn’t happening this week though. I haven’t even read any birth articles to share thoughts from! However, past self, who apparently had some more time to spare than current self, did produce some work that has given me fodder for this week’s Tuesday Tidbits post. I was pleased as can be to have my article, Breastfeeding as an Ecofeminist Issue, published in Pathways Magazine this quarter. There are precious few opportunities remaining to be published in a print magazine for natural parents and there is just something extra special about having an article published in a full-color, real magazine 🙂 They sent me a pdf version of the article to distribute on my own website and so I’m doing just that. For the nicely printable pdf version, click here.

We are mammals because as a species we nurse our young. This is a fundamental tie between the women of our time and place and the women of all other times and places as well as between the female members of every mammal species that have ever lived. It is our root tie to the planet, to the cycles of life, and to mammal life on earth. It is precisely this connection to the physical, the earthy, the material, the mundane, the body, that breastfeeding challenges men, feminists, and society.

Breastfeeding is a feminist issue and a fundamental women’s issue. And, it is an issue deeply embedded in a sociocultural context. Attitudes towards breastfeeding are intimately entwined with attitudes toward women, women’s bodies, and who has “ownership” of them. Patriarchy chafes at a woman having the audacity to feed her child with her own body, under her own authority, and without the need for any other. Feminism sometimes chafes at the “control” over the woman’s body exerted by the breastfeeding infant.

via Breastfeeding as an Ecofeminist Issue | Talk Birth.

Then, on my birthday last week, my contribution to a series of guest posts by feminist readers about children’s books appeared on First the Egg:

“Books have always been a huge part of my life, and I have many favorite and noteworthy books from my childhood. When considering the question though, one quartet immediately came to mind since two of my children are in fact named after one of the characters–the same character, no less! The Song of the Lioness quartet by Tamora Pierce is the tale of Alanna, who disguises herself as a boy in order to train as a knight. Alanna is a very kick-ass girl, and though she is small and petite, she learns to be an awesome knight, in fact the very best. She develops close friendships with the other squires while managing to guard her secret from most, even through the changes of puberty, until her final test of knighthood. These books have magic and battles and bullies and evil sorcerers and a talking cat and a Great Mother Goddess who takes a special interest in Alanna.”

via children’s books from feminist readers: the other Molly.

And, as far as reading that I’m supposed to be writing about, I’m really looking forward to finishing my book review of The Midwife’s Tale by Sam Thomas and publishing the author interview I did with him.

I also read a fun treasure of a book called Thea Gallas Always Gets Her Man. It was a mystery about a pregnant-mother-of-three and aspiring lactation consultant who solves a murder mystery in between helping mothers with breastfeeding questions. Review forthcoming, I promise!

I’m also swooning with anticipation about reviewing the new documentary about Ina May Gaskin. My screening copy of Birth Story came in the mail this week and I’m hoping to have a few Birth Network friends over for a movie review night.

I’m wrapping up the session—teaching three classes at once is a LOT for a homeschooling, toddler-breastfeeding, LLL Leader, priestess, student, writer mama—and planning an extensive and complex trip to California for my grandma’s memorial. I’m honored to have been asked to plan and officiate at the ceremony for her committal service and also to give a speech at her celebration of life luncheon. Doing these things is really important to me and I’m pleased to be able to offer them as my gift, but at the same time they’re also tipping me over the edge into reallyreallytoomuchtodoandI’mgoingtofreakoutalittle territory. I spent a long time today crying and looking at pictures of my grandma on her Facebook page when I “should” have been grading. It still doesn’t feel real and I’m still staggered at the magnitude of loss I feel. I miss her. I’ve never landed on California soil without Mamoo living there and waiting to greet us.

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With Mamoo at one month old. Look how our lips are pursed in a matching fashion as we talk to each other!

I’m also finalizing the preparations for our spring women’s retreat at my house this Friday. Again, this is something that I feel very blessed to be able to offer to others, while at the same time I’m also freaking out a little and just not. able. to. rest. and be still, in the way in which I feel I need to do. However, I also feel like I really, really need this retreat. I truly need to do this, for my friends and for myself.

One of the custom VBAC sculptures I made while at Craft Camp made it to its destination and now I’m receiving further requests for them. I keep saying I’m not going to do custom orders because I just don’t really have the time, but these beautiful mamas write to me with their strong stories and their tender hopes and I feel compelled to make the figures they ask for…

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Thank goodness for Tuesday Tidbits! It means I’m guaranteed to write at least one post during the week. It gives me the focus, structure, and permission to be brief that I need in order to actually get something published, even if it is hastily organized and sloppily edited!