Maybe GIRL Baby?

Sep12

I have had more ultrasounds during my current pregnancy than I ever imagined having before and I have struggled with some “cognitive dissonance” over my feeling about the overuse of ultrasound in our medical care system, coupled with the intense desire to “check in” with my baby and “make sure” it is okay, as well as to have as many opportunities to bond and develop a sense of connection as I can. During this pregnancy, it has been important to me to learn the baby’s gender. I really want to be able to name it this time and to not call it “it” through the whole pregnancy. I had an ultrasound this week at 21 weeks (this is the last u/s I plan to have), and as he also said at 18 weeks, the doctor said he thinks the new baby is a girl. While we had a good view and the images also looked very “girlish” to me and I think he is probably right, I don’t feel like he was committal enough for me to really name the baby and to start cleaning 7 years worth of boy clothes out of the closets! I need to have some confirmatory dreams or something! Part of the reason I don’t want to become too invested in a girl concept, is because in my heart I feel like I only grow boys and if the baby is really a boy after all, I do not want to have been overly attached to an imaginary girl. I’ve given birth to three boys already and long ago decided that I was “meant” to be a boymom.

I have two sisters and one brother and before I had any children of my own I always assumed, expected, and anticipated having daughters of my own. During my first pregnancy, I was pretty sure the baby was a girl. We had an ultrasound at 21 weeks during that pregnancy as well and the baby was very clearly a boy. I had to do some quick mental re-shifting and then was very excited about having a boy and have really loved the experience of mothering a son. During my second pregnancy, I had no ultrasounds, but I knew with a deep sense of certainly that my second baby was also a boy. I had 7 dreams that he was a boy and there was no space or reason for me to even consider having a girl. I did wonder if this very clear communication was to prevent any kind of “disappointment” about having a second boy—since I KNEW he was a boy, there was no room to “hope for girl.” I knew who I was having and THAT was the baby I wanted. While I know that the “ideal” family for many consists of a boy and girl, personally I actually prefer same-gender sibling pairs. Indeed, I literally feel grateful every single day that I have two boys and not one of each. They are fabulous buddies and I couldn’t imagine having anything else! I also hypothesized that since much of my life is focused around women and working with women, having boys is a necessary, balancing influence for me. I decided that sons are the children I can learn the most from the experience of mothering and that I was destined to be an exclusively boymom—that these boys were specifically intended gifts from the “universe” to properly balance the energies and influences in my life!

While we have planned for a long time to have three children, it took some time to come to the final decision to have a third—I felt like we had a pretty good thing going with our two and wasn’t sure any longer whether I really wanted to add anyone else to the mix. And, when we made the decision to have a third baby, it was intensely important for me to clarify whether we wanted to have a third baby or whether we were wanting to have a girl. I never wanted any of the possible sons to follow my first to feel as if they were the “wrong” gender or like we kept “trying for a girl.” So, my husband and I got crystal clear with each other that what we wanted was a third child in our family, not one of a specific gender. With my third pregnancy, I was sick for the first time ever, which made me think that the baby was possibly a girl, even though I was pretty sure another boy was in my cards (as I’ve noted previously, I had a lot of “you have three sons” dreams in the interim between my first and second babies). That third pregnancy ended unexpected at 14w5d and that baby was indeed my third son.

My current pregnancy is very much the same as my first two and I’ve had a feeling since the beginning that this baby too, was also another boy. I did wonder if this was a similar mental “trick” as with my second pregnancy—my observation is that if you know in your heart the baby is a boy, there is no room to “hope” for something else or to get attached to a “girl” image—but I also felt a sense of certainty that boys are simply the babies that I grow. Boys are the babies meant for me. After that 18 week ultrasound, when it was inconclusive but looked like a girl, I suddenly felt a small, secret spot in my heart that had been shut up a long time ago start to open up again. My original image as mother of a daughter. I thought she was long gone, but I discovered that she was hiding away very deeply and suddenly she came blooming up again. I was in Lowe’s with my husband after that ultrasound and suddenly I had a crystal clear image in my mind—my two boys were walking along holding hands dressed in matching vests (??!!) and behind them toddled a tiny girl wearing shiny pink shoes. While shiny pink shoes aren’t really my “thing,” after the 21 week ultrasound this last week, I went to the store and bought these:

Book Review: Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self

Sep2

Book Review: Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self

By Elly Teman
University of California Press, 2010
ISBN 978-0-520-25964-5
362 pages, softcover, $21.95

http://www.ucpress.edu

Reviewed by Molly Remer, MSW, CCCE

A scholarly work of passion and depth, Birthing a Mother is an in-depth look at the experience and feelings of Jewish surrogates and intended mothers in Israel. The book explores both perspectives—the unique experience of being a gestational surrogate and that of the intended mother. (The term “surrogate mother” is not considered a desirable one and this is clearly explained in the text, the surrogate is not the mother of the baby and this is reinforced over and over again by both surrogate and intended mother.)

Divided into four broad sections chronicling the surrogate journey, a special focus of Birthing a Mother is the intensive strategies employed by surrogates to dis-identify from the pregnant identity (the pregnant body) and focus the attention and bonding experiences on the intended mothers. Surrogates and intended parents both were very careful to identify the surrogate’s role as “container” for the baby, not as a maternal role. No surrogates in Israel use their own eggs and this was significantly emphasized—i.e. “maybe if it was my own egg, I would feel differently, but I know that this is not my baby.” I was very interested to read that this process actually leads some surrogates to choose elective cesareans (after having normal, vaginal births for their own biological children), feeling that to give birth to the baby vaginally might remove some of the containing elements and connect them physically to the baby in an undesirable way.

As the title would suggest, I was touched by the book’s passionate emphasis on the process of birthing a mother. The surrogacy experience was most often defined as this process—as giving birth to new parents by carrying their child and surrogacy is often seen as a profound gift (by both sets of people involved). And, indeed, most often the surrogates noted feelings of grief and dismay at having to give up the relationship with the intended mother following the birth, rather than “giving up” the baby. With the “container” identity firmly in place, most surrogates did not view the experience as a “relinquishment” of the baby at all, but as placing it into the arms of its rightful parents. As one intended mother stated, “You are not just giving birth to children; you are giving birth to new mothers and to new and happy families.”

A work of medical anthropology and women’s studies, rather than a book designed for birthworkers, Birthing a Mother has an academic feel and occasionally reads like a dissertation, but for the most part this style does not become overly cumbersome. The tight focus on the experiences of women in Israel made me wonder how stories and feelings would change cross-culturally. As someone who is admittedly not very informed about domestic surrogacy arrangements, I remain unclear how applicable the book’s observations and conclusions are to the U.S. population.

While not specifically directed at birthworkers, nor at surrogates or intended mothers, Birthing a Mother is a worthwhile read for anyone interested in exploring the intricacies and unique challenges of the surrogate experience.

—

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes.

“The Empowered Miscarriage” Book: Call for Contributions

Sep1

I already posted about this on my miscarriage blog, but I have more readers here and wanted to reach out to those followers as well.

I am currently compiling contributions for a book about miscarriage. I am especially interested in stories about natural miscarriages (i.e. miscarriages that begin and complete on their own timeline rather than a medical timeline) and on miscarriage at home, but I am happy to receive any miscarriage story contribution. I am seeking full stories about miscarriage—the nitty gritty physical reality as well as the emotional components. I have a big vision for this book—I want it to be a “what to expect when you’re having a miscarriage” guidebook that doesn’t only address the feelings involved with miscarriage, but answers practical questions like, “what should I eat?” and “how do I take care of myself?” and “how much blood is too much blood?” and “how to decide whether to have a D & C or whether to wait it out at home?” I feel like the best way to answer many of these questions is through the heartfelt stories of other women who have “been there.”

I welcome contributions from women who chose to go to the hospital at some point during the process even if they originally started out to have a natural miscarriage (I am particularly interested in the decision-making process about going). My primary interest is in the nitty gritty, physical coping stories rather than specific location of miscarriage-birth, though I do still have the special interest in home experiences—-at the root, I want real, complete stories from any setting.

I have a full survey of questions that I am developing to post online, but for now I am pleased to accept any contribution related to my primary theme of natural miscarriage (and/or the physical miscarriage experience regardless of setting). Stories can be emailed to me and I will respectfully and gratefully accept each one with my heart wide open.

——–

I was previously seeking suggestions for the title of this book, originally thinking of calling it simply, “Miscarriage at Home,” when a reader emailed me to suggest the title “The Empowered Miscarriage” (see comments on my other blog for her full explanation). I really like the connotations of the title—-particularly, that it suggests something about miscarriage that is very different than the normal coverage of miscarriage in books. So, I edited my original post to reflect this new title and focus.

Also, I still find myself signficantly displeased with the woefully inadequate word, “miscarriage.” I don’t like it. I don’t like, “miscarrying.” It isn’t enough. I also don’t like the euphemism “loss.” “Pregnancy loss” as a phrase is all right—side note: I feel like there is a range of experiences contained within the miscarriage experience and I think the three are almost separate experiences (emotionally, mentally, and physically)—the babyloss experience, the actual birth-miscarriage experience, and the experience of the loss of being pregnant. I have coped with my own strong, strong feelings about miscarriage as a birth event by referring to my own first miscarriage experience in writing as a miscarriage-birth or a birth-miscarriage. For me, this modifier makes an important point. However, it is cumbersome, not in popular use, and I want something else! Any ideas?

Childbirth and ‘Flow’ Experiences

Aug26

One of my areas of interest within childbirth education is about the importance of birth as an experience. I know this isn’t necessarily a popular approach—more popular is to focus on evidence-based care, because using the dreaded “experience” word implies something too esoteric or “woo-woo,” OR it implies that women value the “experience” over a healthy baby (the very notion of which is so insulting to mothers that I can hardly stand it). However, I tend to think that an overemphasis on evidence-based care simply isn’t enough to explore and describe all that birth means for women. Women deserve even more than evidence-based care! (I actually have an article brewing that addresses this subject.) All too often women’s plans for beautiful births are dismissed with comments such as, “all that really matters is a healthy baby,” or “birth is just one day in a woman’s life.” I believe that wanting a healthy baby is a given and that giving birth is also a transformative rite of passage and life experience that has value in and of itself.

In the textbook Childbirth Education: Practice, Research, & Theory the concept of birth as a peak, or “flow” experience is addressed several times:

The joy and personal growth that can result from successfully meeting challenging experiences has been described as ‘flow experiences’…such experiences are generally better understood in athletics than in childbirth because the public understands athletic events to be character building and an effort or a struggle that requires skill, practice, and concentration and is not without pain. As such, athletic accomplishments are widely recognized for both the product and process…Society focuses the celebration of birth almost totally on the product–the baby–and is rather neutral about the process as long as the mother emerges healthy.

The book also shares the research that when mothers were interviewed postpartum who had had epidurals, their comments following birth focused almost totally on the baby. Women who had relied on relaxation and other non-pharmaceutical coping methods talked about the baby AND about the emotional and psychological benefits of their birth experiences. Women in both groups expressed satisfaction with their birth experiences, but for those in the epidural group “the element of personal accomplishment or mastery was missing in their comments.”

I believe that starting out the parenting adventure with a sense of “personal accomplishment and mastery” is a tremendous gift and I wish all expectant couples had the opportunity to experience birth in this way. In my classes, I strive to emphasize that both process (giving birth) and product (healthy baby, healthy mom) are important, and indeed, are inextricably linked.

The Tentative Pregnancy

Aug20

I am going to try to switch much of my writing about my current pregnancy here, rather than keeping it on my miscarriage blog as I have been. My pregnancy experience is so entertwined with my loss experiences that I’ve been having trouble identifying the proper “home” for my posts on the subject. Barbara Katz Rothman used the phrase “the tentative pregnancy” when referring to the impact of amniocnetisis on pregnancy. I feel like I am experiencing that phenomenon with regard to pregnancy after loss (PAL). I just wrote about some of these feelings in depth on my other blog in this post: No “Safe” Point. I feel like I am constantly aware of being pregnant and yet somehow disconnected from it—like one level (body, mind, or emotions) is very aware and another level (mind, or is it emotions?) hasn’t taken on the pregnant identity. I guess I am experiencing the embodied experience of being pregnant—so, physical awareness—and yet psychologically and emotionally I have not taken “pregnant woman” into my identity again yet. Not sure if this is making sense, but it kind of does to me…

For someone who places such high value on pregnancy and birth as well as for someone whose professional work is centered around, “encouraging joy and confidence in childbearing,” this is an odd as well as kind of sad place to be in. We do not plan to have any more children and I really hope to find plenty of moments to celebrate and revel in this pregnancy—I told my friends already that I’m expecting to have the biggest blessingway EVER this time around! I really enjoy being pregnant. Feels like a state of health to me and I feel physically good while pregnant—strong, pretty, etc. This pregnancy has been a very physically smooth one just like my first two were—no nausea, no troublesome or painful pregnancy complications/symptoms, just feeling like I’m getting rounder and full of life and promise. However, there is a component of personal identification missing for me this time that I can’t quite pin down. Maybe it will

come with time. I think I’m going to do some more birth art and see what happens!

I am 18 weeks pregnant now and I haven’t shared any pictures in a while! The first of these was taken at 16 weeks (at a craft workshop we attended. The attentive among you will notice my lovely Cherokee basket in the background—I am inordinately proud of making this basket!) and the second was taken yesterday at 17w5d.

We had another ultrasound today (another changed feature of the pregnant landscape for me is that this is my most ultrasound-exposed baby EVER. I feel like I benefit more from the reassurance, than I fear risk from the u/s itself). We hoped to find out the baby’s gender—it is very important for me to know in advance this time around. The doctor first said boy, which is what I was feeling in my gut, but then he looked around some more and said he was definitely “flipping” his opinion to “girl.” So, essentially, I know as much as I did yesterday ;-D I really want to name this baby and to have a non “it” identity for it. I do not feel like trying to analyze or explain or justify this feeling. I just feel it.

So, this post is my first effort at bringing the “pregnant woman” identity back into my life. I haven’t started a baby book/pregnancy journal for this pregnancy yet and may not do so this time around. I then worry about the baby feeling unequally treated, etc., so I figure that this can be the baby I blog about. That will be its special something different—I’ve never blogged during a pregnancy before. With my first pregnancy, I participated extensively in a newsgroup and kept all of my postings from that in a big binder for my pregnancy memoir. I also had a specific pregnancy journal and a prenatal/baby book. With my second pregnancy, we did special things we hadn’t before like make a belly cast and have professional pregnancy pictures taken. And, I kept a special pregnancy journal and a prenatal/baby book (same exact one as with my first to be equal! I also did baby calendars for the first year of each of their lives—I wrote something in the calendar blank every single day for each of them! Yay me! No “maternal failure alert” light flashing here!). With my third pregnancy, I had started a special pregnancy journal and also a prenatal/baby book (again, the same one as with the previous children to be equal!). Then, when that pregnancy ended at 14w5d, I had to put those journals away and it hurt so much that I can’t quite manage to start one this time. I just write in my regular journal about it and I do have one of those same identical prenatal/baby books (I’m so equal!) waiting. I think I will use it to write in after the baby is born (more than half of it is a baby book, the first section is the prenatal care record, which perhaps I will fill in retroactively). I also have one of those exact same baby calendars in my drawer (obtained when my first baby was still a baby—I plan ahead!) so that I can do the one-entry-every-day-of-first-year thing for this baby too. While I have blogged extensively about my loss experiences, I have not yet ever blogged during a pregnancy. So, maybe this can be this new baby’s special thing. 🙂

Honesty in Birth Preparation

Aug19

Some time ago I came to the disheartening conclusion that what many independent birth educators like myself teach women in birth classes isn’t actually what they can expect, it is what they deserve. And, in our birth culture there can be a dramatic difference between the two. I then wrote an article exploring what many women can expect from a traditional hospital-based “natural” birth—it was published in Pathways magazine and has also made the rounds multiple times as a blog post. So, what then do women deserve? In my mind, they deserve: humane care; respectful, individualized treatment; freedom of movement and choice in a woman-honoring environment; informed consent; the Six Healthy Birth Practices; and the recognition that birth is a significant rite of passage and transformative life event. With this conviction, I therefore refuse to start teaching only what can be expected, because women deserve so very much more than that—but, how to professionally handle the dichotomy in class?

Published in the 80’s, the book Childbirth with Insight by Elizabeth Noble has some thoughts on the subject offer the birth educators of today. In the section addressing the issue of being honest with childbirth education clients about common obstetric practices, she says:

“…instructors in the community cannot afford to discuss obstetric practices in ways that will aggravate local hospitals and obstetricians if they wish to fill their classes. One childbirth educator comments, ‘Imagine if we told couples how it really was…perhaps we’d lose fewer teachers from our group.’ No wonder many of these dedicated and enthusiastic teachers suffer ‘childbirth preparation burnout.’ They are caught in a triple bind. If they describe accurately how birth is managed in some hospitals, couples would become very fearful. If expectant parents anticipate a warm and flexible birth environment and find that such is not the case in the hospital they use, their disappointment is inevitable and bitter. If the instructors advocate childbirth without drugs or anesthesia and these are needed, parents may harbor feelings of guilt and failure.”

The author concludes this segment of the discussion with a very potent and powerful message to birth educators:

“Each instructor must teach what she knows in her bones to be true. A dynamic teacher is constantly changing, becoming more self-aware. At the same time, couples must be warned that almost all hospitals and doctors have expectations based on the mechanical model of birth.” [emphasis mine]

This is such a difficult line to walk—to encourage confidence, trust, and joy in childbearing, while being straightforward about the challenges couples may face when seeking a natural birth experience in a hospital. I always encourage couples to “assume good intent” from hospital staff—they offer medication because they feel like they are helping and also simply because it is the primary “tool” in their medical-model oriented helping toolbox. I also remind them that routines are powerful and if the majority of births occurring at a specific hospital are induced, medicated, heavily intervened with, etc. it can be difficult to buck the trend. Again, not out of some sketchy motive from hospital staff, but simply because of routine or “this is what we always do” or “this is what mothers want from us.”

The very firey, bold, honest, and passionate 1990’s manifesto on VBAC, Open Season even more bluntly addresses the issue of transparency in maternity care and also the effectiveness of childbirth education in this quote:

“If childbirth classes really ‘worked,’ more women would be having babies without interference. More women would be recognizing the complete naturalness of birth and would remain at home, delivering their infants with feelings of confidence and trust. More and more, midwives would be demanded. The names of those hospitals and doctors who treated women and babies with anything less than absolute respect would be public knowledge, and childbirth classes would be the first place these names would be discussed. ‘You’re seeing What’s-His-Face? He’s a pig! In my opinion, of course,’ I tell people who come to my classes. I then proceed to give them the names of people who have used Pig-face. They can always ask Dr. P. for the names of people who have used him and been satisfied with their births, for balance.”

While I’m not personally to the point of taking the “Dr. Pig-face” approach from Open Season, I’ve decided that honesty is the best policy and I’ve started to be very upfront about my challenge with the couples in my classes. Lately, I say, “here’s where I’m wrestling with something. I’m teaching you what you deserve, but it isn’t necessarily what you can expect…” and we proceed to explore choices, talk about communication skills, talk about evidence-based care, making sure the care provider’s words and actions thus far are matching, etc. However, my basic dilemma remains—I am not changing a broken system by teaching individual couples how to navigate it more satisfactorily, I’m actually supporting the broken system (right?!). While one-on-one change efforts have value and are personally rewarding, what I know in my bones to be true is that what we actually need is widespread maternity care reform and systemic change on a global level…

—

(I originally posted some content from this post on the ICEA blog.)

Childbirth Educator as Midwife…

Aug14

“Expectant mothers need to be mothered; their hearts need to be infused with love, confidence, and determination. I now see myself as ‘midwife’ to the gestation and birth of women as mothers.”

–Pam England

This is a beautiful quote that really speaks to how I wish to work with women and what I would like to accomplish.

As I’ve noted before, I have a big binder of back issues of the International Journal of Childbirth Education and they are a real treasure. Here are several quotes that relate to the sentiment above:

From the Sept. 1999 issue in an article called The Challenge of Change: Making Mother-Friendly Care a Reality in Childbirth Education by Mayri Sagady comes a discussion of educator as “banker” or “midwife”:

[the concept of]..traditional education as ‘banking.’ This is where the role of the teacher is to ‘make deposits of information’ into the student’s mind. The student’s job is simply to ‘store the deposits’…the teacher as midwife [is explained as] ‘Midwife-teachers are the opposite of banker teachers. While the bankers deposit knowledge in the learner’s head, the midwives draw it out. They assist the students in giving birth to their own ideas, in making their own tacit knowledge explicit and elaborating it’…Within the field of childbirth education today, there are surely both ‘bankers’ and ‘midwife-teachers’

Then in the December 1999 issue in an article by Celeste Phillips called Family-Centered Maternity Care: Past, Present, & Future, she offers three challenges for 21st century birthing educators:

+”Help men and women understand that birth itself has the potential to change lives for the better.”

+”Give women a sense of fulfillment and tremendous accomplishment.”

+”Give new parents a strong connection to the very essence of life.”

These are formidable—and exciting—tasks! I think it is important to examine our own birth education programs to see how well we are meeting these challenges and also to strive to serve our clients as midwife-teachers rather than as of bankers of information.

And circling back around to my opening quote, I am reminded of another good one, this one from Midwifery Today’s founder/editor, Jan Tritten:

“You will have ideas, options and paths to ponder, but you will also have a sense of possible directions to take as you consider midwifery, childbirth education, or being a doula or an activist. Your path may be circular or straight, but meanwhile you can serve motherbaby while on the path, with a destination clearly in mind.” She also says, “I use the word midwife to refer to all birth practitioners. Whether you are a mother, doula, educator, or understanding doctor or nurse you are doing midwifery when you care for motherbaby.” (emphasis mine)

Ecstatic Birth

Aug12

The beautifully organized hormonal symphony of labor was mentioned by several speakers at the CAPPA conference in North Carolina.

Here are two lovely quotes from Sarah Buckley about ecstatic birth and the role of birthing hormones:

“Giving birth in ecstasy: This is our birthright and our body’s intent. Mother Nature, in her wisdom, prescribes birthing hormones that take us outside (ec) our usual state (stasis), so that we can be transformed on every level as we enter motherhood.” –Sarah Buckley

“This exquisite hormonal orchestration unfolds optimally when birth is undisturbed, enhancing safety for both mother and baby. Science is also increasingly discovering what we realise as mothers – that our way of birth affects us life-long, both mother and baby, and that an ecstatic birth —
a birth that takes us beyond our self — is the gift of a life-time.” –Sarah Buckle

While I definitely do not feel like “orgasmic” is an accurate descriptor of my own birth experiences, I really like the term “ecstatic birth.” According to Sarah’s descriptions/definitions of ecstatic birth, I feel like I’ve had three ecstatic births (including a second-tri miscarriage-birth—the hormonal “symphony” was the same as with full-term labor and my sense of exhilaration and accomplishment and almost “pride” was the same as with my other babies, except then I also had the accompanying overwhelming grief at not having a living baby to exalt over).

When I think about the term “ecstatic birth” and recall my own feelings and experiences, I think I’m thinking of the immediate post-birth ecstasy/euphoria I experienced and still remember so profoundly. The I DID IT moments. And too, the other-plane-of-existence feelings/consciousness of being in labor and working in harmony with my body. The Laborland stuff—which is that indescribable, surrendered, sort of “hypnotized” state of truly embodied experience.

Self-Renewal Tips for Mothers

Aug11

Based on responses to the now-closed giveaway I hosted for the book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, here are some great self-renewal tips from readers:

My favorite self-renewal tip is to get some sea salt (fine ground), safflower oil and your favorite essential oil (I use lavender) and make some homeade salt scrub (you could use sugar of course). I take it in the bathroom and give myself a foot massage with it. Ahhhh. It might not be life changing, but it sure rejuvenates.
Okay, here’s my tip – it’s hard, but oh so worth it – COLD shower. Nicest way: warm up the bathroom, and massage yourself all over with almond oil (can scent with a few drops of essential oil of your choice), then when you are read, step in and out of the cold water about three times til it doesn’t feel cold anymore – it will knock the breath out of you and leave you feeling amazing, awake and re-energized.

If you can’t quite manage the whole thing, doing your face, hands and feet isn’t bad either.

Don’t do it in pregnancy or in the first three days of your period.
I sleep in! When I can, that is! When I can’t I bake. Baking is therapeutic to me, and it’s an “unnecessary” bit of cooking that smells divine and is often something sweet.
Reading a good book is a great way I love to self-renew.
I knit and have been using lavender to help me sleep when I get pregnancy insomnia at 3 in the morning.
I love a hot bath (BY MYSELF). I don’t get to do it often as my boys love bathing with mummy. But a good soak and dimmed lights often leave me feeling new again. Especially if you have special bubble bath or salts that only get used by you.
My favorite tip for self-renewal is making time for yoga. Yoga is a tremendous physical and spiritual practice for me, and when nothing else is right, it usually is.
Self-renewel tip: I love music. Pop in my favorite cd. Turn it up and dance and sing until everything else fades away
I drive around aimlessly in my car and listen to my music as loud as I can! This dissipates my moodiness in just minutes. Another favorite renewal activity is hiking by myself as often as I can.
Tip: I love to take time out for coffee with friends or a birth movie night with my doula sisters!
My favorite tip is getting a pedicure and reading a magazine. It makes me feel better.
Yoga, baths, and footbaths are my favorite recharges. Thanks!
My favorite way to recharge is to take foot bath. Boil some hot water, find a nice quiet location, put on some soft music, or just listen to the birds outside your window. Pick some fresh herbs, (or use essential oils) like lavender, lemon, mint, cinnamon and just put your feet in and relax. If you have some river rocks you can put those in the bottom of your pan and roll your feet over them, and you get a massage and a foot bath!
I love to renew by reading a good book and holding my son…who is 4

And What’s This? More Birth Quotes!

Aug9

I decided to split my most recent Facebook quote sharing into two posts, because it was becoming overwhelmingly long. These are the quotes I’ve shared on the Citizens for Midwifery Facebook page since April. While I realize that I don’t “own” these quotes—other people said them, not me!—I do have quite a bit of legwork invested in seeking and sharing these quotes (I mostly get them from my own reading) and if you re-post one or more of them on your own Facebook page, blog post, or book, I really appreciate acknowledgement and/or link back to this site or to my FB page, that this is where you originally got the quote!

‎”When a woman births without drugs…she learns that she is strong and powerful…She learns to trust herself, even in the face of powerful authority figures. Once she realizes her own strength and power, she will have a different attitude for the rest of her life, about pain, illness, disease, fatigue, and difficult situations.” –Polly Perez

“It is a curious commentary on our society that we tolerate all degrees of explicitness in our literature and mass media as regards sex and violence, but the normal act of breastfeeding is taboo.” – American Academy of Pediatrics (via Baby Bloom Doula Service)

“The way a society views a pregnant and birthing woman, reflects how that society views women as a whole. If women are considered weak in their most powerful moments, what does that mean?” –Marcie Macari

“Attempting to fulfill an idea of the ‘perfect’ mother can only prove soul-destroying, as no such person exists.” –Adela Stockton

“In the sheltered simplicity of the first days after a baby is born, one sees again the magical closed circle, the miraculous sense of two people existing only for each other.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Giving birth is an experience carried not only into the first days of motherhood but also throughout life, having far-reaching effects on the mother’s self-esteem and confidence.” –Gayle Peterson

‎”I think one of the best things we could do would be to help women/parents/families discover their own birth power, from within themselves. And to let them know it’s always been there, they just needed to tap into it.” –John H. Kennell, MD

“As doulas, midwives, nurses, and doctors, it’s important to never underestimate how deeply entrusted we are with someone’s most vulnerable, raw, authentic self. We witness their heroic journeys, see them emerge with their babies, hearts wide open…” –Lesley Everest (MotherWit Doula)

“…advocates of home birth have never suggested that all women should give birth at home, only that it is a reasonable choice for some women. Given that rather modest claim, the force and vehemence with which home birth is opposed by ACOG seems out of all proportion.” –Elizabeth Armstrong (Princeton University)

“Few healthy, low-risk mothers require technology-intensive care…Yet…the typical childbirth experience has been transformed into a morass of wires, tubes, machines and medications that leave healthy women immobilized, vulnerable to high levels of surgery and burdened with physical and emotional health concerns…” –Maureen Corry (quoted in Lamaze International‘s journal)

“At a time when Mother Nature prescribes awe and ecstasy, we have injections, examinations, and [cord] clamping… Instead of body heat and skin to skin contact, we have separation…Where time should stand still for those eternal moments of first contact as mother and baby fall deeply in love, we have haste to deliver the placenta and clean up for the next ‘case.'” –Sarah Buckley

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” – Marianne Williamson

“…celebrate ourselves for our courage to birth. The real question becomes not, ‘Have you done your breathing exercises?’ but rather, ‘Can you love yourself no matter how you birth, where you birth, or what the outcome?'” –Claudia Panuthos

“Whenever a woman has a problem, I believe that she herself can find the answer, provided she is given adequate information and support. I firmly believe in women’s strength and resourcefulness; I’ve witnessed these time and again. Women care about the continuation and continuity of life; they are intrigued by relationships, how things fit together.” –Elizabeth Davis

“Deep relaxation, surrender, letting go: when midwives are asked to disclose the secret of giving birth with relative ease, these are the words we choose. More than metaphors for coping, these responses are based on physiological imperatives…” –Elizabeth Davis

“The greatest joy is to become a mother; the second greatest is to be a midwife.” –Norwegian Proverb

‎”Brick walls eventually crumble precisely because people keep busting their heads against them.” –Barbara Wilson-Clay (IBCLC)

“Some midwives pull women up the hill and say I will get you through this. Other midwives walk behind quietly and gently say, ‘I believe in you.'” -Patricia M. Couch (via Wellpregnancy Childbirth Educator Trainings and Childbirth Classes)

‎”In our own world today, motherhood is rarely sufficiently honored. One day each year, there are brunches and corsages and little gifts of love. But the rest of the time? As a culture, we do not respect the great gift of mothering. Women’s work in raising the next generation is taken for granted. Yet it is a vital service to humanity, one that deserves to be acknowledged continually.” –Patricia Monaghan

‎”Becoming a mother does not need to rob you of your selfhood. Stay away from martyrdom. Martyrs never make good mothers; what is gained in giving is taken away in guilt.” –Gayle Peterson

“The midwife cannot be skilled without being caring. She cannot be truly caring without being skilled.” –Sheila Kitzinger

“The two most beautiful sights I have witnessed in my life are a full blown ship at sail and the round-bellied pregnant female.” –Benjamin Franklin

“When you have a baby, your own creative training begins. Because of your child, you are now finding new powers and performing amazing feats.” –Elaine Martin

“…in a time lacking in truth and uncertainty and filled with anguish and despair, no woman should be shamefaced in attempting to give back to the world, through her work, a portion of its lost heart.” –Louise Bogan

“If the baby’s body is a joy and a delight in the mother’s arms, that same body will become a joy and a delight to its owner later on.” –English & Pearson

“Even if I am simply one more woman laying one more brick in the foundation of a new and more humane world, it is enough to make me rise eagerly from my bed each morning and face the challenge of breaking the historic silence that has held women captive for so long.” –Judy Chicago

“Children are the power and the beauty of the future. Like tiny falcons we can release their hearts and minds, and send them soaring, gathering the air to their wings…” –Skip Berry

“Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to ‘jump at de sun.’ We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground.”- Zora Neale Hurston (via Literary Mama)

“That they can strengthen through the empowerment of others is essential wisdom often gathered by women. “—Mary Field Belenky (via Applaud Women)

“Since beliefs affect physiologic functions, how women and men discuss the process of pregnancy and birth can have a negative or positive effect on the women that are involved in the discussion. Our words are powerful and either reinforce or undermine the power of women and their bodies.” –Debra Bingham (I was inspired to share this quote today by a conversation with Kerry Tuschhoff 🙂

“Learn to respect this sacred moment of birth, as fragile, as fleeting, as elusive as dawn.” ~ Frederick Leboyer (via From Womb to Cradle Doula Services)

‎”It takes force, mighty force, to restrain an instinctual animal in the moment of performing a bodily function, especially birth. Have we successfully used intellectual fear to overpower the instinctual fear of a birthing human, so she will now submit to actions that otherwise would make her bite and kick and run for the hills?” –Sister Morningstar (in Midwifery Today)

“Birth is women’s business; it is the business of our bodies. And our bodies are indeed wondrous, from our monthly cycles to the awesome power inherent in the act of giving birth.” –Sarah Buckley

“When a man is truly ‘present’ for the birth of his child and allows himself to be touched by the mystery unfolding before his eyes, he will have an unquestionable experience that can catapult him into the next phase of his development as a mature human being. His encounter with the power of birth…can connect him to his partner and his child in ways that sustain him for the rest of his life.” –John Franklin

“When he becomes a father, a man leaves behind his life as a single individual and expands into a more inclusive role. He becomes a link in an unbroken chain. And in doing so, he himself undergoes a birth process–the birth of himself as a father.” –John Franklin (FatherBirth)

‎”We are volcanoes. When we women offer our experience as our truth, all the maps change. There are new mountains. That’s what I want to hear–to hear you erupting. You Mount St. Helenses who don’t know the power in you–I want to hear you…If we don’t tell our truth, who will?” –Ursula K. Le Guin

“For most people, modern life meanders along a path of ups and downs, by and large devoid of high-voltage experiences that have the power to alter our lives in significant ways…The birth of a child is one of those significant experiences.” –John & Cher Franklin (FatherBirth)

“Pregnancy and labor are periods of vulnerability. This vulnerability is not weakness, but softness, which later contributes to adjustment to motherhood. Feeling dependent may open you to your need for help, and the ability to accept help from others can increase your strength and endurance for labor. Each of us must come to terms with our own feminine strength and our need for protection.” –Gayle Peterson (An Easier Childbirth)

“Labor is also teamwork. It is a mother and baby learning together how to push and how to be born, how to yield and separate from the union of pregnancy. You are not in control nor are you out of control during labor. The best way to approach labor is with an attitude of learning rather than controlling.” –Gayle Peterson (An Easier Childbirth)

“Midwifery calls upon you to be the best you can be: the best advocate, guide, healer, counselor, mother, comrade, and confidant of the women seeking your care.”— Anne Frye

“The birth of a baby is the birth of family. Myriad births take place at once: Women become mothers, husbands become fathers, daughters become sisters, and sons become brothers. One birth ripples through generations, creating subtle shifts and rearrangements in the family web.” –Gayle Peterson

“The family’s trust in the midwife and the midwife’s trust in the competence of the family members are the basis of caring that has the power of magic.” ~ Mary C. Howell (from Midwifery Today e-news)

“Birth is not a cerebral event; it is a visceral-holistic process which requires all of your self–body, heart, emotion, mind, spirit.” –Baraka Bethany Elihu (Birthing Ourselves into Being)

“Fear is completely intertwined with what we experience as labor pain…And it is the fear in our physicians and nurses as much as the fear within ourselves.” –Suzanne Arms (Immaculate Deception II)

“There is no place for ideology in birthing. Each birth has its own story and we must respond to what the baby tells us.” –Spinning Babies.com (via Kelly Caldwell)

I do think there is a place for ideologies/philosophies about birth and as guides for humane care/practice and as guides for making prenatal care and birth care decisions (before the birth), but in the actual moment, release of attachment is often necessary.

“To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and undoubtedly inhabited.” ~Anne Buchanan (via CAPPA)

“Your doc/friend/mother-in-law may be saying, ‘Don’t be a hero, get the epidural!’ But this isn’t about heroics, this is about protecting your body…” –Jennifer Block (via @Spirited Doula Services)

“Giving birth in ecstasy: This is our birthright and our body’s intent. Mother Nature, in her wisdom, prescribes birthing hormones that take us outside (ec) our usual state (stasis), so that we can be transformed on every level as we enter motherhood.” –Sarah Buckley

“The mystery of life and birth is a profound invitation to be authentic as you trust and tremble your way through labor’s Gates of doubt and fear. It is possible that you will become more intuitive during labor than at any other time…Allow your body to guide you in your breathing, in your unique movement, in knowing …what to do…even when you don’t know what to do.” –Pam England (The Labyrinth of Birth)

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ~ Harriet Tubman (via Midwifery Today e-news)

“Midwives can create a spirit of beauty at a birth or they can desecrate it. They can create a sacred space around a birthing woman that drives out fear & inspires the mother’s belief in herself, which ultimately determines the outcome of the birth. Midwives can be a channel of Grace in ways they never imagined & in doing so they create a spirit of reverence. Reverence in these days and times is not a common thing.” Caroline Wise, Birthing with Reverence (Midwifery Today)

Re: “advice” for someone who is pregnant: “…if you know that you are pregnant and if you know when you conceived your baby and you think that everything’s okay, doctors can probably do nothing for you. Women need to realize that the role of medicine in pregnancy is very limited…What’s important is for a mom-to-be to be happy, to eat well, to adapt her lifestyle to her pregnancy, to do whatever she likes to do…I think that’s what we have to explain to women. They have to realize that doctors have very limited power.” –Michel Odent (in Optimal Birth)