Jewelry Memory

Nov8

Those of you who know me in real life may know that I really like jewelry. You may or may not also know that I often use jewelry to mark significant moments in my life, to communicate certain messages, and to remind myself of things or serve as touchstones. For the last couple of days, I made sure to put on three significant necklaces and the order of the necklaces told a story. The first was my baby-in-my-heart pendant. Unfortunately no longer available for sale anywhere, I very much connected to this pendant and bought it as a connection to the baby in my own heart. I used to even sleep and shower wearing it and wore it continuously until midway through my pregnancy-after-loss in which I then felt like putting it away. Now, I wear it on certain meaningful occasions like on Noah’s birthday or on holidays.

The second is a pendant I bought right after my second miscarriage. It is a small medallion style piece with the words, “believe in yourself” on the back. I wore it throughout my pregnancy with Alaina, including in labor. Now, I wear it when I need encouragement, courage, or strength. I have a tradition of wearing it to the first night of every class I teach. It serves as a reminder for me and helps me feel strong.

The third pendant is the dancing goddess logo from SageWoman magazine. My husband gave it to me after Alaina was born in 2011. It reminds me of my Happy Birth Dance feelings of relief and joy at her birth. I still wear this one almost every day.

Together, obviously, the three in a row tell a story of loss, hope, and joy.

Lann took this picture of me a couple of days ago on Nov. 6, the third anniversary of the day we found out the baby had died and I was going to have a miscarriage.

[Side note: Jewelry is significant enough to me that there are still birthy necklaces I haven’t worn since my miscarriages because they represent a happy point of pre-loss naïvety to me and I now feel uncomfortable wearing them. I put many of my very favorite necklaces away after Noah was born, because I couldn’t even stand to look at them and be confronted with the joy they had previously represented, and even though I am no longer in that dark and distressed place, I still don’t enjoy wearing them. Their association for me has permanently changed.]

Noah’s angel bear and my necklace on the priestess rocks yesterday afternoon.

Do you have jewelry that is especially significant to you? Do you wear it when you need to tell the world something or remind yourself of an important moment or experience? I’d love to see a picture of it!

I also felt inspired to quickly make a new birth art figure—this one incorporating the “baby in my heart” image that I found so valuable. And, it also connects to the persistent feeling I had for months after he was born (until I reached his due date really) that I was going to be, “a little bit pregnant” with him forever.

Invisible Nets

Oct23

I have several friends and acquaintances preparing for the births of their babies at the end of this month and into November. This weekend, when I found out one of them was in labor, I peeked in at her Facebook page and saw her profile picture, so strong and beautiful and solitary and I remembered with such poignancy that liminal point between pregnant woman and mother of a newborn. The tenderness and triumph of standing up with your new baby for the first time. The marveling at the fact that, I did it. The sweet, fresh, beautiful irreplaceable sensations of your fresh new baby lying upon your chest. The worry of how to do this mothering thing “right.” All of those vibrant and deep first moments and trying to sink into them. The stark sensation of having crossed into completely new territory and having left your old self behind forever. The moments of marveling at your own strength and courage and reveling in your own power. The moments of feeling bitterly lost and confused.

I wrote this on my Facebook page as I thought of her and of the other Oct/Nov mothers about to step across the birth threshold:

Holding in my heart all the special mothers taking their birth journeys tonight–stepping across that pivotal threshold and into the unknown. May they discover they are stronger than they knew, may they marvel at their own courage, may they dig deep, and may they know joy beyond measure.

I also finally used one of my favorite quotes for women’s circles and a picture of a set of new sculptures that I made this weekend and turned it into a little shareable image. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, but had trouble finding anything that would let me edit a picture on my phone to include words. It isn’t perfect, but it is my first attempt!

And, I thought of my own past posts…

Thoughts about a birth blessing and more…

“…May we see and hear women. May we witness them in the act of living, of birthing, of struggling, of triumphing. In surrender and in self-doubt. In exultation and joy. May we hold that space for her story. May we listen well and wisely.” (Molly Remer)

Thoughts about being a “birth warrior“…

“I was surprised to find myself connect with the birth warrior metaphor in labor. Shortly after my first baby was born, I turned to my dear friend who had been present and said, “I feel like I’ve been in a war…”

Thoughts about those sweet, delicate, precious moments of waiting to inhale…

Thoughts of the sweet, sticky, beautiful, and simultaneously soul-crushing and soul-expanding experiences of early postpartum…

I hope all of the women I know who are giving birth in the upcoming season discover that, as Sheila Kitzinger said, “Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in.” (from promo for One World Birth)

And, that while, “Women are as nervous and unsure of themselves as ever, and they need to learn to trust their bodies. Birthing is much more that eliminating pain. It is one of life’s peak experiences.” (Elisabeth Bing)

Happy Birthing Days, Mamas!

—

(P.S. This is an experiment with writing a short post! How’d I do?!)

Book Review: Sacred Pregnancy

Jun4

Sacred Pregnancy
by Anni Daulter, MSW
Paperback: 360 pages
Publisher: North Atlantic Books; 1 edition (May 1, 2012)
ISBN-13: 978-1583944448

http://www.sacredpregnancy.com/

Reviewed by Molly Remer, Talk Birth

Sacred Pregnancy is absolutely gorgeous! Seriously, it is one of the most appealing books I’ve encountered in a long time. The photography is breathtaking, the layout is lovely, and the colors are beautiful. It is a very visually nourishing book to hold and encounter. A combination week-by-week guide to pregnancy and personal journal, Sacred Pregnancy covers a lot of ground from basic pregnancy information and fetal development to making a special birth necklace. There are sections on exercise, nutrition, blessingways, forgiveness, nesting, sisterhood, naming ceremonies, and much, much more.

Two of my favorite points from the book, the first from Ina May’s foreword:

“In discussions in which the sacred nature of pregnancy and birth is brought up, the answer often presumes that anything that would revalue the sanctity of birth would automatically put babies in danger. Nothing could actually be farther from the truth.”

And the second from the author, Anni Daulter:

“Women are born gifted! They can birth babies for heaven’s sake. This is a magical and joyous event and something that, even though the medical community can tell us how it works, is incredible in so many ways. The fact that you can create a human life, carry it in your body, and birth it into existence is just so unbelievably miraculous that there are hardly words for it” (p. 129).

Sacred Pregnancy would make a delicious, nurturing gift for any pregnant woman wishing to dive deep into the experience of her pregnancy and into conscious birth preparation. Just beautiful!

—

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes.

Happy Mother’s Day!

May13

Blessed be all mothers.
Blessed be all the mothers of mothers.
Blessed be all the daughters of mothers.
Blessed be all the children of mothers.
Now, and forever.
Amen.
–WATER (Women’s Alliance for Theology, Ethics and Ritual)

Happy Mother’s Day!

I keep feeling like making some big, philosophical, insightful post today and I also keep wanting to share some of the great articles I’ve read lately (my file of things to blog about has reached epic proportions). I also have stacks of draft posts partially written and waiting to be polished and posted. And, then, I realized that this feeling–at least in the moment–was primarily rooted in “should” and that what I really want to do today is to take a break, to rest, to read and to wallow in my stacks of books, and to maybe make some art. So, just a quick update post sharing some pictures from today and from our homeschool field trip to the Botanical Garden in St. Louis (we also had another appointment at the pediatric dentist for Alaina since the filling that I was so happy about last week fell out the following day. This trip was pretty traumatic–she was restrained in the baby wrap thing and it was awful for us both–but it’s over now and so I’m not going to spend any more time thinking about it).

So, Mother’s Day. Mark made me this beautiful new pendant with birthstones included for all the kids:

We went to the flower communion at my little UU church and the boys surprised me with new lilies to plant. They also made me great cards–Lann’s has a cool drawing of the Goddess of Willendorf and Zander’s has a sweet note saying, “I love MOOM” ;-D Mark picked up sushi for lunch and we took it home to eat.

I made a new three generations polymer clay goddess sculpture for my mom to replace the one I’d made for her after Alaina’s birth that got accidentally broken. I actually like this one better than the original. It is only the second three generations sculptures I’ve ever made–she’s special!

The delightful reasons I’m a mother! (picture taken by my aunt during her visit last month–I just love it!)

Now some pictures from our homeschool field trip to the Missouri Botanical Garden:

Serious watchage of koi…

With friends in a model canoe!

With friends in a model covered wagon!

Laina’s big enough to climb all the way up the stairs in the watchtower by the shrubbery maze!

Koi feeding was a major hit with all.

Different day–trying to show some cute corduroy pants I bought at a yard sale when I was pregnant with Zander. I later gave them to my friend when she had a girl saying that I was probably never going to end up using them since I probably wouldn’t end up ever having a girl. Last week when I visited my friend on my birthday, she gave the pants back to me! How special! So, I had to put them on Alaina even though it is really too hot for them right now.

In other news, it’s a good month for publications! My peer-reviewed journal article about prenatal yoga was published in the International Journal of Childbirth Education this month and my review of The Five Ways We Grieve appeared in the same issue. And, my articles for the journal Restoration Earth about breastfeeding as a feminist issue and parenting as a spiritual practice should be out next week! I’m really proud of both of those articles, because they represent something of a departure from my typical audience as well as a somewhat different twist on some of my usual topics. That said, a lot of the content of both articles have roots in posts I wrote for this blog, so perhaps it isn’t much of a departure after all. In fact, when I posted about these publications on Facebook earlier in the week, I had this realization:

In case anyone is wondering, “how did she have time for articles while grading those 50 papers,” I didn’t. I revised the ICEA articles in December (from an article originally written in 2007 and a review written for my blog in 2010) and I wrote the two for Restoration Earth in March on my break from class (again pieced together from blog posts written over several years). Not that I need to explain myself, but this writing/publishing thing is not a quick process and I think sometimes people think I just magically write articles and have them appear in print that same month. And, these publications prove to me again that my blog is not a waste of time at all–all kinds of article seeds are found there! 🙂 Go, bloggers! You’re producing a genuine body of work!

Since writing the above, I also thought about how many seeds for my dissertation can probably also be found here. Though the bulk of my writing for it is probably still a couple of years away, I’m constantly finding articles and quotes and having thoughts and ideas related to my dissertation subject and I will continue to collect and store them in this way as the ideas deepen, grow, and expand.
—
*blessing modified slightly from the original.

Polymer Clay Goddess Experiments

May13

A couple of months ago, I attempted to branch out from my usual style of polymer clay goddess figures (see past birth art posts). I’m not particularly satisfied with any of them, but I had this post saved in my drafts to share pictures of them anyway! I have some new translucent sculpey that I’ve been working with without very satisfactory results. It is stickier and meltier than regular sculpey, which makes it a challenge to work with. The figures don’t hold their shapes/poses as well while baking and the clay also folds into itself and sticks very firmly and it is hard to reposition/refigure things after having let it stick accidentally before you’re ready). Anyway, I tried to make this sort of “siren” (double-tailed mermaid) figure first and she’s all right:

I also tried a figure using only the translucent sculpey. She turned out looking like she should glow in the dark!

I also had a vision of making a sculpture with a small “offering bowl” in which you could place a crystal or something else. She kind of sagged over to one side in the oven though. She is my first figure with a face too!

So, I tried again. This one sits on her own (leaning back very far), but I burned her by mistake!

So, I tried one more time. This one I used gold pigment on and I don’t really like how she turned out either. Back to the drawing (sculpting) board, I guess. After this third attempt I kind of gave up on my vision and haven’t tried to make any more in this style again.

At the same time that I was experimenting with these figures, I also experimented with using a rubber stamp and pigment to make a flat disk of sculpey with the embossed sort of impression of my Goddess of Willendorf stamp on it. I then used that disk when I took a class in making a stained glass panel:

My panel is on the left and Mark’s is on the right:

Then, this past weekend I became ordained as a priestess (more about this later) and after that ceremony I decided to make another figure to add to my series. I’ve never made a standing figure before and she needs some work. I’m lukewarm about her–she didn’t turn out the way I’d envisioned and I need to experiment some more before I really add her to my series of 3-D journaling sculptures.

3-D Journaling

Apr14

After writing my recent post about the resuming of my cycle post-baby, I felt the urge to add a new figure to my ongoing birth art series of polymer clay goddess sculptures. I am the only person I know of who has done a series of sculptures like this and it feels like it is essentially a 3-D art “journal” representing different points in my life. I wonder if I will continue to feel like adding to it in future years. I could end up with quite a crowd! My new figure has an appropriately dark red stone in her belly and a clear stone in her hands—this represents the womb-moon connection. I colored her with silver and blue pigments also as representative of the moon.

The stone I set in her belly is kind of small and thus hard to see from this angle.

I then took an updated photo of the whole series in order. Other pictures of the whole series are in this post.

As a further evolution in the series and of my own process, at their request, I showed two friends how to make polymer clay goddess sculptures today and we each made a figure.

This has been a very personal process for me and it was interesting and challenging in some ways to share it with others. The gold figure is mine and the other two were my friends' first forays into polymer clay goddess-making!

And, here we are holding our sculptures! 🙂

Maybe next time I should try making a little step-by-step photo tutorial or video and further share this process of polymer clay goddess life/art journalling with others!

A Virtual Mother Blessing for Molly Westerman!

Apr10

I spy...a pregnant woman ready for some honor and celebration!

In 2007, I started blogging for Citizens for Midwifery and one of my favorite blogs was a little gem then called Feminist Childbirth Studies. The blog’s author, Molly Westerman, later became more public with her blogging identity and began writing her current blog, First the Egg, a feminist resource on pregnancy, birth, and parenting. I enjoy her thought-provoking writing, her insight into birth culture and politics, and the glimpses of her family’s life in a nonsexist home. She’s smart, funny, interesting, and she’s also pregnant with her second baby and due any time now! I think every mother deserves a blessingway or mother blessing ceremony and I’m pleased to hostess a virtual blessingway for Molly. There is a tight turnaround since her anticipated birth time is so close, so if you read this and think, “I’d like to do something…” immediately stop thinking and just DO IT!

During my last pregnancy, Molly offered multiple supportive comments in response to my various musings, anxieties and fears as a pregnancy-after-loss mama (even though she didn’t have personal experience with PAL, she did know the right things to say!) Her comments, particularly one about the fact that I was doing this, meant a lot to me. I’ve now followed her current very physically challenging pregnancy with interest and long-distance support/rooting her on as she prepares for the homebirth of her new baby this month. I’m happy to have the chance to offer her a little more encouragement and love through this virtual mother blessing.

Here’s how you can participate:

Email me with your…

Words of support, affirmation, encouragement for Molly–either written or recorded (think about what you’d say face-to-face at a ceremony and then, if you have a smartphone, use the handy dandy microphone tool and talk into as if you were speaking directly to Molly in a mother blessing circle. After your voice memo is recorded, choose “share” and send it to me!)
Favorite birthy readings/poems/etc. (again could be written or recorded)
Birth art (i.e. a picture of something you drew, or you can mail Molly an actual drawing–see below).
Beads or charms for a birth bracelet/necklace–if you’d like to do this, email me for Molly’s address and then mail it now, so there is a chance she will receive it before the birth. I figure that all postpartum mamas can use ongoing doses of birth power energy anyway, so even if it gets to her post-birth, that’s cool too!

As I mentioned, there is tight turnaround on this, so on Tuesday of next week, I will gather everything that has been emailed to me and send it to Molly as a “blessingway in your inbox.” 🙂

Getting closer and closer to birthing day...

If you are curious to learn more about mother blessings, click here to read other posts I’ve written about them.

Toddler Birth Art

Feb8

As I look at these drawings by my older son at ages 2.5 and 3.5, I feel quite a pang. This time has passed. He is eight now. He hasn’t drawn a picture like this in years. I didn’t fully realize at the time that he was drawing them that it was a one shot deal—looking at them gives me that familiar feeling of, but that was SO REAL. That was my life and my toddler and now our life landscape is a totally different one. Obviously, I guess I did have some recognition of the one shot nature, because I did save the drawings and have them to share this much later. In the first two pictures, which he drew before I gave birth to his brother, I love how the baby’s eyes match the mother’s.

I love how the baby looks like it is "floating" in this one.

After Zander was born, Lann got a little older and a little more skillful at drawing. I forget exactly when he drew this one, it was sometime during Z’s first year I think, and is obviously based on Lann’s own observations of the birth, rather than just the idea of “mama’s got a baby in there.”

Love the placenta in a bowl and the baby attached to the mama with cord (yes, I know the two are mutually exclusive, but I love these details anyway!)

I forget if I’ve ever shared Lann’s version of his own birth story here. I asked him about it when he was about two (so, before he’d ever seen a birth). Do you remember being born? He immediately said yes and I asked him what it was like. He said:

Swimming.
Swimming down out of mama.
Crying.
Nursies.
Happy now!

This was a surprisingly accurate thumbnail snapshot of his birth. He cried when only his head was born. I brought him to my chest and said, totally instinctively with no pre-planning of the name, “do you want some nursies, baby?” and he immediately latched on and nursed. 🙂

These pictures and these thoughts are exactly why I write so much and why I have a semi-obsession with storing papers, drawings, writings, the printed word (I joke about being a personal archivist), it is because seeing them or reading what I’ve written later, brings that so real feeling back to me and that life that I lived, those babies that I raised, are vivid again, rather than faded, fuzzy, or forgotten.

Guardian of the Womb

Feb7

While I experienced my first miscarriage-birth as a powerfully transformative experience, my second miscarriage in 2010 was a terrible blow that brought me into a very dark and distressed place. I still have never managed to write much about this, even in my miscarriage blog/book. Following the second loss, I started reading a really wonderful book called Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent. It contains many visualization exercises centered around healing our “pelvic wounds” and connecting with our “pelvic bowl.” One exercise was about visualizing the “guardian of the womb.” As I read the phrase that night in bed, I immediately experienced a strong, clear image of a black, stone goddess figure with upraised arms and a stylized jackal head. At first, I was saddened by the image, feeling that my subconscious had identified my uterus with Anubis, the God of Death, rather than a place of life and birth. I felt shaken by this spontaneous “vision” and felt like my body was perhaps telling me I would never have another living baby. However, I also intuitively felt like the figure I had seen was not, itself, threatening, but was actually serene and beautiful. After thinking about it for several days, I did a little internet research, wondering if there was a female Anubis or Goddess Anubis, since the “womb guardian” with the jackal head that I had seen was distinctly a female figure. I then discovered that apparently Anubis had a wife, not well known or much explored, named Anput. As I read about her, my heart eased and the message from my body about my womb’s guardian became a deeply meaningful message of comfort rather than despair—Anput was referred to as, “Guide and Guardian. A Bringer of Life and Order.”

I felt like maybe I should put a caution on this post–Warning: approaching woo-tastic territory–but then I decided that there was no need to denigrate or joke about something that was profoundly meaningful to me, even if it doesn’t involve language or imagery that speaks to everyone. Because it feels so personal and private, for a long time I kept the experience to myself. Then, I ended up writing about it for a class and found that I did feel ready to share the experience with others. It is interesting to me how there are some topics that require a significant amount of distance before I feel brave enough to write about them “out loud.” (I still haven’t managed to publish my part two article in my series on postpartum experiences/feelings and the things I wrote about in that post happened over four years ago! I also feel an urge recently to try to write about my experiences with tearing during my births–another one of those topics that is emotionally complicated and makes me scared almost to explore in writing.)

So, why did I bother writing about this womb guardian experience now? Well, because this weekend I felt moved to add to my birth art sculpture collection again, that’s why. I am extremely pleased with my new figure and I wanted to share her via my blog, but didn’t feel like she would make any sense without some explanation 🙂

Child’s birth art

Feb4

As I continue to embark on decluttering projects during my Facebook retreat, I found this awesome little drawing saved in one of my notebooks. I think it was drawn by my older son when he was about three:

I love her smiling face and that birth was/is such a normal thing to him.