Two!

Jan21

Bear with me as I continue with my string of personal posts. I have some super good birth-philosophy and postpartum-oriented posts planned for the coming weeks, but first I need to spend just a little more time swooning over my baby (I mean big girl!). I know I already posted about her birthday, but I since I wrote the post prior to the actual day, it didn’t include any pictures from her actual birthday:

: We had a work party on Alaina’s birthday and she helped the other women put plaster on the interior walls!

: Actually working with the work party 🙂

: Barn from grandma Carla!

: Riding scooter with her friend and pulling wagon full of toys.

: Awesome troll tea set from my aunt!

: New doll from my mom and new purple doll Ergo from me.

: A little self-conscious about all this being sung to!

: Having a tea party with the brothers!

: Aww! 🙂

One thing I noticed on her birthday was very gendered gift choices. I see this, have feminist philosophies about it, and yet still totally participate in it! This is why I will never claim that kids just “naturally” choose certain toys and are “naturally” different from the beginning, because I think it is impossible to separate out what is actually a “natural choice” and what is very actively constructed or promoted from the environment and people around you. One thing I do admit about Alaina that is very stereotypically “girl” is the obsession with changing clothes—she picks out new underwear to wear several times a day and chooses new clothes multiple times a day as well, sometimes specifically asking for something that is “pretty” or “sparkly.” This is not something that I feel like I am actively cultivating in her (because, it is frustrating, really!). I AM actively contributing to her interest in dolls, babies, and baby care stuff, because I like those things too! And, it is fun! And, I also bought dolls and baby care stuff for my boys when they were this age too (and, they too, baby wore. I didn’t buy them an expensive doll carrier though—but, I did make them a homemade mei tai and let them wear my slings with dolls in them).

Here is a very short (22 second) video of Alaina on her birthday answering the question, “how old are you?” 🙂

She’s such a joy. I can honestly say that there has not yet been a single day of her life that I haven’t marveled at and cherished her. She is annoying sometimes too and frustrating and overwhelming and I want to “get away” sometimes, but she has spent every single day of her existence being treasured, loved, and having me spend conscious moments in total appreciation of her.

And, back on topic, today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! I read a friend’s blog post this morning and she included this favorite quote:

“Everybody can be great, because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” –Martin Luther King, Jr.

I don’t actually use this quote in my own article, but it made me think of our “small stones” of birth activism and so in honor of the day I am re-sharing my Small Stone Birth Activism post:

While reading the book The Mother Trip by Ariel Gore, I came across this quote from civil rights activist Alice Walker: “It has become a common feeling, I believe, as we have watched our heroes failing over the years, that our own small stone of activism, which might not seem to measure up to the rugged boulders of heroism we have so admired, is a paltry offering toward the building of an edifice of hope. Many who believe this choose to withhold their offerings out of shame. This is the tragedy of our world.” Ariel adds her own thoughts to this: “Remember: as women, as mothers, we cannot not work. Put aside your ideas that your work should be something different or grander than it is. In each area of your life—in work, art, child-rearing, gardening, friendships, politics, love, and spirituality—do what you can do. That’s enough. Your small stone is enough.”

These quotes caused me to reflect on the myriad methods of “small stone” birth activism that can be engaged in as a passionate birth activist mother embroiled in a season of her life in which the needs of her own young family take precedence over “changing the world”…

via Small Stone Birth Activism | Talk Birth.

Happy Birthday, Big (little) Girl!

Jan19

Happy Second Birthday!

How can it be that TWO YEARS ago I was giving birth in my living room to my precious baby girl? Has it really been that long ago that I felt that intense, sweet relief at her living presence and the knowing that I DID IT and we were both okay?

Here’s what our world is like right now with this little treasure in it:

Can talk now. I worried a little about her speech and whether she was “ever” going to talk. She does now, though not in sentences and not with fluency. But, man, she can say all kinds of words. Like…
Says yes adorably (“jes” or “dash”/d-yes kind of)
Says things like: thank you, dude, spicy, sparkly, birthday (also poop, butt, and boob)
Says “um…” I didn’t know that started this early! And, because of our jobs, Mark and I have worked pretty hard to cull this from our own speaking, so I’m surprised she’s picking it up anyway.
Still has sour milk/yogurt baby breath. I love it!
Skip-hop-gallops to do or get things.
Seemed to call me bratty yesterday when I was whining about her not going to bed! 😦
In another “bad mom” confession, a couple of days ago she was being aggravating about going to sleep and was nursing really roughly, etc. and I was crabby at her and said, “what is wrong with you?” and she said, “Done, mama.” And, I said, “you’re done with mama?!” and she said, “JES!”
Nurses around ten times a day–is pretty rough and I’m getting pretty fed up with being manhandled and abused!
Loves having rituals and setting up candles. (Says, “ommmm” while doing so)
Remains a night owl and is routinely up til midnight.
Clearly self-identifies as one of the kids–runs to join in with everything. Will do yoga and gymnastics, carefully studying and imitating.
Tuesday hit big girl milestone in that I left her (and the boys) with a friend for 1.5 hours in between me leaving for class and Mark picking them up. First time in nongrandparental care. She did a really good job and was happy and played like one of the kids!
Rides scooter under own power, but also cackling with glee if someone else zooms her around!
Knows some colors and can count to three (or, at least two). Blue is favorite.
Has thing for “pretty” clothes and wants to change clothes, choose own outfits in dramatically different way than I’ve been used to with prior children.
Loves dolls and real babies. Loves, loves them. I may actually have to have another baby just so I can give it to her.

: I’m so glad she has nearby grandparents who dote on her precious self too!

: I already have used a similar version of this photo (the other, non-kissing one, is like my favorite picture of the year! See 1000 Words: https://talkbirth.me/2012/11/15/1000-words/)

: Likes cats!

: Is funny! And, loves brothers.

: Has a good daddy!

: Is silly!

: Sets up rituals!

: Stalks babies! This baby is her favorite baby of all. She loves him and harrasses his mother relentlessly for access to him.

: Zooms on scooter!

: Has sparkling juice at midnight as we usher in 2013!

: Steps right up and crafts “medicine bundle” for New Year’s Eve activity.

: LOVES books. Loves them. Wants many read to her every time she lays down. Best ones have dogs in them, or flaps she can lift to find stuff. Is patient enough to listen to actual words being read and not just look at pictures.

: Helps make own birthday cake!

Here’s what I wrote when she was born. And, about her birth. And, here’s what I wrote on her first birthday.

Video of first “dude” saying (plus, bonus “boob” thrown in for good measure):

I think it is officially time to stop saying I have a baby. I have a two-year little girl now!

Happy birthday, sweetness!

Family Mandala Project

Jan18

As I’ve mentioned a couple of times, my family participates in a work-party co-op with four other families who live within the same 20 mile stretch of highway. We alternate houses every other weekend and work on each other’s household projects (for example, tomorrow we are building interior walls at a straw bale house as well as plastering the inside of the exterior, bale walls. Earlier this month, the men put underpinning on the bottom of a family’s mobile home to weather proof it for the winter, while the women made soup and muffins, finished our family mandala project, and had a birthday party—including rocking homemade Creeper pinatas—for one of the kids inside). Each family gets about 5 turns at their own house per year and goes to another family’s house about 20 times. While we’re not perfect, I really feel like this work party has been one of richest blessings of the past year for our family collectively. I hope to write more about it for an article someday, because we’ve created something pretty rewarding that seems fairly unique. At the beginning of December, we decided to invite the members of our work party co-op over for a winter solstice/New Year family ritual. We wanted to have a family project to do together and Mark and I came up with the idea of creating a family crest or mandala. My dad made a wooden circle for each family and each family designed their own “family symbol” to put in the center. Then, at our next work party we each added our family symbol to every other family’s circle—so, the end result was each family’s personal symbol in the middle, flanked by the mini-version symbol of each other family…

Perhaps a picture will illustrate this better…

See what I mean now? 🙂

For my own family’s symbol, it was important to me to communicate that we each have our own paths (labyrinth) and our own unique gifts (tiny personal symbol each), but that together we make a beautiful whole. We had some debate with the kids about what personal symbol to include for them. It was important to me that it be something they genuinely wanted to include and not my idealized conception of what it should look like (i.e. a peaceful waterfall or something!). Lann, of course, wanted a Creeper head and Zander opted for a “Wolfgang” head. Wolfgang is Z’s kind of alter ego/imaginary friend/invented character. Wolfgang is awesome. He doesn’t feature as prominently in Zander’s narratives as he used to, but he was really important for a while there. My favorite Wolfgang story is this: “When Wolfgang rides an airplane, he stands on the wings. And, when he jumps off, he lands standing up on a skateboard. Rolling in lava…” So, that little brown devilish looking face is supposed to kind of capture Wolfgang. The rainbow is for Alaina, the gem is for Mark, the footprints are for Noah, and the seated mountain pose goddess is for me. The four other work party family’s mandalas surround ours (on on theirs, ours surrounds theirs).

After we got home from the work party, I decided to embellish the white space around ours:

When we came up with this idea, I originally envisioned them eventually hanging over the front door of each family…

It doesn’t actually work for each family to do that, but it did for us…

After we hung it up, as I looked at it I said, “hey, this as a whole is our work party symbol!” Each family is unique and beautiful on their own, but when we join together, we create something bigger and more lovely than we could on our own. That basic truth is what underlies the whole functioning of work party and it is cool to see it symbolically represented above the door. I look forward to having these families come over during the year and add more of their handprints to our walls…

Holiday Pictures

Jan14

Now that the first week of January has passed, the holidays seem like a distant memory! However, I purposely took several pictures with the intention of doing a personal holiday-in-review post, since it also seems unfortunately easy to forget favorite gifts of the season. So, here are some photos from our family’s Christmas in 2012!

: I actually had a chance to spend some time dressing some of my dolls up in their holiday finery!

: Nursing Alaina while she nurses her Breast Milk Baby doll!

: New clubhouse for the kids! (this was their 2012 solstice goal and we got it done just in time!)

: Plenty of room for a punching bag in the clubhouse!

: Zander lost his first (natural) tooth during Christmas Eve dinner!

: Best. Present. Ever! My aunt gave Alaina a purse full of tiny purses–each purse had something in it like a necklace or a bracelet or a little item and she worked so hard unzipping everything and putting on her adornments!

: Feeling very pleased with a great ebay, antique find from my sister! (photobombed by Creeper hat)

: Knock, knock. A little elf is visiting her grandparents!

: My new sculpture found a home outside the front door.

: Magic expanding socks from my aunt!

: Felt lunch made by my mom!

: Awesome felt food by my mom for Alaina.

: The boys sitting on their new twist scooters and sporting Creeper hats made by my mom and zombie sock monkeys made by her friend.

: Lovely new chalice for my altar (hand thrown by my mom, the potter)

: My sister in law made this sweet unicorn for Alaina.

: Custom ordered birthstone pendant by Home Baby Crafts.

: I gave myself a sweet new “Medicine Healer” ring 🙂

: Ah, my husband is such a good present buyer 🙂 (I got a Kitchen Aid too, but didn’t take a picture of it)

: Books! Why, yes, please!

: More books!

: Outfitted with new skirt, new gloves, new necklace, and rockin twist scooter.

: Conked out on Christmas night!

“May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder”

–J. Donohue

2012 Book List

Jan4

Some of the books I got for Christmas, waiting to be delved into!

More delights just longing for attention!

I actually got started in blogging through my now-defunct book blog. And, I used to keep a running list in a notebook of books I read each year and then transcribe it at the end of the year. That was a pain. So, I eventually I realized I could use Goodreads as my booklist AND save myself a lot of work and energy by copying and pasting from that list, rather than typing it all up by hand. Go, me! I usually read between 100-150 books a year. This is mainly because I have had a nursling for nine years now and I read at naptime and bedtime every day. I also naturally read very fast and always have. My reading was down this year though because I got an ipad last January and while I do use the Kindle app on it to read books, I also am much more likely to start poking around on the internet instead. This is something I’d like to change in 2013! I’m noticing my personal pendulum swinging back more to print books rather than digital books and at any one moment I have at least three stacks of books-in-progress, dotted around the house.

At the beginning of December I noticed that my 2012 book list at Goodreads only had 95 books read on it! Yikes! So, I picked up the pace and read five more, bringing my yearly total up to a nice, even 100 by the end of the year 🙂

Here’s my list! If there is an associated review already published here, that is noted in the review column. What were your favorite reads of 2012?

title	review/notes	date
Women’s Medicine Ways: Cross Cultural Rites Of Passage		Dec 27, 2012
Mother Wit: A Guide to Healing & Psychic Development		Dec 26, 2012
Desert Priestess: A Memoir	Loved this book! Beautifully written in a very honest manner the narrative includes her self-doubts and follies as well as her priestessly moments. My heart is yearning to take a pilgrimage to the desert now, as well as to further deepen and refine my own priestess path.	Dec 26, 2012
Woman’s Magic: Rituals, Meditations, and Magical Ways to Enrich Your Life	Mediocre.	Dec 25, 2012
Voices of the Goddess: A Chorus of Sibyls	Very good!	Dec 25, 2012
Living Goddess Spirituality, a Feminine Divine Priestess Handbook	This is a wonderful book! Lots of good resources and thoughtful commentary. Some critiques in that some of the print is extremely tiny, some material is repeated from the previous book, there is quite a bit of repetitiveness, and not all suggestions are fully developed (I.e. for each goddess there are multiple “workshops” suggested which include things like making various items. However, no further information or instructions for most of these things are included).I don’t usually connect strongly with individual goddess imagery, but the way in which this book was written brought in the significance of many different goddess images and I found myself learning and thinking about specific goddesses in different ways. I also loved all the different chants, ritual outlines, and invocations included. Really great pictures and some beautiful art enhance the book.Great circle resource and good resource for Priestesses!	Dec 23, 2012
Mothers of Thyme: Customs and Rituals of Infertility and Miscarriage	This book wasn’t what I expected or hoped for. It is all obscure historical and cultural “rituals” like eat three raw eggs mixed with bat dung while standing under the banana tree on the new moon, types of things. Some things are really interesting to read about from a historical perspective, but there is nothing of relevance to creating ceremony/acknowledgement for mothers today. It is definitely a history/anthropology book more than a miscarriage resource.	Nov 20, 2012
Sacred Circles: A Guide To Creating Your Own Women’s Spirituality Group	I’ve read this twice. It was the first book I bought on women’s spirituality/women’s circles and despite much MORE reading and training since originally buying the book, including ordination as a priestess, i still discovered new insights on second reading. Contains great quotes from various other authors also and good bibliography. My only critique is that the section on example rituals could use a lot more detail.	Nov 11, 2012
Hard Eight (Stephanie Plum, #8)	Listened to audio book version.	Nov 08, 2012
Ten Big Ones (Stephanie Plum, #10)	Listened to audio version. Evanovich books are perfect for audio–light and fun enough to keep you entertained on a commute and you don’t have to “waste” serious reading time on them, just already-wasted in the car time! These books are like “dessert” for me after all the nonfiction and academic reading I do. So, they’re a fun treat and I love Lorelai King’s reading of them!	Nov 08, 2012
Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum, #11)	Listened to audio book version.	Nov 08, 2012
Ecofeminist Philosophy: A Western Perspective on What It Is and Why It Matters	Read for Ecofeminism class.	Nov 08, 2012
Reweaving the World: The Emergence of Ecofeminism	Read for Ecofeminism class.	Nov 07, 2012
Feed (Newsflesh, #1)	Read for book club.	Nov 07, 2012
Zoe & Zak and the Ghost Leopard	Read this aloud to my boys, ages 9 and 6. The six year old’s attention wandered during it, as did my own, and it took a long time to finish–the book has lots of, IMO, unnecessary description and repetitiveness. It was an interesting story overall though with a variety of twists and lots of action. The nine year old voted five stars very enthusiastically though saying he “loved it!”, so I told him that’s what I’d put in!	Nov 07, 2012
Casting the Circle: A Women’s Book of Ritual	Loved it! Great resource. Includes words to a variety of chants as well as outlines for a number of rituals for a variety of purposes. Differentiates between Women’s Spirituality and Wicca in a way that some pagan books seem to miss/ignore, though assumes more overlap/congruence between the two than I, personally, have experienced or perceived.	Oct 14, 2012
The Thundering Years: Rituals and Sacred Wisdom for Teens	Excellent resource! Empowering, insightful, and creative.	Sep 20, 2012
Shamanism: Guide for Life (New Life Library	Short and basic.	Sep 16, 2012
Grandmother Moon		Sep 14, 2012
The Queen of My Self: Women Stepping Into Sovereignty in Midlife		Sep 09, 2012
Walking an Ancient Path: Rebirthing Goddess on Planet Earth		Sep 03, 2012
Ethics & Professional Practice for Clergy		Aug 29, 2012
Pushing for Midwives: Homebirth Mothers and the Reproductive Rights Movement	Book Review: Pushing for Midwives	Aug 27, 2012
The Goddess Celebrates: An Anthology Of Women’s Rituals	Very good resource!	Aug 27, 2012
The Power of Ritual	Basic, but interesting and well-written.	Aug 20, 2012
Living In The Lap of Goddess: The Feminist Spirituality Movement in America	Read for a class.	Aug 18, 2012
Rituals for Our Times: Celebrating, Healing, and Changing Our Lives and Our Relationships	There were some good things about this book about the meaning, value, purpose, and role of ritual in family life. I lost interest about halfway through and ended up skimming the second half. While it does contain some planning lists/worksheets for considering your own family rituals, the overall emphasis is on short vignettes of how other families have coped with challenges or occasions in their own lives. Also, the focus is on very conventional, mainstream “ritual” occasions–birthdays, anniversaries, holidays–rather than on life cycle rites of passage and other more spiritual transitions in one’s life.	Aug 18, 2012
Walking Your Walk: A Woman’s Guide to a Spirit Filled Life	Totally forgettable.	Aug 16, 2012
Awakening To The Spirit World: The Shamanic Path Of Direct Revelation	Great that it comes with a CD! Tedious towards the end and I found myself losing interest/skimming. Not as readily practical as some other shamanic books.	Aug 14, 2012
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks	Read for book club. Extremely interesting book covering a subject I had very little to no prior knowledge of–written in a conversational style that is paced like a novel.	Aug 11, 2012
Ariadne’s Thread: A Workbook of Goddess Magic	Loved this book! Accidentally found it after accidentally finding Shekhinah’s cool Womanrunes system. Enjoying reading older books on Goddess spirituality lately. Lots of great stuff to be gleaned from less well-known works.	Jul 31, 2012
Sacred Ceremony: Create and Officiate Personalized Wedding Ceremonies	Excellent resource for officiants (couples too). Jumps right into the basics of wedding ceremonies (no long intro or background, immediately to the meat of the book). Clearly and concisely written. Contains “spiritual” (actually, Abrahamic religion oriented) and “non-spiritual” (humanist) examples for each segment of a wedding ceremony (I.e. opening words, declaration of intent, vows, rings, closing blessing…).	Jul 30, 2012
Joining Hands and Hearts: Interfaith, Intercultural Wedding Celebrations: A Practical Guide for Couples	Good resource with many ideas for couples and officiants. Skimmed second half which has examples of specific traditions/ceremonies.	Jul 30, 2012
Wedding Blessings: Prayers and Poems Celebrating Love, Marriage and Anniversaries	Short collection of primarily quotes/readings for use during weddings. Only one real example of vows/ceremony. Useful for browsing for love/marriage/anniversary quotes, not very useful for actually planning a wedding ceremony.	Jul 28, 2012
The Midwife of Hope River	Book Review: The Midwife of Hope River	Jul 27, 2012
The Heart of the Fire	Read for book club and have mixed feelings–could take it or leave for roughly first 200 pages and then got more enraptured and couldn’t put it down by the end. A bit erratic (and eccentric–is supposed to be the author’s past-life experiences) and sometimes extraordinarily romance-novel-esque what with all the heaving and bodice-ripping *Spoiler warning*For those who, like me, prefer to avoid horrible scenes of brutal rape and torture, I suggest skipping pages 466-490, at minimum.	Jul 10, 2012
Seven Up (Stephanie Plum, #7)	Listened to audio version. Hated the narrator of this one (different than the first six and the following books–obviously, I’m not the only hater). She also pronounces Eddie’s last name as “DeCooch,” which I found distracting.	Jul 07, 2012
New Age and Armageddon: The Goddess or the Gurus?: Towards a Feminist Vision of the Future	Very interesting look at the incompatibilities between “New Age” philosophies and thoughts and feminist spirituality and Goddess perspectives.	Jul 07, 2012
Laughter of Aphrodite	Subtitled, “reflections on a journey to the Goddess,” I was anticipating a more personal, chronological narrative. Instead, this is mainly a collection of essays/papers/presentations about various aspects of Goddess spirituality. Many of them are interesting, some are from other sources. I discovered a lot that was worthwhile in this book, but it wasn’t what I was anticipating reading and so I ended up feeling disappointed also.	Jun 29, 2012
Goddess Spirituality for the 21st Century: From Kabbalah to Quantum Physics		Jun 17, 2012
Goddess Matters: The Mystical, Practical, & Controversial	About half of the material seemed recycled from previous books?	Jun 17, 2012
The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth	Book Review: The Gift of Giving Life	Jun 15, 2012
Birth on the Labyrinth Path: Sacred Embodiment in the Childbearing Year	Review: Birth on the Labyrinth Path	Jun 12, 2012
Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement		Jun 11, 2012
Janet Evanovich: High Five, Hot Six (Stephanie Plum, #5-6)	Fun to listen to audio book versions on my commute!	Jun 07, 2012
Our Stories of Miscarriage: Healing with Words	Very good book. I wish I had read it when my miscarriages were in process rather than now, in retrospect. This is a collection of personal stories, essays, poems, and reflections about miscarriage and stillbirth (mostly miscarriage). Most of the stories are written by women and there are a handful written by fathers. The stories of other women reaching out across the page and across the years is a beautiful gift to all the women to follow who find themselves joining the same, unwanted “club.” I identified with the closing journal entry reflecting on, “all the women who comforted me with stories…a sorority of sorrow, these women, and now myself among them, moving past the pain to find a jagged peace in comforting another suffering sister.” (Edgren, p. 184)	Jun 04, 2012
Sacred Pregnancy: A Loving Guide and Journal for Expectant Moms	Book Review: Sacred Pregnancy	Jun 03, 2012
Goddess Meditations		Jun 03, 2012
Beloved	Read for book club. Kind of hated. Should have done two stars.	Jun 02, 2012
Relationship Status	Clever short story. Amusing and scary look at social media of the future–takes on a life of its own!	May 25, 2012
The Sidhe Princess	Didn’t realize it was a short story and was very caught off guard when it suddenly ended. Good character development in such a small size. Interesting story that kept me turning pages!	May 25, 2012
Semper	Really enjoyed this fast-paced YA dystopian novel. The main character is sometimes frustrating in his inaction/puzzlement, but overall it was a great read. Very quick with pacing–sometimes hard to keep up with everything that is going on. Keeps you on the edge of your seat and turning pages. Two great female characters and an interesting secondary character I didn’t expect to see continue as part of the action.	May 21, 2012
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Harry Potter, #6)	Enjoyed listening to the unabridged audio edition in the car with my boys.	May 19, 2012
Moon Time	Delightful resource for the empowered woman! I read this one twice this year. Book Review: Moon Time	May 19, 2012
This Mother’s Life	Book Review: This Mother’s Life	May 16, 2012
The Memory Palace	Read for book club	May 09, 2012
To Err is Common	Book Review: To Err is Common	May 06, 2012
Threads That Bind	Interesting, fast-paced, and with some twists. Unresolved ending setting you up for book two.	Apr 29, 2012
Asenath		Apr 29, 2012
Minimalism: Essential Essays		Apr 27, 2012
Night of the Purple Moon		Apr 27, 2012
Latitude 38	I found this book very engrossing, suspenseful, and well-written. It is not a feel-good tale though. Pretty gruesome, violent, and ultimately hopeless/depressing. Don’t wait for a happy ending! It reminded me of Hunger Games in overall tone and structure, but was more depressing.I agree with other reviewers who have noted that you don’t find out any more about what is happening politically than you read in the Amazon description (which gives you actually more info than the book itself about the domestic situation).As a Missouri native, I enjoyed the element that Missouri is the line between the two halves of the nation and it is familiar Missouri topography that must be navigated on the characters’ flight from the oppressive half of the divided US. The implication is that it split along political lines, with the conservatives holding one half and the secular/liberal side holding the other half. Since we never actually spend any time in the secular half, we never know if it is really doing as good as they hope it is, but the conservative half as it evolved in this tale is certainly not a state that I would ever want to live in!	Apr 25, 2012
Goddess Initiation: A Practical Celtic Program for Soul-Healing, Self-Fulfillment & Wild Wisdom	Did not like at all. Sounded cool. Was not.	Apr 18, 2012
Pagan Family: Handing the Old Ways Down	I don’t really consider myself to be pagan, but I have been looking for ideas for family-friendly rituals and seasonal celebrations. This book was a good resource with a variety of ideas, readings, and rituals as well as some instructions for craft projects.	Apr 15, 2012
Trickster’s Choice (Daughter of the Lioness, #1)	Listened to unabridged audio edition during my commute and loved it. Kept thinking about the story in between drives. I was a huge fan of Alanna as a kid (my own daughter is named Alaina, actually!) and Aly is also an enjoyable character. As I listened, I kept being curious about the spelling of names, thinking that, based on hearing them pronounced, they’d certainly be difficult to decode while reading–from other reviews, I think I was right! Semi-predictable, but with some twists and intrigue and interesting characters galore!Some familiar Tortallan characters make small appearances, but don’t expect to spend too much time with the Lioness or anyone else from Alanna’s books.**I think the item description is supposed to say “impressive heritage,” right?! George and Alanna might have been hard on Aly, but they weren’t “oppressive”!	Apr 09, 2012
Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries: Intuitive Ritual Creation	Great resource!	Apr 08, 2012
On the Right Path: Walking Through God to Get to	Interesting personal memoir of the author’s spiritual journey. Good insights into a model of Christianity that doesn’t work (for her) and to a solitary Wiccan path that does. Writing style is a little erratic/uneven and some of the anecdotes were a little “out there.” The author is clearly very committed to her spiritual development and watching her progress was interesting and engaging.	Mar 31, 2012
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Tales of Terror	Read for book club.	Mar 30, 2012
Fire of the Goddess: Nine Paths to Ignite the Sacred Feminine	I really enjoyed this book overall. The first half was stronger than the second, but it picked up again by the end. Fire of the Goddess explores 9 goddess archetypes and includes visualization/meditation exercises for each, followed by an illustrative story, and then a combination of exercises/assignments/ritual. One of the best things about this book was that the ideas for activities were very creative and interesting and not just a rehash of other ideas. I enjoyed the visualizations, but did not find myself connecting with the goddess stories meant to illustrate the archetypes. The sections about the Dark Mother and the Priestess were especially good. High quality, original, useful, and informative, I think anyone interested in goddess spirituality would enjoy Fire of the Goddess and take away some practical ideas.	Mar 30, 2012
Sacred Groves	Read for a class.	Mar 30, 2012
Into These Hands: Wisdom from Midwives	A favorite this year! Book Review: Into These Hands	Mar 24, 2012
Earth Prayers: From Around the World: 365 Prayers, Poems, and Invocations for Honoring the Earth	Lovely collection of readings, poems, and prayers with a ecological emphasis. Some really spoke to my heart, others did not (mostly those that use traditional Judeo-Christian language), but it is such a large collection that there is something for everyone. I appreciate how many of the readings brought a sense of the sacred, a touch of the holy, to everyday, natural events and concepts. i.e. “thanks to the spirit of evolution…” Personally, I like the idea of “every day sacred” and I felt like this book put that feeling into words.I read this book over the course of a year, little-by-little, as I sat at my home altar each afternoon. A blog post I wrote inspired by one of the readings is here: https://talkbirth.me/2012/03/23/300-th…	Mar 24, 2012
More Than a Midwife	Book Review: More Than a Midwife	Mar 21, 2012
Gone (Gone, #1)	YA dystopian fiction.	Mar 15, 2012
Talking to Goddess	Nice collection of different readings, poems, prayers. Lots of voices are represented and some are more appealing than others–most will find something that speaks to them in this collection. Quality is somewhat erratic.	Mar 14, 2012
The Sex Club	Fiction, mystery.	Mar 13, 2012
Goddess Wheel Of The Year	Read for a class.	Mar 10, 2012
Way Back Home		Mar 04, 2012
Mockingjay (The Hunger Games, #3)		Mar 04, 2012
Catching Fire (The Hunger Games, #2)	Read the first one for book club in January.	Mar 02, 2012
Sisters Singing: Blessings, Prayers, Art, Songs, Poetry and Sacred Stories by Women	I read this book piece by piece over the course of the year during my morning meditation time. Some very beautiful and meaningful poetry and prose. Highly recommend!	Feb 24, 2012
Nobody Girl		Feb 24, 2012
I Am Woman by Rite: A Book of Women’s Rituals	Unimpressive.	Feb 19, 2012
Daughter of the Forest (Sevenwaters, #1)	Read this for book club and thoroughly enjoyed it. Little slow to get started, but I’m so glad I stuck with it. It was gripping! There was a very, very disturbing scene and I agree with other reviewers that I’m not sure why fantasy books always have the heroine suffer so grievously 😦	Feb 13, 2012
First World Problems: 101 Reasons Why The Terrorists Hate Us	Needed something lightweight and fun to read and greatly enjoyed this collection. A quick read that had me laughing hard enough that I experienced the first world problem of needing to wipe laughter-tears from my eyes on my pajama shirt.	Feb 10, 2012
Eve Hallows and the Book of Shrieks (Nightmare, #1)	I read this aloud to my 8 year old. His verdict: amazing, awesome, and all the stars. I enjoyed it also and we both laughed out loud on multiple occasions. Very funny and unusual tale about a human girl raised by monsters who is called upon to help the survival of both human and monsterkind. Ending was slightly weak, mostly because it was prepping for book two, rather than a story resolution.	Jan 31, 2012
Witchcraze: New History of the European Witch Hunts, a	An intense read that is not for the faint of heart. Important topic, but very difficult to read about. The violence against women was intense and profound. Deeply disturbing, but important to recognize, particularly the ongoing legacy in contemporary culture. Read for a class.	Jan 30, 2012
Dear Heart, Come Home: The Path of Midlife Spirituality		Jan 30, 2012
Meditation Secrets for Women: Discovering Your Passion, Pleasure, and Inner Peace	I spent a whole year gradually reading through this book. I highly recommend it to any woman who has felt like there was something “missing” in traditional approach to meditation and to a Zen living approach. Maurine clearly explains how traditional approaches are some antethical to woman’s natural ways of relating to the world and that traditions that encourage “transcending” the body, actually may mask hostility to the female body. This is a very earthy, grounded, practical, insightful book with a lot of great content.	Jan 18, 2012
Miss Minimalist: Inspiration to Downsize, Declutter, and Simplify	Much of the content was familiar and there was some repetition, but it lit my fire to get back to decluttering–closets, shelves, wardrobe, brain, and life commitments/schedule. I needed the reminder to choose the best and ditch the rest!I like the term “minimalist”–less cumbersome than “simple living advocate” and less confusing/potential bizarre than, “simple liver.” I immediately decluttered my stash of scarves, winter hats, and gloves. I like her idea to get rid of one thing every day. Could be a great 2012 challenge project! Friendly, clear writing style.	Jan 17, 2012
The Walk		Jan 15, 2012
Breathless (Jason and Azazel, #1)		Jan 15, 2012
Unknown Book 12391297	Still can’t remember what this one was–Goodreads deleted it from their library and since I was using Goodreads as my way to remember, of course, now I’ve forgotten!	Jan 14, 2012
Unfriend Yourself	Christian book about disconnecting from social media.	Jan 14, 2012
Her Wiccan, Wiccan Ways (Rhiannon Godfrey, #1)	Forgettable fiction.	Jan 13, 2012
Passionate Journey: My Unexpected Life	Book Review: Passionate Journey: My Unexpected Life	Jan 13, 2012
The Grimm Curse		Jan 13, 2012
Samael’s Fire (Apocalypto, #1)		Jan 13, 2012
Space Junque / Spiderwork (Apocalypto 1 & 2)		Jan 13, 2012
The Hunger Games

I am a Story Woman

Dec29

“The greatest gift we can give one another is rapt attention to one another’s existence.” –Sue Ellen quoted in Sacred Circles

“Human connections are deeply nurtured in the field of shared story.” –Jean Houston

I am a strong woman, I am a story woman…

I’m busy preparing for a New Year’s Eve ritual on Monday, the first ritual like this for which we will include all family members instead of just women. As I was getting our “family fireside circle” song sheet ready, my husband asked a question about one of the lines in one of the chants…I am a strong woman, I am a story woman…

“I’m not sure about this,” he said, “what is a story woman anyway?” I wasn’t able to give him a solid answer at that moment, but guess what, I am one.

In fact, didn’t I just write earlier this week that story holds the key to the reclamation of power for women? How and why does this work?

Because of these two things:

“The one who tells the stories rules the world.” –Hopi Indian Proverb

“We feel nameless and empty when we forget our stories, leave our heroes unsung, and ignore the rites of our passage from one stage of life to another.” –Sam Keen and Anne Valley-Fox

We need to hear women’s stories. We need to hear each other into speech. We need to witness and be witnessed. We need to be heard. We need to shift the dialogue of birth and, indeed, most aspects of women’s lives into powerfully positive “what if’s” and courageous explorations of our “negative” stories. When we hear the experiences of other women, of other people, sometimes it lights something in us and we are able to go forward in a way in which we would not have done without that story…

“Once the imagination has been kindled, we begin to see choices that we had never even seen before…but just seeing that we have different options and choices rarely gives us the strength we need to exercise these options. For this we need more than imagination. We need the courage to reach beyond ourselves, extending our hands to one another…” –Robin Deen Carnes and Sally Craig

And, then, this afternoon we had an ugly, sad, overtired, family-wide meltdown about homeschooling. I don’t really want to bother reliving the agony by typing up everything that happened, because we’re all back to normal now, but it was really the same old story. Parent suddenly gets bee in bonnet that kids (who are perfectly happy at the time pursuing their own interests and living robust lives) “should” be doing something different. Kid doesn’t live up to expectations and is, in fact, so unable to perform a very simple, basic task, that questions arise in parents’ minds about kid’s mental capacities. Parents feel personally responsible and like homeschooling parent failures as well as annoyed with kid who should know this already. Brief ranting and raving ensues along with hurt feelings. Sweeping pronouncements are made about what needs to happen to transform all of our lives into properly performing homeschooling bliss.

During this time, I abruptly decided this was IT, I HAVE TO STOP BLOGGING. I cried and cried. I don’t want to quit, but, if I can’t do homeschooling properly I certainly don’t deserve to be a blogger. And, then I remembered these quotes about stories and I especially remembered this one:

“As long as women are isolated one from the other, not allowed to offer other women the most personal accounts of their lives, they will not be part of any narratives of their own…women will be staving off destiny and not inviting or inventing or controlling it.” –Carolyn Heilbrun quoted in Sacred Circles

And, also this one:

Telling our stories is one way we become more aware of just what ‘the river’ of our lives is. Listening to ourselves speak, without interruption, correction, or even flattering comments, we may truly hear, perhaps for the first time, some new meaning in a once painful, confusing situation. We may, quite suddenly, see how this even or relationship we are in relates to many others in our past. We may receive a flash of insight, a lesson long unlearned, a glimpse of understanding. And, as the quiet, focused compassion for us pervades the room, perhaps our own hearts open, even slightly, towards ourselves.

–Robin Deen Carnes & Sally Craig in Sacred Circles

And, just last night, I got a beautiful thank you note for the Mindful Mama essay that I wrote in 2008 and that was updated/published in 2011. My stories, my words, were serving as “medicine” for another woman while I was cooking dinner last night, even though I actually wrote them several years before. That is story power. I am a story woman.

Last month, I had an email chat with a friend about why we write in the first place. She’d written a blog post about her family and as I read it I was reminded of how glad I am I blog and why I don’t want to give it up. Her post was a post like that—one that will bring back a whole collection of memories that have slipped from conscious memory. At the time of our exchange, I’d been looking back at some of my own old posts and found the ones I wrote about Pinterest day and it was so much fun to re-read them, because I’d already forgotten some of the recipes we’d tried. And…that was only after like six months have passed. It will be even more fun in a couple of years 🙂 I can remember having this fear (or whatever) of forgetting even since I was a girl. I write to remember. In fact, I’d actually left a comment on a Literary Mama blog post on the subject:

I write to remember. I write to share. I write to preserve. I write to collect. I write to store. I write for myself. I write for my children. I write for others. I write for perspective. I write to play my life’s music. I write because I just can’t help it. I write to pay attention and to tell about it.

I do feel like I have to have a balance between personal memory stuff and other information/education/advocacy on this blog because I don’t want to overdose readers on the picture of my kids and make people bored. I also have probably 100 ideas for posts before I actually get to write one. If I was only blogging for myself (and my future memory) I’d make more of the shorter, personal, picture-type posts, but I start to worry “who cares” and so I put up something educational! (BUT, as it turns out, the pictures/personal/kids stuff is NOT boring to me in other people’s blogs or in going back to my own.)

As another example, a couple of weeks ago, I came across the post I’d written based on a journal entry about Alaina when she was a one month old (Memories of a One Month Old…). This is exactly why I do it and why I’m not going to stop. Because reading what I wrote that day in my journal brought that one month old treasure of a baby girl back into my arms for a few moments in vivid clarity, rather than just as a hazy, distant recollection. It isn’t that you truly forget without having written it down, but that in the reading of your old story, a powerful, stored, storied memory that you had forgotten how to access fully is reactivated.

Also a couple of weeks ago, I got a little tear in my eye when Alaina came to get me in the bedroom showing me her handful of monkeys from the “monkey jump game.” When Lann was about her age if you asked him if he was a big boy, he would answer: “I not bigger yet, I can’t reach the monkey jump game!” Well, guess what, he reached it for them that day and they were all in the living room playing while I was getting dressed…

I am a story woman.

And, I’m not quitting.

Other posts about Story:

Story Power

A Blessing…and more…

The Value of Sharing Story

The Of COURSE response…

Musings on Story, Experience, & Choice…

Taking it to the Body, Part 4: Women’s Bodies and Self-Authority

Happy Holidays!

Dec21

My effort to make a collage greeting card this year to actually mail out to my family members was thwarted by an uncooperative WalMart.com photo site that would not allow me to preview my collage (meaning I would just have to randomly accept the results!). So, I decided to make a virtual holiday greeting this year and thought I’d pair it with a companion update post about what we’ve been up to 2012 (kind of like one of those annoying holiday letters, only more annoying, because I’m not even bothering to actually send it via real mail!)

Mark:

Two big projects to report this year: First, thanks to our work party (more on this later) we have a completed greenhouse building! You can read more about the process and progress on our not-often-updated farm blog:

Second, Mark has launched a Let’s Play series of Minecraft videos on his YouTube channel, RockHoundGames. Check out his most recent video and if you or your kids are Minecraft fans make sure to become a subscriber!

Lann & Zander:

Speaking of Minecraft, the boys are big fans as well and even included a Minecraft themed picture in our family photo shoot!

The boys have changed a lot during this year. One important change is that they’ve both been taking Taekwondo classes at Vessell’s Fitness (same place my own brother and sister both used to go)! They’re really committed to it and go to class twice a week for a total of four hours.

Oblivious to the ninjas stalking us through the forest…

They also take gymnastics class which I am less impressed with because it is twice as much money for half as many classes and 1/4 as many hours, but they absolutely love it! I got some poor-quality home video recently of their cartwheeling action:

Alaina:

She is turning into a “real girl” instead of a baby! As long as she wasn’t talking, I still felt like she was my baby. Now, as she adds new words every day, I feel like I’ve got a little small girl instead of a baby. I caught her just saying a brand new word in a quick, poorly filmed video (my cell phone was plugged in to charge and it is hard to take a video when you’re tied to a wall!). For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, there’s a much longer version of “Can You Say…” uploaded in my videos there.

“Nonnies” on the rocks is a favorite!

Molly:

I’m still teaching at Columbia College—both online and in-seat at the Fort on an every session basis and in Rolla on a twice a year or so basis. I love teaching online because it is perfect match for family life and integrates almost seamlessly into my days (as long as you don’t talk to me during paper-grading time!). I also love teaching in person because I love the face-to-face interaction as well as having the same students in multiple classes so that our relationship deepens over time. In January, I start teaching a hybrid class for the first time (half online/half in-seat). It should put me home before the kids get home from taekwondo! I’m really looking forward to that format. I’m still working (slowly!) on my D.Min degree in women’s spirituality. I’ve finished nine of my classes so far and I’m thisclose to finishing the tenth. On July 1st, I became ordained as a Priestess with Global Goddess and I’m really enjoying branching out more formally into the “women’s mysteries” and rites of passage work that I’ve been doing informally for a number of years. I was thrilled to officiate at my brother’s wedding in October and then at another wedding just last week.

On the priestess rocks in our woods and wearing my beautiful silk robe hand dyed by my friend.

Handfasting with the lovely bride and handsome groom!

Other things that happened with our family in 2012…

Alaina turned one! (weird, because now she’s about to turn two and it is still 2012! Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!)
I had a Birthday myself.
Zander turned six! (Z is Six Already!)
Mark and I celebrated our fourteenth anniversary (Marriage thoughts)
We went on a Kansas City Adventure
Lann turned nine! (Nine is Divine!)
And, we took a Grand Gulf/Mammoth Spring Mini-Vacation

We also had around 25 work parties with our amazing work party group. Being involved in this mini-community has enriched, enhanced, and changed our lives in many good ways. Our biggest project as a group was to help our friends build their straw bale house from scratch! (In 2012, we personally benefited from work party in these ways: gutters on our house, new coat of plaster on the interior living room and kitchen walls, and almost completely finishing our huge new greenhouse over the span of three work parties [see pix in Mark’s update above]). Here is a beautiful video slideshow of our friends’ straw bale house project (my dad, Tom, shows up a lot in this video because he helped on lots of other occasions other than our scheduled work party days):

This is an impressive amount of progress for less than a year!

Happy Holidays from our home to yours!

—
All photos, save the greenhouse pix, taken by the incomparable Karen of Portraits and Paws Photography.

Taking it to the body, part 3: Moontime

Dec9

“…imagine what our lives would be like, what the world would be like if every womoon could bleed and birth inside a sacred circle…”

(Art by Mariela Dela Paz)

Blessing to our menstrual blood!

Blessing for our birthing blood!

Blessing to our female body

Blessing to our spirit

Blessing for our connection with other women

Blessing for our self-love and love of each other

Blessing to the world that holds us sacred.

–Antiga in The Goddess Celebrates, p. 168

Continuing my taking it to the body theme, I have some more observations to make about Moontime in a woman’s life. Ever since moontime’s return for me earlier this year, I’ve tried to remind mindful of the ebb and flow of my cycle and associated emotions, feelings, and inclinations. Just as I wouldn’t expect myself to “do it all” during postpartum, I find it logical that I shouldn’t expect myself to “do it all” during menstruation either. But, that is easier said than done! Kids still need to do to playgroup and taekwondo and, and, and…

It is also very, very easy for me to forget that many of the common mental patterns I experience with needing to retreat and wanting to quit and wanting to rest are very cyclical in nature as well. But, I also hate that, because I never want, “must be hormones!” to be an excuse. I honestly think it isn’t an excuse, but is instead is often a wake-up call. So, taking it to the body…it surprises me how, even though I track my cycle using a handy phone app, I still overlook that the “I’m so fat and ugly!” thoughts and the “how come I suddenly have zits on my chin?” and “I want to QUIT THE WORLD” and, “people are so annoying and SO LOUD and never STOP TALKING!!!!!” and, “WHY do people WANT things from me ALL THE TIME!!!!” feelings, also recur on a cyclical basis. And, then moontime comes, and suddenly life takes a turn for the better and things look up. I start feeling energetic and productive and excited about things. Instead of wanting to quit, I have tons of new ideas and feel enthusiastic and optimistic about completing them. I feel creative and inspired. You’d think I’d remember and say, “oh yeah, this. This sensation of wanting to hide…I remember this.” BUT…and this is the ticket…I need to then DO IT. Go ahead and hide for a minute. Things will go on without me. It is when I override my own inclinations and body messages and needs that “Dragon Lady” wishes to come out and roar for her rights.

“Each time we deny our female functions, each time we deviate from our bodies’ natural path, we move father away from out feminine roots. Our female bodies need us now more than ever, and we too need the wisdom, the wildness, the passion, the joy, the vitality and the authenticity that we can gain through this most intimate of reconciliations.” –Sarah J Buckley, M.D.

I recently enjoyed listening to a recording from Indigo Bacal called Womb Magic ~ 3 Things EVERY Cycling Woman Needs to Know.

The three things are:

1. track your cycle

2. create a moon tent and spend time in it alone.

3. moontime is a powerful opportunity for renewal

One of the things she also said is that if your family and the people around you can allow you the space to retreat into your “moon tent,” you will return with powerful medicine for them every month, because of this powerful time for renewal. It is the blocked call for quiet time to rest and renew that causes a variety of premenstrual tension, strain, and stress…

I also enjoyed reading an interesting article about being a Highly Sensitive Person (I have already read the book by the same name):

I learned that life is easier than I think it is. Thinking about life is hard. But, life already is. It’s already happening. That’s easy.

I discovered that highly sensitive people seem to develop backwards compared to traditional theories. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that in order to develop as people, we must meet certain needs in a certain order, starting with physiological needs.

Well, I find that HSPs actually start at the top with transcendence needs and work down to the physiological needs last.

…

You really can trust yourself; your body knows more than you think. Your nervous system is getting a lot. Trust it. Trust is a practice. It’s a work out. Start where you are and take a step in the direction of trusting your body and what it is telling you.

That is how you strengthen the connection with your body. The present is here for you to unwrap in each surprising moment…

New sculptures! This time from pottery clay and my mom glazed and fired them. They’re cool! 🙂

Book Review: Moon Time

Taking it to the body… Part 2: Embodied mindfulness, introversion, and two hours!

Dec5

“Trust yourself. Take it to the body. She always knows.”

For my meditation practice for my compassion class, I’ve been working with several things, starting with the above quote. As I explained in part 1, how often do we deny the urgings of our bodies? It seems as if mindfulness begins there.

So, I’ve decided to practice an embodied mindfulness and meditation…taking it to the body and checking in with what she knows. Consciously noticing and being aware of my body’s signals to sleep, eat, and eliminate. It is much harder than you would think for something so basic and essential for well-being and I “fail” many, many times a day, but, and this is the point: I notice as I am failing, as I am not listening. That is better than remaining unconscious, right?!

The second part of my practice is that I’m trying to make sure I feed my spirit first—going to the woods, praying, setting intentions for the day, lighting a candle and setting up some of my goddess art sculptures near me as I work, rather than letting those things languish for “when I have enough time” and “later.”

The third part of my practice is to notice my thoughts and how I think about things, bringing mindfulness to the repetitive, wheel-spinning , brain-groove making patterns of thought that I habitually engage in. I frequently feel like, “something has got to change!” or, “I need to change what I’m doing and THEN, XYZ.” In mindfulness practice, I notice that more often it isn’t what is actually happening in my life that is upsetting or stimulating the “change” urge, it is expressly how I think about things that needs to change. I have become aware of the following unhelpful brain-groove thoughts that continue to dictate my behavior, choices, feelings, and responses:

I might die

I need to be perfect

I can’t rest

I’m out of time/running out of time/there isn’t enough time

(I haven’t fixed these yet, but awareness of them is a big part of the puzzle.)

As appears to be my custom at this time of year, I had a big meltdown this weekend feeling resentful, overbooked, stressed, ragged, frustrated, blocked, irritable, etc., etc. Then, I piled on a hearty dose of self-admonishment for all those feelings and stirred in some big helpings of guilt. I blamed various things, I blamed myself, I ranted and raved about how something needs to change and I need to do something different because this just isn’t working. (most of this was actually in my own head because Mark was sleeping in the living room as he recovered from the stomach flu that swept our house this week, more on this later.) I was crabby at loved ones. I felt guilty for wanting to be alone and for feeling done with snuggling my nursling and smelling her sweet head, knowing, knowing, knowing that the time is passing and that I will miss it and yet, dang it, stop climbing all over me and ramming your hands down my shirt! I felt like I “should” be doing all kinds of things differently. Like I should be a better, nicer person and like maybe I’m choosing wrongly in my life. I wanted to just stop, to get off, to quit everything. I decided I don’t want to help anyone else anymore and I just want to take care of myself. I cried because I need my parents and Mark to help me so that I can help other people and if I just stopped trying to help anyone else, I could take care of myself/family and not need anyone to help me either. I made plans to make a big life map and ruthlessly chop things off it. I decided to embark on a massive self-care, self-improvement project for the new year. I dragged out piles of books to look through. I remembered that busy is boring , I craved time for a retreat. I exclaimed that I just want to grind my corn! I lamented my ongoing crisis of abundance. I looked up my old post about balanced living and saying ‘no’ and thought about how I’m going to say a big fat NO to everything all the time! Must be clear on priorities. Must choose well and wisely. Then, I got annoyed with myself for already having figured this stuff out before, for writing about it already, for boringly lamenting it all before, for never learning (or integrating) my life lessons, and for knowing better and yet doing it anyway.

And, then…everyone went to bed. I sat up by myself and worked on a drawing for a “make a plate.” The kids all did this at my mom’s house over the weekend as a Christmas project—you draw a design on a special piece of paper, send it in to the company, and they send it back to you as a plate. I wanted to make one too! So, I did:

I really like it. After drawing, I felt tons better. I sat alone in the living room with my computer and got my online class all caught up for the week. And, suddenly it hit me. This ugly ragged self of mine I was seeing and experiencing and hating. She was popping out because I hadn’t had my two hours all damn week! And, after I realized that, I understood that things weren’t really that bad after all. Last week was insane. I knew it in advance, but it doesn’t mean it was easier to cope with it. And, if I tuned in to myself and my body, which is really, really hard to do when you’re an introvert without your requisite two hours, I just heard the familiar cry for what I need, to just be by myself at home for some time each week. Not to quit everything, all the time, but just to have some regular, consistent still points of solitude.

This is what last week looked like for us:

Monday: Twenty papers submitted by my online students, they all need to be graded in addition to my usual weekly grades for the week. While I did my usual grades and online class prep work, no papers got graded with the time I had available. Manage to quickly write an assignment for my own class, part of which is excerpted at the beginning of this post. Scramble to town to take the kids to meet Mark. Teach class on Monday night from 5-10. Come home freaking out about the rest of the week and HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GRADE THIS MANY PAPERS WHEN I HAVE NO TIME! Maybe I’m not meant to do this, maybe three classes is too many, maybe there is just something wrong with me.

Tuesday: After doing school with the boys, laboriously make pumpkin pasties to take to the Harry Potter potluck for the last day of homeschool co-op Wednesday. Insist on all three children helping with the “fun” and get super stressed out at not being a more zen mother of awesomeness. Call my dad desperately in the afternoon requesting “tribal reinforcement” (my tribe is a good one!).

Pumpkin pasties. Awesome, or unnecessary torture?

After he takes the kids over to play at his house, manage to grade four of the papers among many other tasks. Then, take the kids and head to town for their taekwondo class and my own reiki class (why take a reiki class now when I already have so much going on? Who knows?! Crazy, remember?) Reiki class is great—totally works and I feel like such a healer! Go home and practice fab skills on Mark and boys and they are impressed. Feel buzzing with energy and hands are tingling. Stay up until 2:00 a.m, on purpose and finish grading ALL papers. Feel awesome and smug and have killer, killer headache.

Wednesday: killer headache continues. Take kids to homeschool co-op and potluck. Pumpkin pasties meet with approval. Pick up two of boys’ friends for an overnight. Fingers crossed for Alaina to nap when we get home, since I’m desperate to be alone and need to get “caught up.” She doesn’t.

Make homemade mac and cheese for dinner and it rocks. Boys and friends stay up until past midnight. I stay up and finish prepping for Friday’s class.

She actually wore bowling shoes this time! Insisted on carrying ball every time for a whole game!

Thursday: Killer headache remains (not enough sleep, I think at the time). Make quesadillas for all kids in house and barely stagger out door with them all to go to playgroup at bowling alley. Bowl a terrible 85, but have lots of fun (Alaina is adorable bowler and gets a 17 [non-bumper lane]). Belabor different post-playgroup scenarios to manage rest of day.

Mine, mine?

Brothers are not into bowling and complain nonstop and sit staring like this. I finish their games.

She’s a natural!

Send boys with friend to get pizza and go to park, while Alaina and I go to Wal-Mart to buy dinner supplies for a postpartum mama. Take dinner to new mama and listen to fab birth story and do breastfeeding help for next two hours. Kids come back from park and are sent with other friend in my van to gymnastics class. Help jump friend’s car and then go to pick up all gymnastics kids (my own boys + two). Am slightly late and they’re getting worried. Zoom to taekwondo to drop all off. Go to Panera to eat dinner and meet couple for wedding ceremony planning. Alaina finally falls asleep and nurse-sleeps throughout Panera visit. Back to get boys at 8:00 and meet other friend to deliver books she’s borrowing, plus pick up evaluation from her from recent birth workshop. Head home, dropping off boys’ friend at her house on the way. Remember LLL monthly stats are due and do them (27 helping contacts for November!), plus send overdue emails and answer help message. Catch up in online class. Collapse in recliner, hoping Alaina’s Panera snooze wasn’t an uber-late nap. She nurses more and falls asleep. Score! Mark and I start a Teen Wolf ep while she keeps nursing. Suddenly, A wakes and projectile vomits all over my body. Yikes! What’s up?! As I wash the chunks off in the shower I start to feel bad too (headache continues, FYI). At 1:30, I throw up too. Alaina throws up seven more times during night with various degrees of mess. Grateful for Mark and his clean-up skills.

Friday: Mark stays home to help, but still needs to get own work done from home. I throw up one more time and debate going to class tonight—do I go or stay?! Zander starts throwing up. My head is actually going to explode with pain. Have fever and chills. Decide not to go to class, even though it means incredible hassle with double make-up classes now (because of no class on Thanksgiving). Nap and wake at 3:00 deciding it is class or bust after all. Both options feel like dumb options. Decide to be Typhoid Molly. Take Advil, get dressed, and head for the Fort where I teach. Class is fine. I have a guest speaker and show a video about child abuse. Hope to leave early, but feel better as class goes on and get busy with student questions/discussions. Dismiss early enough to get out the back gate and take short route home.

Selecting candies.

Saturday: Work party at my mom’s house. She has good projects planned. While the men cut firewood, the women make seasoning blends using herbs and spices I ordered last week from the bulk food buying club. Alaina is fretful and clingy and nurses nonstop, even though she has to stand on a chair to do it while I mix my seasoning blends. Kids draw pictures for their plates and also make fun cracker houses. Alaina finally naps and I grade two late papers, respond to a help message, and try to catch up with my online class again. Feel bad and guilty about not helping with dinner prep and also misunderstood by others about legitimately needing to get my work done. Feel annoyed that I have to make excuses or justifications for it, feel others are annoyed with me. Eat communal turkey dinner and yummy cake. Home feeling generally distressed, unhappy, and overbooked. Am reminded that I’ve forgotten/misunderstood something again. This keeps happening. My brain is leaking. I can’t hold everything and I keep dropping balls, communicating poorly/not enough, missing things or misunderstanding things, and forgetting stuff. Wish I hadn’t had to go anywhere on the weekend. Need regroup time. Suddenly remember with a shock that today is the FoMM newsletter deadline (for contributions, not for me). Send requisite emails and consider fact that I have exactly zero contributions thus far. Lann wakes before we make it to bed and barfs turkey dinner ALL OVER bedroom floor. As Mark cleans it up, he starts to feel sick too. Is up and down during night with stomach pain and finally also vomits.

Finished houses with architects.

Lann’s house.

Sunday: I feel pretty good at start of day, but start to freak out as day progresses. Mark is down sick in recliner all day. Alaina is whiny and clingy and doesn’t stay asleep at naptime. By 2:30, I’m still in PJ’s and feeling emotionally fragile. Begin the internal monologue of self-doubt, criticism, and desire for change described above. Kids go visit my parents and I work frantically on various bits and pieces, like preparing for my class on Monday night. Feel I’m choosing wrongly and still not taking care of myself. What’s wrong with priorities?! Argh. Gnash. Suffer.

Sunday night: stay up after others are in bed. Make my drawing for my plate. Have epiphany that this is all about the two hours. I usually get two hours to myself multiple times a week. Review week and see NO two hours. No wonder I feel like crap. I need it. I really do. It’s this introversion thing. I have to be able to count on sometimes being alone. Hmm. Maybe that is all it is. Maybe I don’t really need to quit everything after all, but maybe I need to plan carefully and assertively and strongly avoid weeks like this last one. Maybe I just need to firmly, guilt-free-edly, hold some space for myself, no matter what. Mentally review week and see, DUH. That was a busy, hard week. I got barfed on. I threw up. I taught class with the flu. No wonder I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and upset. It would be weird if I didn’t feel that way. Isn’t it normal to be a little crazy when life is crazy? Remember that one crazy week doesn’t mean entire life is unraveling after all. Wonder if maybe, just maybe, I should actually feel impressed at my own capacities. Stay up “too late” and enter all my grades so that on Monday, I can do some other things that I want to do—like write blog posts—rather than work on my classes and then go teach as well.

Remember I wasn’t going to write long, boring, navel-gazing blog posts like this one anymore and consider not posting it after all…

Think of lots more things to add and remember lots of other to-dos I got done…

Notice current students have become “fans” on Facebook and really, really consider not posting after all…

Spend way too long trying to format pictures for this post and finally give up and set it to post later in the week with crappy-alignment pictures.

Copy this picture from Facebook and try really, really hard to remember it…

Deep breath. Hug self. Hug kids. Try again.

1000 Words

Nov15

We got new family pictures taken yesterday in the woods behind our house. While I love words very much–very, very much–sometimes there’s nothing like a picture to say what you really feel… 🙂

“For months I just looked at you
I wondered about all the mothers before me
if they looked at their babies the way I looked at you.
In an instant I knew what moved humankind
from continent to continent
Against all odds.”
–Michelle Singer (in We’Moon 2011 datebook)