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Poem: Thoughts on Risk

Two years ago, I read Sheila Kitzinger’s book Homebirth. In doing so, I was struck anew how much I love her writing (I quote her often!). It is so lyrical and vibrant and really gets to the heart. I also deeply identify with it. I want to share a poem (not by her) that was in the book in the section about assessing risk and statistics and homebirth and is it really safe, etc. I feel like sharing it today (something that is difficult for me about pregnancy after loss is feeling more “at risk” about pregnancy than I have ever felt before—you know the quote, “birth is as safe as life gets” often said so blithely, has a different impact when you’ve been part of the statistics instead of “escaping” them. I still think the quote is true, but it is NOT a “light” quote!) :

Thoughts on “risk”
by Judith Dickson Luce (in Homebirth by Sheila Kitzinger)

word so small
born a verb
an “action word”

as I learned in 4th grade
I risk
you risk
she risks
even a noun something
I take
you take
she takes

in philosophy a description of what life is
with its own rewards:
I love and risk loss and pain
I try and risk failure
I trust and risk betrayal
I live and risk death
but we’ve moved so far beyond philosophy
to insurance–for anything and everything
to machines
to technology and control
(no daring)

and computers spit out the risk we are “at”
before we breathe
before we take a first step
that might lead us to fall
and the computers and the statisticians tell us
it is healthier and safer
and wiser not to take risks
since we are “at risk”
and they can reduce risk
and with it our capacity
for living
and touching
and caring
it’s safer that way
neater and more efficient
and definitely more sterile
and what more can we ask of life?
—–
Commentary by Tom Luce: “It’s very risky to be born since very few people who are born avoid dying (though many avoid living). If you are born there is a high statistical risk you might die.” 😉

Birth Feelings

Those who push themselves to climb the last hill, cross the finish line, or conquer a challenging dance routine often report feelings of euphoria and increased self-esteem…women who experience natural birth often describe similar feelings of exaltation and increased self-esteem. These feelings of accomplishment, confidence, and strength have the potential to transform women’s lives. In many cultures, the runner who completes the long race is admired, but it is not acknowledged that the laboring woman may experience the same life-altering feelings… —Giving Birth with Confidence (by Lamaze International)

This is so true and so often overlooked or diminished in our modern birth culture. Comments such as, “you don’t need to be a martyr” or, “would you get a tooth pulled without medication?” or, “there are no medals for natural childbirth,” or, “in the end, all that matters is a healthy baby!” fail to acknowledge the transformative power birth holds in women’s lives. I think these comments (and the many others like them) often come from one of two places: the first being a place where birth did NOT hold transformative power in that speaker’s life (and, this is something I have to acknowlege as real—birth can be transformative, but it isn’t always, AND it can be a powerful influence in a negative sense as well [i.e. a woman who really did suffer during birth and/or was abused and/or experienced any variety of traumatic things, whether or not we, the listener, “know” that some of those things could have been avoided with different choices, etc., etc.]).

The second place, I believe is one that many medical care providers come from in that they do not want to look at the reality of the importance of birth because then they would have to confront the reality of how they may have interfered with or “ruined” birth for so many women. Perhaps that isn’t true or is a “bad attitude” or judgment on my part coming through, but that is how it looks to me from the outside. It is easier to dismiss natural birth advocates as “zealots” and mothers who wish to birth unmedicated as “martyrs” than to critically examine the institution’s birth practices and policies.

Related to the initial quote, here is a previous post about Birth and marathons

As a side note, I really like the book I quoted—Giving Birth with Confidence—as a good “basic” birth book for pregnant women. I’m glad it is usually available in “conventional” bookstores as many other birth book treasures are not!

Sheila Kitzinger on a Woman’s Right to Her Own Experience

I have written before that every woman has the right to define her own experience—a phrase I first remember hearing when used by an ICAN volunteer. I was cleaning out a pile of stuff by my computer this weekend and found I’d marked a related quote in Education and Counseling for Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger, so it obviously caught my eye before hearing it from ICAN, but hearing it is what fixed it into my own personal philosophy of birthwork. With regard to what good childbirth educators need to know/how they should approach teaching:

…nothing can replace the experience of having joyfully born one’s own babies in full awareness and of having had to face and cope with some of the psychological and social problems which confront most women in childbearing and child rearing. But simply having given birth happily oneself is inadequate as a basis for good teaching. Too often then a woman has a very one-sided picture of labour, and merely superimposes on other women ideals of how labour ought to be.

Labour is a highly personal experience, and every woman has a right to her own experience and to be honest about the emotions she feels. Joy tends to be catching, and when a teacher has enjoyed her own births this is valuable because she infuses her own sense of wonder and keen pleasure into her relations with those she teachers. But she must go on from there, learn how difficult labour can be for some women, and develop an understanding of all the stresses that may be involved.

I’ve noticed that women come into birthwork for a variety of different reasons (okay, that is a very obvious statement!) and two of the big ones seem to be either that she had a wonderful birth herself and wants to “share the light” or, she had a disappointing birth herself and wants to help prevent other women from having the same experience. I came from the first camp—my first birth experience was tremendously empowering and I couldn’t wait to share the joy with others. My second was even more triumphant and powerful and really lit my fire to finish my certification process and to start teaching in earnest. I feel like I have always been compassionate to that fact that not all women DO feel a sense of triumph and joy in birth, even if they do everything “right,” and I read plenty of books and articles on “unexpected outcomes” and about birth trauma. Additionally, as I’ve noted before, I also feel like my birth-miscarriage experience with my third baby more fully opened the complete range of experiences of the childbearing year to me and gave me a deeper sense of compassion and heart for all women.

One Woman Awake

Several years ago,  I received a card from the National Association of Mothers’ Centers with the following poem printed on the front:

One Woman Awake
Awakens another,
The second awakens her next door neighbor.
And three awake can rouse the town,
And turn the whole place upside down.
And many awake
Can raise such a fuss
That it finally awakens the rest of us.
One woman up,
With dawn in her eyes,
Multiplies.

——

It has been hanging on the wall behind my computer since 2007 and it still gives me chills to read it. Of course, it can be applied to many elements of women’s lives, but I look at it through the lens of birth advocacy. I always say that what I want to do with my life is simply to transform the birth culture in the U.S. A lofty goal maybe, but if many awakened women raise enough of a fuss, it could happen!

Courage Reading for Mother Blessing

I have already shared a fear release for birth exercise here. I also want to share a “courage” reading that could be used for mother blessings:

Courage Ritual:

(write down fears and burn or bury them them)

Friends gather in circle holding hands surrounding the mother and say:

We accept that you have fears

You are not your fears

You are now cleansed and renewed

Go forward with courage at your side.

——–

Simple, but meaningful!

Empowerment Recipe for Moms

Happy Mother’s Day!

I wanted to share this “empowerment recipe for moms” that I got from the book Celebrating Motherhood by Andrea Gosline and
Lisa Bossi. I thought it was a fitting recipe for Mother’s Day as well as for general happiness as a mother 🙂

Empowerment Recipe for Moms

In a long day, mix:

  • A walk in the park
  • Ten minutes reading a positive book
  • Uplifting and relaxing music
  • Some time spent on a hobby or personal project
  • A cup of tea in the afternoon
  • A little quiet time alone
  • A twenty-minute nap
  • An adult conversation with your spouse
  • Lots of hugs and kisses.
  • –Cindy Angell Keeling

It has taken me a while to find my rhythm and it is easier now that the children are older, but I do actually manage to include most of these recipe elements into my daily life. I drink my cup of tea in the morning (my husband fixes it and leaves it for me, so when I get up it is ready to drink) before my daily yoga practice. I don’t get to nap anymore, but when I had a napping child, I used to always get a fifteen minute nap in every day and it was a good thing. My husband and I walk together in the evenings for about 30 minutes a day and that allows us time for adult conversation (though sometimes people are riding bikes around our feet at the same time!). I read every night while lying down with the kids to put them to sleep. I don’t have time each day for ALL of my personal projects, but I usually have time for at least one of them. I journal every morning, practice yoga every morning, and usually get some writing time in at least once a week (hopefully more frequently!)…

Birth Warrior Affirmation

July 2015 135Today I was looking at various cool things on Etsy and came across a neat “birth warrior” bracelet. She also gives the following affirmation and I LOVE it:

Birth Warrior’s Affirmation

I am a birth warrior
I embrace my strength
I embrace my power
I surrender to my body’s wisdom
and bring forth life in joy…

I’m going to a mother blessing this weekend and would like to add this to the affirmation poster we are making for the mother (I hope she doesn’t read this blog first!). I know that there are some people who not identify with the “birth warrior” mindset/coping practices, but for me personally, it is very apt and is what felt true and right for me—power and strength instead of calmness, relaxation, and control.

Book Review: She Births

Book Review: She Births: A Modern Woman’s Guidebook for an Ancient Rite of Passage By Marcie Macari
Infinity Publishing, 2006
ISBN 0-7414-3390-7
255 pages, softcover, $23.95
http://www.shebirths.com

Reviewed by Molly Remer, MSW, ICCE

She Births is a book that “goes beyond” the average birth book. It is a particularly good read for mothers having subsequent children—perhaps for a woman who is well read in the physiology and stages of labor and who wants to dig deeper into the emotional and spiritual meaning of giving birth. It is also helpful for first-time mothers, though I felt that there was a lot of content that seemed to assume the reader had already given birth (and was perhaps reading this book to reflect, process, and prepare for future births).

The emphasis of She Births is on childbirth as a rite of passage and as an opportunity for spiritual growth and personal transformation. There is a lot of content that has a very “New Age” flavor. While I personally do not mind—and actually enjoy—this framework, other readers may consider some of the sections to be offputting.

Each chapter ends with a short chapter-topic meditation and several pages of related journaling exercises.

The book contains a higher than average number of minor typographical errors, as well as odd mid-sentence capitalizations, and too-short dashes between ideas. Persistent capitalization of words such as Birth and Spirit were a bit distracting. The book contains a variety of empowering birth stories, but none of them have attribution, making it difficult to identify who was giving birth. (The author? The woman in the previous story?) It was hard to grasp who was the “I” reflecting and sharing in each story.

She Births has several particularly wonderful passages that are well worth quoting and it also has a lovely cover. It is a passionately written book that is very dynamic and “alive” to read. The book is strongly written—the author does not mince words nor attempt to “balance” her perspective and this can be a refreshing approach. She Births also raises thought-provoking questions such as, “The way a society views a pregnant and birthing woman, reflects how that society views women as a whole. If women are considered weak in their most powerful moments, what does that mean?”

Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review purposes.

Two Birth Poems

I shared these on my Facebook page recently too and as long as I was updating my birth quotes, I thought I’d post the poems as well. They could be good for a mother blessing or blessingway ceremony or just to print up for a mother preparing to give birth, to to one who has just given birth, or to a birthworker (another favorite birthing poem is posted here):

Being Born

by Carl Sandburg

Being born is important
You who have stood at the bedposts
and seen a mother on her high harvest day,
the day of the most golden of harvest moons for her.

You who have seen the new wet child
dried behind the ears,
swaddled in soft fresh garments,
pursing its lips and sending a groping mouth
toward nipples where white milk is ready.

You who have seen this love’s payday
of wild toiling and sweet agonizing.

You know being born is important.
You know that nothing else was ever so important to you.
You understand that the payday of love is so old,
So involved, so traced with circles of the moon,
So cunning with the secrets of the salts of the blood.
It must be older than the moon, older than salt.

—-

Ordinary Miracle

by Barbara Kingsolver

I have mourned lost days
When I accomplished nothing of importance.
But not lately.
Lately under the lunar tide
Of a woman’s ocean, I work
My own sea-change:
Turning grains of sand to human eyes.
I daydream after breakfast
While the spirit of egg and toast
Knits together a length of bone
As fine as a wheatstalk.
Later, as I postpone weeding the garden
I will make two hands
That may tend a hundred gardens.

I need ten full moons exactly
For keeping the animal promise.
I offer myself up: unsaintly, but
Transmuted anyway
By the most ordinary miracle.
I am nothing in this world beyond the things one woman does.
But here are eyes that once were pearls.
And here is a second chance where there was none.

—-

(hat tip to Birth True for posting the Kingsolver poem—Barbara Kingsolver is one of my favorite authors, but I had never read the poem before seeing it on the Birth True blog.)

Birth Quotes and More Birth Quotes

Time for my semi-regular birth quotes update post!

“Birth is the doorway for integration of body and mind.” –Gayle Peterson

“Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.” – J. Willard Marriott

“Most mothers are instinctive philosophers.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

“Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself.” – Katherine Sharp

“Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of beginning. Probably that’s why we decide we’re done. It’s getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that often something strong comes out.” ~ Natalie Goldberg

(This is something I try to convey in my birth classes–that when it seems “too much” and you manage to “dig deeper,” you find so much strength that you didn’t know you had and that knowledge of strength can continue to inform the rest of your LIFE!)

“When a woman has a child, it is equivalent to taking life vows.” –Stephanie Demetrakopoulos

“You do not know how a pregnant woman comes to have a body and living spirit in her womb.” –Ecclesiastes 11:5

(I guess tecnnically we “know,” but I think this is talking about the mystery of how we get from no where to now here…)

“Childbirth is a rite of passage so intense physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, that most other events in a woman’s life pale next to it. In our modern lives, there are few remaining rituals of initiation, few events that challenge a person’s mettle down to the very core. Childbirth remains a primary… initiatory event for a woman.” –Maren Hansen

“Birth is an active, completely engaging process and requires that a woman be actively engaged, not only physically and emotionally but also in the decision-making process (before and during the birth).” –Awaken Your Birth Power e-newsletter

“Although women have been giving birth since time began, the lack of cumulative female knowledge and sharing in our society has led us to seek information about birth in books and classes rather than from the native wisdom of community experience.” –Elizabeth Noble

“…many women see the experience of birth as mystical, something they turn over and refocus on all their lives.” –Stephanie Demetrakopoulos

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” ~August Wilson

“You know being born is important to you. You know nothing else was ever so important to you.” –Carl Sandburg

“Spring has returned. The earth like a child that knows poems.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

“Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark.” ~Anonymous

“Giving birth and being born brings us into the essence of creation, where the human spirit is courageous and bold and the body, a miracle of wisdom.” –Harriette Hartigan

“Giving birth is a transformation and it doesn’t matter whether you’ve had eight babies before. It’s still a transformation the next time you have another baby, because you are no longer the same woman you were before you had that baby.” –Penny Handford

“When a woman births without drugs…she learns that she is strong and powerful…She learns to trust herself, even in the face of powerful authority figures. Once she realizes her own strength and power, she will have a different attitude for the rest of her life, about pain, illness, disease, fatigue, and difficult situations.” –Polly Perez

“It is certainly true that for an increasing number of women, the birth experience is ecstatic. But it’s very important to keep in mind that, from a global perspective, the birth experience is still not a positive one for millions of women.” –Judy Chicago

“Woman is the first environment. In pregnancy our bodies sustain life. At the breast of women, the generations are nourished. From the bodies of women flows the relationsiop of those generations both to society and the natural world. In this way the earth is our mother, the old people said in this way we as women are earth.” –Katsi Cook Mohawk midwife

“When we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” –Marianne Williamson

“Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of passing the stillness of the eternal.” –Abraham Joshua Heschel

“Loss makes artists of us all as we weave new patterns in the fabric of our lives.” –Greta W. Crosby

“Pregnant woman, at once universal and individual, lives the compelling force of creation within her whole being.” –Harriette Hartigan

“Childbirth is a rite of passage so intense physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, that most other events in a woman’s life pale next to it. In our modern lives, there are few remaining rituals of initiation, few events that challenge a person’s mettle down to the very core. Childbirth remains a primary initiatory event for a woman.” –Maren Hansen

“Male science disregards female experiences because it can never share them.” –Grantly Dick-Read

“I usually claim that pregnant women should not read books about pregnancy and birth. Their time is too precious. They should, rather, watch the moon and sing to their baby in the womb.” –Michel Odent

(Personally, I LOVE books–of all sorts–and reading is THE top way for me to learn about anything. I think the best prep I did before having my first baby was to read and I always give a recommended reading list to my clients. However, I also “hear” what he is saying here and wanted to share the quote. My personal opinion is that in our current birth culture it is nearly impossible to go into birth just planning to “go with the flow” and let labor unfold without expectation [if you are birthing in the hospital that is—because the hospital is FULL of expectations and those will often run right over your flow]).

“No matter what your size, shape, percentage of body fat, or BMI, you and I…can start right this minute to express gratitude to our bodies for being home to our souls and allowing us to express our uniqueness on the earth at this time.” – Dr. Christiane Northrup, The Wisdom of Menopause

“In pregnancy’s sculptured beauty, one body grows within another. Energy becomes human in the alchemy of the womb.” –Harriette Hartigan

“The experience of birth is vast. It is a diverse tapestry woven by cultural customs, shaped in personal choices, affected by biological factors, marked by political circumstances. Yet the nature of birth itself prevails in elegant design of simple complexity.” –Harriette Hartigan

“Stress hormones are contagious–if someone in your birthing space is stressed, you will feel it and become stressed.” (Awaken Your Birth Power)