Several months ago when I was experimenting with polymer clay goddess pendants, I also made four sculptures symbolizing earth, air, water, and fire. I used gemstones for the belly of each figure. (I’ve not used stones in any sculptures after these, because I don’t know that the mixed media quite works in the manner in which I originally envisioned.)
I also made this goddess (non-pregnant) for a friend who was experiencing a lot of stress and upheaval in her life. I was trying to communicate that she is powerful and strong, always. The figure is holding up a pink gemstone to symbolize the sparkle of new beginnings.
Earth sculpture:
Air sculpture:
Fire, water, air, earth:
The elemental goddesses with the new beginnings figure flanked by two attempts at pendants. (I actually really like the pendants and enjoy wearing them, even though they are kind of big/clunky and tend to twist to one side/be unbalanced on a chain.)
(I’m inordinately proud of myself when I manage to completely construct a post using my iPad)
“Our lives can sometimes feel like passages through harsh landscapes that shake us to our core. Yet these difficult passages bring us to our most profound transformations. In the midst of heartache and greatest need, we find that grace descends. And at the end of it all, we often discover that we have become someone new, stronger and more alive…the tender moments of heartache, illness and inner strangeness that we all experience at times. They illuminate the path of healing–when awe, self-love and grace touch our very being, leave us breathless, make us whole.” –Carolyn Brigit Flynn (Sisters Singing)
“I have hands big enough to save the world, and small enough to rock a child to sleep.” –Zelda Brown
(I wrote this second quote on the first page of the baby record journal I kept of her first year)
I’ve spent multiple days trying to gather some minutes together to work on a happy birthday reflective post. While sometimes I hesitate to write posts that are “too personal”— thinking things like “who really cares anyway?” and “why do I feel so compelled to share my life online?”—I’m so glad I’ve written regular updates about this first year of life with my baby girl. Even if no one else does really care to read about it–I care and I’m glad to have a “permanent record” of her infancy in this manner. The main thought that comes to mind when I reflect on her first year of life is, but it has all been SO REAL. I’ve expressed that same sentiment previously and maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but that it is the feeling I return to. This life, this past year has just been so real. By that I mean so vivid, so present, so conscious, so physical, so embodied, so here and now, that I can hardly believe it has now passed. I am likely to never have another crawling, drooly, grabbing, fuzzy headed baby of my own in my house again–and, even if I do. It won’t be this baby. This little walking, minimally talking, amazed, and amazing, energetic and enthusiastic, baby girl. I paid attention, I told about it, I remembered to look, listen, feel, and to embed precious moments and memories as deeply into my soul as I possibly could. I’ve struggled with life balance, come in and out of various states of equilibrium/disequilibrium. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve marveled, and I’ve been ragged. And, we’re here. We did it. We’ve taken our first trip around the sun together. After having walked the labyrinth of pregnancy after loss in 2010, in January of 2011 I greeted the labyrinth of birth with wild joy and sweet relief, and now we’ve been on our “return” journey–step by step and in my arms, Alaina and I have now completed our postpartum return labyrinth together (though, I think it might actually last three years…).
Just this time last year I was wondering aloud if the full moon would bring me my baby and sure enough, my labor began that night and she was born at 11:15 a.m. on January 19 (full birth story in case anyone missed it). For me, the first birthday is really as much about memories for the mom as it is about the baby! Some favorite early pictures:
Moments after birth. I tried editing the contrast to make the picture actually visible for this post. I'd just caught her myself. The tenderness and majesty of this moment makes me cry!
On my due date demonstrating how she could still fit!
First three generations picture. Look how excited I am!
Here is a video we took for family when she was a couple of days old. I love my voice in this video—in you can hear how marvelous I think she is—and how my fingers tenderly touch and explore her as I talk.
And now, fast forward a year and we’ve got some early steps:
And, then more real walking at Baba’s house:
And, of course I had to make some more polymer clay birth art goddesses to commemorate the big birthday! This mama has her baby on her hip, which is still Alaina’s most preferred mode of transport:
This baby is stepping out a little, but still intimately connected with mama. Double spiral symbolizes our interlocking labyrinth path, forever joined, but now able to separate too:
It is a total coincidence that I ended up making 12 figures--I didn't plan it that way and I didn't make one during every month or anything (though, that would have been cool. I wish I'd done that!)
Okay, time for twelve month update too! After many months of posting about the best baby ever, I am here to report that Miss A has taken a turn for the wild. If anyone has been secretly annoyed by my “perfect baby” and wishing to crow with delight, now is your chance! Oh my goodness. I don’t even know where to start. How about with this picture?!
Yes. That would be some of the wood from the back of the kitchen chair. Peeled off by a baby. And, the set of her mouth is because she’s also eating it. The slightly wild, manic-clown-type hair also sums it up. This girl is on the move. She’s into everything. Wants it all. Is constantly making one of two sounds to indicate her many wants–a cute little question-intonation “huh?” sound, or a grating, “aaaaaaaah!” sound that makes you want to yell, JUST STOP. She is incredibly grabby and shockingly destructive. Nurses very roughly (this isn’t new) and uses my skin as a handhold or toehold often enough that my upper arms are covered with little fingertip sized bruises. My thighs near my knees are also covered with small toe-sized bruises from being kick-walked on during lying down nursing. BUT, lying down nursing is pretty rare, since she pretty much will only nurse while standing up in the Ergo. And, that is how she goes down for nap every day (down to only one nap per day now). Nurses lying down during night. Potty strike is finally pretty over, but sitting down to pee just takes too much time. I still mean to write an EC post, a common refrain in which will be, and then I got peed on.
She loves to get into cabinets and also to take lids off of stuff.
Again with that hair and face of mischief-making!
What a sweet face too!
She weighs about 24 pounds and I need to measure her height. Has 8 teeth. Thought recent personality shift might have to do with more teeth or the developmental milestone of walking or the fact that she had a yucky cold, but it seems to be her new way of being. Markedly less verbal than she was last month—I know that is supposed to be a worrisome sign, but I think in this case it is related to the brain being able to concentrate on one significant developmental leap at a time. Right now, walking is primary and language has taken a backseat. I remember the boys doing this too. She often seems disgruntled lately–like whatever we are doing, she wants something different. Wants to get on top of table, counters, and stove. LOVES to be outside and asks all day long to go out (even when it is 10 degrees–then she complains and wants us to make it magically warmer). Has thrown several fits about this (and other things too). Is constantly aggravating the boys by getting into their games and wrecking their stuff.
She is very tough and brave and surprises me still with her unflappability in the face of change or drama. A couple of days ago I accidentally scraped her face with a tree branch when going out to open the chickens and didn’t notice what had happened. She made a small sound and had a turned down lip and I said, “oh, what’s wrong?” Upon getting inside I then noticed the two inch long bloody scratch down the side of her head and face!
Spends a lot of time in-arms still. Really enjoys mama and wishes to be mainly with me, though she does like visiting my parents and playing with daddy too. So far she still prefers to crawl to get things, but on two occasions this week, she has chosen to walk toward something rather than crawling. Crawling will soon be history! I swear, sometimes it feels like my heart is breaking when I think about the little baby of one year ago and how she is growing so fast, but at the same time of course I’m just so happy to see her developing and changing and being amazing. It has been a beautiful year.
I made sweeping promises about all of the fabulous posts I was going to write over my break and apparently I only had ONE in me. I find a good blog post really takes a minimum of three hours to write and that is after having the idea, taking notes, collecting links, etc. Someday I envision cleaning out my intense drafts folder, but that day has not yet come. So, for now, I want to share a picture of the delightful Goddess of Willendorf my talented mother crocheted for me for Christmas this year:
Isn’t she a beaut? Who is the real Yarn Goddess here? My mom! I am also enjoying some lovely new handknit socks in solid black at my request (so that I can wear them to teach in).
Speaking of teaching, the new session is about to begin! One of my classes got cancelled, which is really a great thing, because I only have one separation per week from Alaina now. I was really nervous about how all of us were going to manage two and I’m glad I don’t have to find out. I did get a second section of my online class, which I have been hoping for for about a year. So, I’m super excited about that! Let’s hope it scrapes up enough students at the last minute to actually run.
Also, went back via my BlogBooker (which I think I’m going to re-do shortly and make available for download for any die-hard “fans” out there), and want to share my post from this exact date last year. Seems so recent in many ways, but also like an eternity in others! I just said to Alaina today, “remember I used to be pregnant?!”
This is my first post constructed entirely on my new iPad–photo and all. 🙂
I’m working on a 2011 year-end summary post and it is taking me longer to do than I anticipated. So, for now, a delightful year-end Wordle image instead. I just love these! So much fun to see what you’ve been talking about for a year. It was important to me that the Wordle represent my whole year’s worth of blog posts, rather than just the most recent page which is how it automatically works. So, I used the wonders of BlogBooker to turn the last year’s worth of posts into a book and then copied and pasted that text into Wordle for a full-year’s image. (Side note: Guess how many pages the blogbook was…409. Whoa. No wonder I’m having trouble choosing what to put into a year in review post ;-D)
Inspired by a tutorial pinned by a friend on Pinterest, I made a bunch of polymer clay birth power pendants this weekend. Short version instructions are to roll out polymer clay in a pasta maker. Stamp something cool on them using a rubber stamp and cut it out using a clay/cookie cutter and then either carve or write a meaningful word on it. I used individual pieces of type from my dad’s antique printing press to make the letters on mine. I was psyched to make these because I already have my birth logo as a rubber stamp (I drew it and it is fun to be able to get so much mileage out of just one drawing once upon a time!) I also have a rubber stamp of the LLL logo. More awesomeness.
I used metallic powdered pigments (Pearlex brand) to color them–I did some by brushing the pigment onto the unbaked clay after already having stamped it and others by brushed pigment over a whole section of rolled out clay and then stamping and cutting it.
My husband drilled small holes in the tops and made copper rings for them, so they can be strung as a pendant or used as an ornament.
I had a delightful time having the lifespace to be crafty and then my husband accidentally cooked my art at 350 degrees and burned the living daylights out of all of them.
So, after a few tears from me about my wasted effort, we started over from the beginning and made a new batch. We put ribbons on the least burned ones and used them as birth power ornaments for the Christmas tree!
They do have a certain similarity to Necco wafers or poker chips, but I’m pretty pleased with them.
So many blog topics and ideas and yet so many papers to grade! (Expect a flurry of extremely awesome posts from me during my break that starts Sunday.)
Just a picture post then to show my two most recent experiments in polymer clay birth goddess pendant making.
This little one is my tiniest effort. She doesn’t have a belly stone, just the jewel in her hands:
The larger one is my favorite so far. She has a moonstone belly and is holding a heart shaped crystal.
Tried to get a picture of me wearing them, but it didn’t really turn out (and, my, what an attractive shirt I wearing in which to model them. Love the flattering neckline with the pendants).
I really love making these sculptures and have plans for more on that aforementioned break as well!
“We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls.” -Robert R. McGammon
My husband is very into gems and I’m into birth goddess sculpting, so I recently put the two together and experimented with making one of my sculptures in a small version to use as a pendant and I incorporated two gems into my “design.” Alaina wanted to grab and chew on her of course and so I let her, thinking it was good product “testing”–after approximately zero minutes the pink gem was gone and was not located again until I found it in the bottom of the washing machine after doing a load of diapers…
(don’t worry, I’d already replaced it with a new stone and glued this one in)
Today, I had a “vision” of a new series I’d like to make using gems representing the four elements. Then, I thought of another necklace and then remembered I want to make one of my original style sculptures for a blessingway this week. All told, I somehow imagined making FIFTEEN new sculptures today! I didn’t end up making any (I had grading to do and other work in my online class as well as laundry by the truckload and Christmas shopping to do online), but I did pick out the gems and I know what I want to make! Hopefully, more photos will follow of those…
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Post update several years later: I noticed recently that this image is one that turns up in the top of google search results for “birth goddess pendant.” Since I originally made this sculpture and the post about it, we’ve greatly developed our skill in making birth goddess pendants and they are quite a bit more refined than the picture above!
I drew this full moon calendar mandala as part of an assignment for one of the classes I’m taking (we are working on our “wheel of the year” and holidays, etc.). While it was not specifically part of the assignment to do so, I found that drawing this mandala image helped me to explore and express my ideas. It contains the dates of all the full moons in 2012, as well as representations of the waxing and waning moons for the entire year. I initially set this to post as private, so it wouldn’t be visible to my blog readers and would only be available to my class, but then I reconsidered and thought other people might be interested in seeing it as well:
I hoped to finish Noah’s book before his birthday today, but I didn’t quite make it. I’m still editing the last half, adding resources to the appendix, and waiting for my husband to design the cover for me. Hopefully I will publish it by the end of the year! Instead, I wanted to share some pictures and thoughts from a sand tray therapy exercise that I did during a session at the ICAN conference in St. Louis in April. I’ve been meaning to post about it since then and haven’t found the opportunity, so in honor of his birthday seems very fitting and appropriate. The session was intentionally kept small for personal sharing and when we walked in the therapist, Maria Carella, asked if we were there to celebrate a birth or to grieve one. I said I was there for both (I had Alaina with me and she slept in the Ergo during the session). Each of us had a tray of sand and there were long tables at the front of the room full of objects and materials (like shells, feathers, and so forth). We were paired up and after arranging our items on our sand, we were asked to share our tray with the person next to us as well as the message, lesson, reflection, or insight we received from the process of making the tray. While some people used the sand in various creative ways—mounding it up, etc.—I just smoothed mine out and put stuff on top of it. The experience of sharing with my tablemate was very moving and profound. We had a lot of surprising similarities in our feelings about our births, though our stories were very different. And, our closing thoughts or insights about our trays were almost identical.
While it might be hard to see everything, I chose the bridge to symbolize my feeling of having crossed the bridge to the “other side”—meaning first the fact that after Noah and my second miscarriage, I felt separated from women who had not experienced loss by a bridge and as if I’d crossed over into new territory and left my old, happy, naive pregnant self behind (along with the other non-loss mamas. A little more about this bridge here). AND, that I also felt like with Alaina’s birth that I crossed a bridge into the unknown and to the end of the pregnancy-after-loss journey. Her birth represented the “other side” of PAL. So, at the end of the bridge I drew a question mark in the sand, representing all the questions I had to get past and over in order to get to my new baby. The little baby on the side of the bridge represents how I still had Noah with me. He didn’t get “left behind” on the other side of the bridge, but was next to me on my journey. The spiral on the other side represents the continuous, unfolding spiral of life. Sitting by the question mark is a sort of Kachina-type figure holding many babies. To me she represents all of the babyloss mamas and also reminds me of the jizos who protect lost babies. There is also a coffin on the other side of the question mark, summing up how the fear of the death was everpresent for me and I had to pass over that fear as well to get to my new baby—my light, the candle on the other side of death. The little sparkling gems also represent my joy at her birth and what a treasure she is to me. The bone on the side of the candle represents the places where the “meat was chewed off my bones” by all my births, including Noah’s (I had just attended Pam England’s birth story sharing session prior to this sand tray session). I placed the Goddess of Willendorf figure, that I had immediately snatched off the table as soon as I spotted her, at the top to represent how my sense of spirituality had surrounded and enfolded both my experiences—She is “holding” it all. And, I explained to my tablemate how the roundness of the tray to me also represented the full circle—how Alaina’s story and Noah’s are entwined and how her birth was the “end” (of sorts) of his story, but that they are part of one whole.
View from the top
Happy birthday, tiny third son. We remember you. Thank you for opening my heart and my life for your sister to enter.
In the summer we started working on spirit dolls at our women’s retreat. I have always wanted to make one in the style of an Akuaba—an African fertility goddess-type figure—however, I felt like it would be quicker to make a different style and so that was the one I began working on in the summer. After letting her languish for months without finishing her, I realized after our fall retreat that I really wanted to make one according to my original vision. So, in two days, I worked feverishly and made this little beauty:
I love her! She’s just what I wanted to make. My boys say she looks like a gingerbread voodoo doll and she kind of does. That’s okay. I know what she really is!
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Talk Birth 